Anyone have the horrible fate of deciding if mom lives or dies?

I understand the context of this question, and the wrenching soul-searching it inspires.

It may help to think of the question as being about deciding if my loved should live or die AT THIS TIME. Ultimately (short of homicide) we do not have the power over life and death. Someone with a fatal condition is going to die of it, pretty much regardless of what we do. Giving certain drugs or treatments, putting in a feeding tube, etc. is not going to prevent someone from dying ... but it might postpone the event. For how long? At what quality of life? Those are the questions to ponder and get professional input about.

It's only been 9 days! Give yourself a break!!

Yes, she's in pain and confused. And yes, she has a DNR. And double yes, you are a good person. The fact that you are agonizing about this is proof.

I'm glad you are alert to the long-term consequences of feeding-tubes and other invasive treatments. One of the things I found helpful was getting the doctors to write a "condition of use" addition to the order for the procedure.
My husband was on a feeding-tube for two weeks. At the end of that time, the tube was removed and he recovered well enough to eat on his own. If that doesn't seem to be happening for your mom, its time for another conversation with her doctor about quality of life. You need to ask:

1. Who is benefiting from the tube (the institution's death statistics, the
doctor's death statistics, the person on the tube, or your own guilty conscience?

2. Does the end justify the means? Is someone learning from this experience? Is there something about her condition that makes this situation unique?

3. What is your own highest principle? Life at all costs? Everyone getting along? The greatest good for the greatest number? Only when you know that can you make a sound reasoned decision.

Whatever you decide, someone is going to be unhappy -- doctors, aunts and uncles, her friends, your friends, the list goes on. Get the hospital's ethics chairman to walk you through the choices. Then take a deep breath and do whatever the two of you descide and know that you did your best. Hold your head up high and stick out your tongue at anyone who criticizes you.

i pray that God will take my dad.
this in not in malice, but i wish for him a peaceful exit.
he is not the man he once was. who is. he knows his time is near.

Follow your mom's wishes. I've been in your place (5 years ago) and never had any regrets in letting my dear 90 year old dad go. Your mom has also lived a long life - she wouldn't want to live like this now - and she believes she'll go to a better place. All of that should bring you peace, in time. To me, honouring someone's wishes at a time like this is the most self-less gift one can give.

My heart goes out to you. My father in law was in a Nursing Home which he hated so our daughter took him to live with her. She was a Nurse and it seemed like a good solution. He tried to get up by himself and slipped and fell and had to be taken to the hospital. He began to choke on food and they advised putting in a feeding tube. He always loved to eat and the tube made him miserable. If we had to do over again.,we would not have had the tube put in but you always think the doctor's know best. Just remember, you are much closer to your loved one than any doctor and you need to do what you think is best for them.

mrjess5, I'm going through the same thing with my mom, I had to have mager surgery on Feb. 3rd,2012 to have a total knee replacement so I had no one to stay @ home with my mom she too is 87 years of age so I placed her in a nursing home for a month and a half so I could have the surgery rehab @ home for a couple of weeks then bring her home. When my girlfriend came to pick me up so I could go and see mom @ the home II found her not eating and they didn't even encourage her to eat or drink she went from 125 to 102 in just a month and a half, so I put my recovery on hold so I could bring her home and I began trying my best to get some vitamans and nutritioal food into her if she doesn't eat I make her a choiclate Boost and choclate ice cream shack and I know I'm not suppose to but I crush all but 1 pill and I put it into her shack and she doesn't know that i've done it and she drinks her meds along with her shack. She began to gain some weight back and she is about 11 pounds back so she is about 120 again. I enrolled her into a daycare program called the PACE program and the med tecs. pick her up @ 8:45 am 5 days a week and they bring her back around 3:00 5 days a week and they do activies with her feed her lunch snacks every day andthere is a Doctors and nurses on staff all day. I'm glad I found this progrm is gives me a little time for myself to go to my physical Theropy appointments , food shopping, banking and the Doctors are releasing me to go back to my 3 hour a day little job @ the High School in town to work in the school lunch program. I get home @ 1:45 pm and vac the house do the few dishes and sit and relax for a bit until they bring her home again and then I make her supper give her a Sponge bath get her ready for bed and she tetires @ 7:30 pm until the next morning then everything begins all over again. Good Luck and see if they have any programs in your area to help you with your mom...

Bhenson, I am so sorry to hear about you mom in this condition and I hope you find the strength within yourself while making a decision on your mom's behalf.

You pretty much have already answered your question by stating this to us that, "She would never want to live this way at all and has stated many times before this that she was ready to meet God."
I know this has to be very hard on you but you already know what her wishes are for situation like this one. You are in our prayers and we all support you on your final decision.

Bhenson: Let your mom go. She has told you her wishes and in the lucid moment he had in the last day or so, she once again asked you to let her go. Please honor her wishes. She is trusting you to do so.

2 yrs ago tomorrow, my then 95 yr old Dad had a debilitating stroke and in a pantic, I asked that my Dad be placed on a feeding tube because he too was refusing foods and meds. He has a DNR but I was trying to help save my Daddy, I was so scared and had to make decisions pretty much on my own. Dad got the feeding tube , returned to NH care and pulled the tube out the same night.

Subsequently, dad was place in hospice. 2 yrs later, Dad is still in NH care with mom, he is eating and drinking…what and when he wants to! In other words, I have no regrets for going the xtra mile, but in reality was I right to go against the DNR? I don’t know and I don’t judge anyone in this position.

I can only tell you that thru many nights of crying and praying and listening to my inner voice, I made a decision that I could live with.
This community has been a support group for me when family and friends just didn’t get it…the loving and caring people out here GOT it and held my mouse as I typed out my fears and tears.

Seek and you will find the answers, love, support and guidance that you need. May your way be made clear, you are a loving and caring person making tough decisions.
Love and blessings!

I agree with others here. Honor your Moms wishes. She told you of them so it could be done for her.Our family had to decide for my brother. After this happened we all got together and let each other know of each of our decisions in case this happens to one of us. Good Luck..Remember your Mom is counting on you.

I sincerely hope that you are at peace with whatever you decide. Your mother has made peace with going to be with our Lord. there is no more pain or sorrow for her after she goes but you will be left with questions of what could I have done different? especially in your alone time but all u can do is work your conscience. Pray and pray some more for your peace.

I went through this last year. My mother was put on a respirator. After 1 week, I was told they had to take it off. She was off one day, and was not doing well. They had to put her back on. Then they started asking me if I wanted it removed for good. This was heartwrenching...how do you watch your mom gasp for breath (or in your case starve to death). Then her heart stopped and they revived her...this happened 3 times.
Finally, a very caring nurse sat down with me and asked me if I would want to go through all of this, knowing that the prognosis was not good. She explained that even though my mom probably wasn't totally aware of what was going on, she still was being put through hell. She asked me to look at what quality of life I expected my mother to have if she were to get through this. I had my answer at that point. The last couple days, they had to insert a feeding tube...so many tubes and cords sticking out of her neck. After almost 2 weeks of constant pain and agony, I signed the DNR for her...she passed the next day.
I understand what you are saying being an only child...I have a brother, but he lives far away, and I had to make all the decisions on my own.
I feel so much empathy for you...I grew up a lot during all this.

Like others have said, you are lucky to know her wishes. My mother is DNR, no feeding tube, and no hospital period. I took care my brother who died of kidney disease just over a year ago. While he and I had many discussions about his wishes, you also never know what variables lie ahead, exactly how things will play out. In the end, I had to call an ambulance even though he didn't really want that. He was throwing up a lot of blood, and I had to tell him that I couldn't handle what was happening by myself. We lost him the next day. I had some guilt about not following our plans to a T, but in counseling, I learned that the dying process does involve the caregiver also. Not what they want, but what they are able to handle. You'll make good decisions. I wish you peace with them.

What a decision to have to live with; If it were me ; I would talk to my mom and try to look deep into her eye's for the answer. Hopefully, I would be able to see and feel what it is that she wanted. God Bless you, I'm sure whatever you do, will be the best for your mom. It's clear that you love your mom very much, and I know this is probably the hardest desicion you will ever make in your life. Your mother believed in you to care for her. Take a deep breath, swallow and .... believe in yourself. Don't allow anyone, including the doctors to make this decision. You can do this.

Search for a Living Will. If none exists, then talk with all the physicians surrounding your mother. If one does exist, then read it carefully as to the paragraph on Food and Water. Keep tabs daily on her vitals and her gneneral condidion. A DNR does not preclude a feeding tube........DNR simply means "Do Not Resucitate".
I would insert the feeding tube, and add a heated I V. Make sure she is comfortable at all times. She will pass anyway and probably soon. If you do all these things, you will have no regrets. God Bless you and good luck!

Hi, It's Helen again. If you decide to not articially feed mom, You can certainly get Hospice involved right away. Talk to hospital social worker and doctor. If you are up to it, you can have mom brought home, asap and get the mitts off her hands, let her smell some chicken soup you can be cooking in the kitchen, they'll arrange for a hospital bed and home health aids, and her mood should improve and those last moments may be the ones you may cherish the most. Get her back into her familiar surroundings if you can handle it. That's what I would do.

Dear Behnson,
I was in your shoes one and one half years ago. I still am in your shoes, since I did agree to put a gastric feeding tube in mom when she suddenly stopped eating, taking meds one and one half years ago due to dementia. She was 84, now this April she will be 86. I have full time care for her in her own home, with caring home
attendants that I hand picked. Mom never told me what she wanted to do if she were in that situation. I couldn't live with not feeding a disabled person, and especially when she made me her health care proxy, it was my responsibility to do what is best for Mom. That is the million dollar question. Well, initially I regretted the decision, she wasn't happy, but then after a few months, she adapted to everything, all the while being in her own home, her own bed, and I visited and orchestrated all the details . I have had opportunities to talk to mom, she has kissed me and is so happy to still see me and my children, Her ability to speak has diminished, but we get her out of bed each day, she gets wheeled into her living room and looks out the window. She has gone to church, has gone to her first grandchilds wedding, she knows that she is still loved. She is TOTALLY dependent on her caregiver for food, mediicine and water. Was this worth it? I don't know. The feeding tube will wear down, In order to change it, the doc would have to pull it out which I am sure will hurt mom, only to replace it with a another. I will not do that, but I know that I will feel guilty then too, as I felt guilty about making the choice of her living or dying. You see, Dementia has been taking her, and is she can't eat or drink, then
maybe we need to accept that it is her time and we don't have the responsibility of saving her life, if her life is only supported artificially. So, I don't have an answer for you, but if your mom has already expressed her wishes to you, then I would respect her wishes. I didn't know my mom's wishes. Take her lead. Show her love, and let her take control of her life and death. I have had moments with my mom that I would never have had by artificially feeding her. But, I 've just allowed her to be in a compromising life situation, in the best possible living environments, her home. Who was the feeding tube really for? To alleviate my guilt and responsibility to save her? Was her medical condition going to get better? No. So, try and come to terms with the idea that mom is going to die. Take a look at how that feels for you. The feeding tube could extend your mom's life for a few years. What kind of years will they be and would she want to live in a compromised situation, totally relying on someone else for survival.
I send you blessings and courage. Any day and any phone call I will be facing again this situation, but I think, I am more inclined to let her go now. May God Bless.
Helen

Dear Behnson,
I was in your shoes one and one half years ago. I still am in your shoes, since I did agree to put a gastric feeding tube in mom when she suddenly stopped eating, taking meds one and one half years ago due to dementia. She was 84, now this April she will be 86. I have full time care for her in her own home, with caring home
attendants that I hand picked. Mom never told me what she wanted to do if she were in that situation. I couldn't live with not feeding a disabled person, and especially when she made me her health care proxy, it was my responsibility to do what is best for Mom. That is the million dollar question. Well, initially I regretted the decision, she wasn't happy, but then after a few months, she adapted to everything, all the while being in her own home, her own bed, and I visited and orchestrated all the details . I have had opportunities to talk to mom, she has kissed me and is so happy to still see me and my children, Her ability to speak has diminished, but we get her out of bed each day, she gets wheeled into her living room and looks out the window. She has gone to church, has gone to her first grandchilds wedding, she knows that she is still loved. She is TOTALLY dependent on her caregiver for food, mediicine and water. Was this worth it? I don't know. The feeding tube will wear down, In order to change it, the doc would have to pull it out which I am sure will hurt mom, only to replace it with a another. I will not do that, but I know that I will feel guilty then too, as I felt guilty about making the choice of her living or dying. You see, Dementia has been taking her, and is she can't eat or drink, then
maybe we need to accept that it is her time and we don't have the responsibility of saving her life, if her life is only supported artificially. So, I don't have an answer for you, but if your mom has already expressed her wishes to you, then I would respect her wishes. I didn't know my mom's wishes. Take her lead. Show her love, and let her take control of her life and death. I have had moments with my mom that I would never have had by artificially feeding her. But, I 've just allowed her to be in a compromising life situation, in the best possible living environments, her home. Who was the feeding tube really for? To alleviate my guilt and responsibility to save her? Was her medical condition going to get better? No. So, try and come to terms with the idea that mom is going to die. Take a look at how that feels for you. The feeding tube could extend your mom's life for a few years. What kind of years will they be and would she want to live in a compromised situation, totally relying on someone else for survival.
I send you blessings and courage. Any day and any phone call I will be facing again this situation, but I think, I am more inclined to let her go now. May God Bless.
Helen

As a doctor told me when facing less difficult circumstances as you...

"There is a difference between being alive and living."

You know what should be done...what your mother would want. You're feeling guilty coming to that conclusion or saying it. You are not a horrible person for thinking this way. Your conscience is speaking to you.

I wish you, and your mother, peace.

A common side effect of a feeding tube is severe diarrhea

Last year, my mom had a massive stroke, and I was faced with the same questions you are facing. She had a living will and DNR. I decided she would not have wanted a feeding tube or to live like she was having to (she was 86) live. The doctor put her on hospice. They paid for everything except the aides I hired to help me. She was happy I brought her home and I was happy to have her here with me when she passed away. I am a only child, so I know what you are going through.....it can be overwhelming. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to.

These are good questions to ask. In my mind it boils down to dignity and quality of life. My husband chose to turn off his mother's life support. It was an easy decision. We use extreme measures when it is contraindicated, for our own emotional needs, not our loved one's. His mother recovered, but it was a good decision.

do you have Hospice centers in your area ?they will take her wether shes on a feeding tube or not. It doesnt cost you anything. Ask the hospital case worker to help you get the info and refferals you need, Most cities have long term facilities. 4 weeks is a long time to deal with this kind of pressing question
hugs to you.....

Yes, I faced the same thing about ten years ago. My mother had a stroke. After her treatment in the hospital, she was placed in a nursing home, to hopefully get some strength back, so that she could come home. While in the nursing home, she developed Sepsis, from diabetes, and had to have her leg removed. That was the hardest decision that I've ever had to make. They assured me that if they took it off, that she would live. They called, and called, until I gave in. I spoke with my mom about it, and, she said that I should not have to make such a decision. But, due to their insistence, I finally gave in. She never got better. She died a couple months later.

At first, I was so guilt filled, and angry. I hated the doctor, because, he said that she would live, if they removed her leg. I had to finally come to the realization that she would have died either way. And, that I did what I thought was best at the time. It is the saddest think in life, when we have to make those kinds of decisions. I thought back to the kind of woman my mom was. She would not want to live sick, being the kind of person that she was.

Above all, know that you are not selfish or anything other, than trying to make the best decision that you can make. And, that is all that you can do. I wish you peace.

At 87 it sounds like she has lived a long life. This is obviously a very hard decision for you. But, that just shows that you care very much for your mother. That is the way is should be. Look to your heart, her wishes and the medical staff's opinions. Then decide what the best choice for her. Whatever you decide may not be the best choice for you. My guess is that you really want her to stay in this life with you. But, it is her quality of life and her wishes that you must consider, not yours. I am sure you will do the right thing. Take care and God bless both of you.

Feeding tubes are a wretched experience, my best friend ( in her 60's and capable) has had constant problem; much maintenance required, regularly replacing them, leaks, clogs...trips to ER to clear out. Don't go that route... Hospice Nurse is right...Mom knows best. You are a terrific daughter, wife, mother.

The Quality of our life makes life worth living or can make life a living hell.

I think of my own father, who spent his last two years laying in a bed in a nursing facility - slowly dying from a brain tumor. He could still eat, but had an IV for fluids and he lingered and lingered. The final year he was unable to talk. I know in my heart that he would have preferred death, but death didn't come easily for daddy.

He was always so active. A cowboy in his younger days. He was an avid gardener and outdoor person - had hobbies (he was a Rock Hound and made lovely jewelry) and loved to play with his grandkids. We didn't use any heroic efforts to prolong his life - he just lived - far longer than he wanted to. We would never have done anything to hasten his passing, but certainly did nothing to help him linger either. There is nothing easy about watching someone we love so much die. It is so very hard to say goodbye.

I lived in another city. I remember the last night I spent with my dad. I talked to him and held his hand and his eyes told me he loved me. I sat on the floor next to his bed for a very long time while he slept. Before I left - I told him good bye and told him he didn't have to hang on for me - to rest if he needed to. Then I went home. I got the call early the next morning that he was gone.

I have never stopped missing him. It has been forty years and it's like it all happened yesterday. I still have flowers from his yard and a night blooming Cerius cactus he gave me when I got married 44 years ago. Wish he were here to see them.

When my sister's cancer was taking over, they said to remove the feeding tube was the most humane act, as it gives more pain than not, and she said that she would rather be free of pain than living a few more days. Refusing to eat is the dying person's request for release.

would rehab really improve her condition. does she want to go to rehab?
my mom and dad went through these same things. the only reason they went through rehab was because they wanted to please me. my mother passed away 1 yrs ago and my dad is slipping away day by day. i just want my dad to be comfortable, safe and cared for, for as long as he can.

You know her wishes, respect them and let her go be with God. My mom also lives with me and has a dnr and a living will, I will respect his wishes when that time comes for me, will keep you in my prayers, many hugs