Anyone have the horrible fate of deciding if mom lives or dies?

Thank you 195 Austin. My brother decided to put in the feeding tube. He lives in AZ and has not come out to see mom and I live in NJ with mommy. Unfortunately, he was the first person on the Living Will and they will not take my advice or thoughts. He's a doctor and for some reason thought putting it in was a good idea. Mom is now in a nursing home with a feeding tube and is completely unaware of surroundings or anything else. I'm livid with my brother as he made the decision and I have to see the consequences and live with them. He hasn't seen my mom in over 6 years. Thank you so much for your input. I'm sorry about your husband but glad that he passed peacefully.

(((((bhenson))))) that must be so frustrating, Look after you, in any case, and let us know how you are and mum is doing. I suppose because your bro is a doctor, thay will bow to him regardless. Howe can he know what is best when he has not even seen your mum in over 6 years? More (((((((hugs)))))

Since your brother is not doing what your Mom wants whenever the facility decides that payment is due and it will come about at some point NH are a business and you never see them closing so it pays for itself your brother can pay the bills but more important some day he will have to answer for his actions. I hope you keep in touch and keep us updated and I hope all who read this will do the paperwork so this never happens to another family NY state is very proactive on this and every person who is in a hospital gets the paperwork-everyone has a chance to make their wishes known and it takes the burden away from family members in a time of crisis-I was so glad I knew what my husband wanted when the time came to make those decisions.

I feel for you too. I'm going through the exact same thing with my mom. She's a victim of medical malpractice and we never thought she would end her life this way. We tried many things to get her better and a few times she looked like she would make some progress and get better. My sister wanted to put her in hospice a month ago to convenience herself. It was very disheartening to here her say that.

I wish I could give you advice but we're still trying to decide on a hospice for mom even though I feel that she is still wanting to live. She can't talk, just lays in bed and moans occasionally and is so contracted that any touch, movement is painful. So it is difficult.

Please know that you are not alone. It hurts and it's a matter of like you said, you know she wouldn't want to live like that. My mom is a DNR too and I know she would want to go out peacefully not in agony. I wish you nothing but peace of mind and comfort for your mom. Sometimes people end up recovering in Hospice. It's a long shot but who knows, there's always room for a miracle.

"From a heart that has been there, may I encourage you! Don't overlook the caregiver. Love on them. Encourage them. And be the hands of Christ, helping carry their burdens, in the midst of their weariness!" I copied this, but I felt that I needed to answer your question.. and since it has been a while, I wondered what you decided. My mom had colon cancer and spent her last few days in a nursing home.. it wasn't what she would have wanted but having small kids I couldn't take care of her.. my only regrets was not having hospice to help me through.. my dad wouldn't allow that but he did allow me to make all of the other decisions. And I do also have a younger sibling... God gave me the strength... prayers are with you now!

My sister and I had to make this decision two weeks ago. Mom was in a lot of pain after falling and breaking her back, and she had pneumonia that was antibiotic resistant. After she got pneumonia, she became very restless and agitated and was
in constant pain. She got so she could not eat or drink or swallow. The nursing home suggested Hospice and they kept her quiet and pain free until she passed
away one week. I was with her alone in the room when she died so it has been
very hard for me. Somehow I have to keep myself together today for her funeral, I
have to play the piano for the funeral and give a talk. She would have wanted me
to play for her funeral though, she had everything planned out what she wanted,
and fortunately had most of it paid for in advance. The decision was easier for my
sister to make than me, as she is a doctor and sees death all the time with her work. I took care of mom in her apartment for 7 years and then came to visit her every day in the nursing home, so it is harder for me to see her go. I do recommend Hospice, they were very good at knowing what to do and keeping
her comfortable.

Hopefully when that time comes god will strengthen me to do whatever is best for my mom. At least you had your sister to provide some sort of support. My siblings are so caught up in their lives and/or career that everything falls on me for the caregiving of my mom. It is extremely hard but I can't even stand to let myself think about the day she won't be here. Your sister may have handled it different but I am sure that it is hard for her also. It's different when it's in your own family. The emotions are different that she has to deal with if it was a patient (maybe still hard) but you feel as if you loose a part of yourself when a family member dies.

If your mother was in her right mind and able to express her wish to be with the Lord then there is nothing for you to feel bad about. It is obvious that she is confident in where she is going so let her take her rest. And you take comfort in knowing that she will without a doubt, be better off.

You sound like a really nice person. Have you talked to the social worker or other counselors at the facility where your mom is? How about your other relatives besides your daughter who is pregnant? Like aunts, cousins? I pray that things get better for you. Please keep us posted.

I am so sorry you are in this position. I do not know what I would do but I think I would not allow the feeding tube. Best wishes to you.

again you are not a horrible person, you know her wishes, respect them and let her go be with god, prayers are with you, do not allow a feeding tube

My question would be why did they stop her I V meds? Infusion is easier this way than orally. A DNR does not mean withholding meds, or withholding food, feeding tube or otherwise. It simply means Do Not Resuscitate AFTER an event has taken place. At age 87, she will pass sooner than you think, without hurrying it along.
My suggestion is to make her completely comfortable with food, water and warmth and appropriate pain meds.

@bhenson, my heart goes out to you. we just went through something similar to that with our mom. Only she was a medical malpractice. But after reading literature given us by hospice only a day before she died, it appeared that my mom was moving towards death for at least 3 - 4 months before she died. We did have a feeding tube inserted since the doctors kept giving us hope that she would come back. Sadly, the deal was already done when they misdiagnosed her from the beginning. She died 2 months after the feeding tube. She also did not want to have such a thing but she was so medicated and hallucinogenic that she didn't know what was going on. She too refused to eat after the surgery that led to the misdiagnosis. It was a struggle to get her food. Sounds like your mom is done. I wouldn't listen to the doctors since I had such a horrible experience with their lack of expertise and care. If your mom has said she's ready to meet God before this, then this is her way of preparing you to let go. But the call is still yours. At 87, she still may be able to recover and live longer. My mom was 2 days short of her 87th but should have had more years. You are not a horrible person for struggling with this. I will be straightforward, I still don't know if we did the right thing. Life is not something one can easily throw away and never look back. The doctors should not be withholding her meds either. They can give her nutrition called TPN and have a pic line to give her the meds without the feeding tube, at least for now. There are still many ways to get around it but hopefully you are power of attorney and what you say goes. The hospital can't just decide on their own to stop without your authority. That's unethical and also illegal.

I know I've rambled but hopefully I've given you some hope no matter what decision you make. Just think of her quality of life and would she/you be able to accept it? Will she just end up having more problems that will prolong suffering for her or will she return to what she was? As I said, it is difficult but pray about it and go with your gut feeling. That is what kept my mom going until she gave up. And maybe that's what you need to do is let her give up first. Then you don't have to make that decision. My prayers are with you. Please surround yourself with caring friends/family.