My FIL, 94, has always been a wretched, selfish, mean person. Somehow, he married my incredibly kind MIL and their grown son (my unmarried BIL) lives with them. FIL sleeps 22 hours a day, but is a hoarder, demands for weird foods (fermented cabbage juice) or says things like "I need a special pillow, but it can't be made of X, Y or Z because it might give me cancer." He's been wasting away for months, only eating raw food for years now. He's frail, maybe weighs 90 pounds, wears a diaper but yells and insults my MIL and BIL. "Don't you speak English? I can't believe how stupid you are."
Both MIL and BIL are worn out and of the "don't make it worse" mindset and tend to cower around him and try to placate him. My husband and I live 3 hours away. We *think* we can get the FIL into a nursing home, since FIL has had a couple of falls, due to his frailty and the crap in his room. He only gets out of bed around 3 a.m.
Do his abusive language, yelling and constant demands make it possible for us to remove him from the home and put him in a care facility? The FIL would be furious, but we don't care. We're more concerned with my elderly MIL and her quality of life (she's pretty frail, too, but so lovely). Could we say that his home is not safe (because of his hoarding and falls?
Our biggest fear is that my MIL will die before him, never having had any freedom from his tyranny. Please advise!
Your MIL and BIL need to start telling him to shut the hell up. They have to stand up for themselves.
It's possible to get him placed and here's how. Get him to a hospital ER somehow. It may have to be by ambulance. Then your BIL and MIL need to tell the nurse in the ER to send a social worker down because they're asking for a 'Social Admit' for your FIL because he's not safe in the home and they cannot care for him anymore. Make sure they use the wording 'Social Admit'. They must be very clear that they absolutely REFUSE to care for him again, and that if he's returned to the home he will be left on his own. The social worker will make all kinds of promises of homecare and try to tell them there's all kinds of resources and help available to keep him at home. There's not. If this was true there wouldn't be nursing homes all over the place.
Your MIL and BIL have to be adamant about not taking him back and not being his caregivers again. That they are unable to
The hospital will admit him and keep him there until they find a bed for him in a managed care facility.
Your MIL and BIL have to be strong and not allow them to send him back and they won't. Good luck and keep us posted.
BUT.....(and it's a big one).....will your MIL and BIL allow this to happen? Since they have been cowed by him for so long, will they accept it?
I think this will be your biggest hurdle.
I ask because, legally, in the absence of those documents his wife if the legal next of kin and has ALL the power.
As much as it breaks your heart to see her treated poorly, it has been her choice to stay in this situation for decades. She may resent you guys for interfering.
What does she feel should happen?
If he is only awake for 2 hours a day, perhaps, hiring an outside aid for those hours would be a good solution.
From personal experience, just because someone is venting to you doesn't mean they want to be rescued. Have a heart to heart with the family and find out if they want intervention or just a listening ear. If you intervene when it is not wanted it just adds more stress and heartache for the caregivers.
Have that talk and move forward with what MIL would like to see happen.
Unfortunately, the verbal spewing really has no meaningful impact on what you do to better his (and your) situation, but it’s really very likely that he’s got some dementia going on, and since he’s refusing help, SOMEONE besides him has to make the first move.
Here’s hoping one of you holds his POA.
If you can get him in a facility, MIL will need to see an elder lawyer concerning splitting assets. FILs split goes to his care and when almost gone Medicaid is applied for. Mom gets the home, car and enough or all of the monthly income to live on.
They're afraid of a 90-pound man in diapers who sleeps 22 hours a day?
Come on. That's ridiculous.
What I think is happening here and it's very common these kinds of situations, is that your MIL and BIL want your FIL to start being nice and grateful for all their good care.
Not gonna happen.
They want him to willingly go to a nursing home with no hard feelings towards them.
Not gonna happen.
No one wants to have any unpleasant feelings themselves like guilt or regret that come when placing someone in managed care.
Not gonna happen. Everyone has those feelings even if they hate the person they're placing.
No one wants to see property and every cent a person ever had get handed over to a greedy nursing home.
Unless the person being placed has set up their estate to make it exempt from the billing office of the nursing home or Medicaid,
it's gonna happen.
Deal with the unpleasant feelings that come when placing a "loved one" in facility care.
Liquidate the assets and pay the nursing home. Medicaid is reasonable to a living spouse. Especially if they are depedent on the income of the person being placed. Nursing homes are not reasonable and have no problem leaving a spouse in the street. That's why you go with your MIL to a lawyer to make sure she knows what her spousal rights are concerning Medicaid.
Your MIL and BIL have a choice. Either they place him or they don't. The fear of him is ridiculous and is not what's preventing them from placing him.
I wish the decisions were up to my husband. The horrid old man would be out by now.
It sounds like everyone could benefit from him being on something to calm him the heck down. Not sure what, but MIL should get in touch with his doc on Monday AM.
She must be willing to cooperate with Social Services in getting him placed.
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