Anyone have the horrible fate of deciding if mom lives or dies?

My only question is would she recover some if she was fed, or would she continue to live in a terrible condition.

I recently made a couple of decisions on my father's behalf. He was 91, his organs were failing, he had no will to live, and had a living will. The hospital staff did work and found his carotid arteries were mostly blocked. They asked if we wanted surgery to clear them. I said no. On the day he died, they asked me in the morning if we wanted them to do CPR if his heart arrested. I said no. I was able to say no without hesitation and with no guilt, because I was speaking for my father. If you know that your mother is not going to recover, your "no" will be speaking for her. God bless you.

I was in a similar situation, except that it involved my father. My father finally begged me to make certain his DNR was obeyed despite the fight my siblings put up against it. Dad died with me holding his hand. His wife of 63 years, my mother, just did not believe he would die. My father felt like a prisoner to the tubes, and I miss him very much but I know he is no longer in pain. He also has his dignity back. The feeding tube was not pleasant but was not a serious problem. He was not hungry,but did not have to struggle to eat. I will pray for peace for both of you. Rebecca

I hope you have a happy ending Bhenson. Take care and keep in touch. :0)

I was told by my doctor and by the hospital docs that if there is no improvement wityhin4 weeks, it will be removed at my request. In the meantime, I am going to try and coax her to eat again. This is so hard. I just want her to have peace. (If I don't do the feeding tube, she can't be sent to rehab. If not sent to rehab, she will be sent home or I would have to self pay for the nursing home. I can't do either at this moment.

Another problem with feeding tubes: Once they are inserted - the doctor -legally - is NOT allowed to remove it. My father in law only lived a few days with the tube. And they were not good days.

I remember well when my MIL had to make a decision about a feeding tube for her husband ten years ago. THEY HAD NEVER DISCUSSED THESE ISSUES. He was 80 and unable to swallow anymore. She did it and later regretted the decision. AFTER I got back home (I was with her then) I researched feeding tubes online and basically found that they may extend life a few weeks or months but do absolutely NOTHING for the quality of life.

If you know your mother's wishes - then follow them. If you know she would not want to live this way - why force her to? If you have discussed this issue with her and know her wishes - SHE HAS MADE THE DECISION ALREADY - you are only respecting it.

The doctors should be able to tell you her prognosis. If she has a good chance for recovery - at least continue the IV meds and fluids. IF her prognosis is poor - well, there will be an unhappy outcome and tears. We can live 30 days without food, 3 days without water, and 3 minutes without air. (an old saying of my mom's)

We cannot make your decision - but I would think twice before inserting a feeding tube into an 87 year old person who is ready to meet God. Ask the doctor what will be the quality of her life if you do everything medically possible? It may NOT be the quality of life she would want to live. Sometimes we are only prolonging suffering.

When I researched feeding tubes after my father in law was operated on - I found that often they do this procedure for monetary reasons - not humanitarian ones.

These are sad days for you and I am so sorry you have no one to help you bear this burden. Whatever decision you make, may it be the right one for you and for your mom. It will be difficult - not matter what.

I cannot say enough about the kind words you have all given me. Mom does have a living will but what I didn't understand was that even if they put in a feeding tube, I can ask to have it removed. I thought that was it once you put it in. Kuli I think that that is exactly what she's doing. She's making her choice. Last night in a very brief moment of clarity for her, she asked me to let her go. Then she was back to not knowing anything. I don't wish this situation on anyone and I sincerely thank everyone who answers this question. I'm taking a xanax and laying down for myself. BTW, did I mention that my husband was put in the hospital last night for pancreatitis? When it rains it pours and I feel very alone right now. I have a great daughter but she's pregnant and I don't want to put any more on her right now but she has offered. I really don't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. I just want to be alone.

My dad's hospice nurse asked me if my dad were his old self and was looking down on the situation, would he want to live like this? My response was no and so we stopped his heart medications and he passed 5 days later. You know your mom's wishes and even if she is confused she may have made her choice by refusing to eat or take her medications. I know it's so very hard but whatever your decision, go back to what her wishes are and you will make the right choice. My prayers are with you ~ Kuli

Pray very hard...and listen for God's answer. He created this life and will guide you when he needs to take His loved home again. God bless

I have been in your shoes. My beloved mother in law was put on life support & a feeding tube after she had a heart attack on the operating table. Marie was a active & vibrant 85 year old. Fortunately she & I had talked about end of life issues. She did not want to live like this. My husband & I made the most difficult decision of our lives, we took her off life support. It was heartbreaking, but we did the right thing. It was an act of love for us. You are a loving & compassionate daughter & just want the best for your mom. Good luck to you.

You are a kind and loving person trying to do what your mother would want. My heart breaks for what you are going through especially being an only child. Go with your instincts - and what you and only you know to be the best decision for your mother. Breaking ones neck at the age of 87 is such a traumatic experience - can't imagine. Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers

My heart goes out to you. You are in the spot we all dread. But at least you know your mother's wishes. It is not like you've been out of the country and barely know the woman -- you have intimate knowledge of her attitude. I agree with BelleFleur: honor your mother's wishes.

It sounds likely that in order to keep a feeding tube in place she would have to be restrained even further, either with drugs or physical restraints.

You are not a horrible person at all. Far from it. You love your mother enough to consider what is best for her, not what is easy for you.

You don't sound like a horrible person. You sound like a person who is in agony over a decision you're going to have to make. Don't feel alone.

I take it from your question that your mother doesn't have a living will. It sounds like you've discussed matters like this with your mother, though, and that she's made her wishes clear. If you know your mom's wishes are NOT to have a feeding tube, then no, don't let them place one. She may surprise you and begin to eat again, and she may not. Whichever, if she's made her wishes known, honor them.

My question would be why the hospital stopped her IV if she's not taking anything by mouth. Just because they WANT her to take her meds by mouth and she can't doesn't take away the fact that she still NEEDS her meds, as well as they hydration an IV can provide.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Making choices like this is not easy, but remember: sometimes we have to do what is right, not what is easy.