It seems like doing what I want and need conflicts with what my dad (94) and my partner (68) want and need. Is honoring myself selfish?

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I divorced 6 years ago, and moved to New Mexico to help my aging parents. My mom died 3 years ago, and my dad, now 94, was pretty devastated and kind of sat down and waited to die. I recently moved him to a nice little assisted living house and he is as happy as it is possible for him to be there. I also began living with a man and purchased a house.
When my daughter, who lives in New York City, had a baby recently, I rented an apartment, and went to help her with daycare for 4 months. I love it! Also, my only other daughter has a family in the same area, with an 8 and 10 year old, so I see them regularly also. I love it, and I am seriously thinking of making this a permanent arrangement if I can swing the finances. My partner is sad but understanding and supportive of this choice. We have yet to work out the logistics, but he may stay in my house and care for it, and also look after my dad. He and my dad are not close, but he is willing to bring him his mail, and look in occasionally. I have no siblings, but my dad has a couple of friends my age who also look in on him and visit. I pay his bills and handle his finances. The relationship with my partner is a mix of good and bad (he struggles with alcoholism). So that remains to be seen how that will play out anyway.
The problem is my dad. He is sad and misses me. Also, I am really his only caretaker. Friends are fine, but I am his only family nearby. And I feel so guilty.
My plan is that I will divide my time, maybe fly back once a month. I want to try this for a year. I want very much to be involved with my grandchildren and they are only little for such a short time, so I feel I need to do it now. Also, I am active, and can join some groups and make some friends now, so that when I am needier as I age, I will already have made a home in New York instead of coming there and being isolated and dependent on my kids for my social life. I feel selfish, and yet, I also feel I have made all the decisions in my life based on what I feel others need and I want to do this for me. Family means more than anything else to me, and yet I am abandoning some family to be with others.
I'd appreciate hearing from others who live in two places, give care to a parent long distance, have long distance relationships with a partner, or just objective observations. Thanks!

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He's not alone. He's surrounded by people at his AL. You offered to bring him East. He's made his choice. Welcome to NYC!
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Be selfish and don't feel guilty. Never allow another person to dictate how you live your life. To me, children and grandchildren have a higher priority than a parent. You seem to have a good plan, go for it.
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Since your Dad is comfortable living in assisted living, why not bring him to New York to an assisted living center near you.... that way he can see his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Bet he would love that.

I realize a move for someone who is 94 years old won't be easy, depending on his physical needs, could he travel by car or train with you?
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Moving to NY to be with your kids and grandkids sounds lovely and I understand why you want to go. It's a very tough choice to make.
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Unless your guy friend is in treatment for alcoholism, your life with him will probably just get more stressful for you. I'd bail on him now if he won't go into treatment plan.
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Is partner able to make house payments and keep it up? Or will you be supporting him? How much do you have tied up in this house? Would you ever really want to go back? Do what is best for YOU financially and emotionally. Dad will be fine.
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You need to make up your mind one way or the other. Do not expect your partner to hang around, chances are he won't. Hire a care manager for Dad and a housekeeper and a cook. That way you can stay where you are.
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Nothing to feel guilty about, my dear, and definitely time to make decisions with your own best interests in mind.

Would skype be a possible means of keeping in touch with your dad? Might there be someone in the AL who could help him with that if it were set up on a regular schedule?

I think I can understand Dad wanting to stay in his familiar territory, even though that is not exactly logical. My mother is in a care center in an area she is not familiar with. I can't see that it makes any difference. Her mobility is such she seldom gets out of the building. We take her for wheelchair walks around the neighborhood. It isn't the neighborhood she used to be familiar with but it has similar houses and fun things to look at. There is no one left in her old neighborhood to visit her, no matter where she is. She didn't have a connection to a church and she'd long since stopped doing her own shopping. So I think your Dad could be comfortable in NY. But that is logic -- and logic often just doesn't apply in senior decisions.

He gets to make his own decisions for his own reasons. You get to make yours, too.
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When you get old you become comfortable with things, people and places you know. Just the name of your town may become a security blanket like a kid with favorite toy. It just makes you feel safe. Does not matter how much you love the people who want to take care of you, you cling to the familiar.
So let Dad stay where he is. He is comfortable in his current surroundings and knows there are people there to take care of him. Make your own choices about what is good for you and your family. Blessings
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You wrote. "I'd appreciate hearing from others who live in two places, give care to a parent long distance, have long distance relationships with a partner,"
I've been doing this to a degree for years. The main difference in my situation and yours is that my second space doesn't include my grandchildren so I envy you that. Also my husband has to travel a good deal. Sometimes I go with him but only if the stars are aligned perfectly. My second space is not as far away as you would be. I drive where you would fly. Would your partner be a visitor to your second home? Would you be able to bring the grandchildren with you to see their great grandfather? I see you have scheduled visits monthly. How long would the visit be ? Where would you spend the holidays that are important to your family? That's the hardest one for me because there are so many people to coordinate. Does your partner visit your dad now? Does your partner have extended family in NM? How would you feel if you returned and your partner had " re-partnered"? In your home? No need to answer these questions. Just saying, the garden runs wild if it isn't tended. The communication devices we have today make it easier than it would have been a few years ago. Travel is easier. If you have the funds available and others are willing it should work. Where do you see yourself ultimately settling? How long do you think you would continue in two spaces? Would you plan to continue after your dad passes? You will need duplicates of many items to keep from feeling like you are living out of a suitcase and to always have what you need to make necessary decisions and for reference. Again technology makes that easier. Don't forget to back it up and you can even travel without lugging your lap top. There is no one way to live out our lives and of course there are sacrifices either way. You have an abundance of wealth in having people you love wherever you are. You've already made what would have been the harder decision for me in moving your dad to AL. It is so important for children to have a multigenerational connection in their lives. Best wishes for all of you.
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