Honoring thy Mother and Father; when is it enough or am I a big baby...

I'm in a similar boat. My father's wife of 7 years left him this winter (not as long a marriage I know) when he started displaying signs of dementia. He has since moved in with my husband and I. Caring for him is stressful and never moreso than when a nerve is struck for me regarding our history. The best coping mechanisms I've found are counselling and exercise. That being said, there comes a time when you need to protect yourself above all else and bring in outside help for Dad, whether that means hiring a support worker at home or looking into assisted living or long-term care. Good luck to you. I know it's not an easy battle.

Rathergolf look into assisted living for him. This is stressful for you and that makes it harder for dad as well. How long has he been in your house? He is not going to get better, it is a progressive disease.

The wife hung in for a long time, 28 years. Is she a beneficiary? Is dad competent to update all of his documents? POA? DNR? Living will? Who is his POA?

Your profile says that he is in assisted living. It sounded as if you were providing 24/7 care. If you are having a difficult time doing what is needed for him, I suggest you find a Geriatric Care Manager that will keep track and do what needs to be done. Was he in assisted living before his wife left? If he was at home then went to AL there is going to be a period of adjustment for him. As time goes on his needs will increase but maybe he woyld have begun to adjust.

rathergolf, you are NOT "stuck with him" -- his needs are being met in a assisted living facility. Do exactly as much as you freely choose to do, not one bit more. Maybe you want a chance to get to know him again, and to make some connection. Fine. This is your chance. Maybe you want to maintain a distance and continue to stay on the periphery of his life, as he apparently chose many years ago. Fine. You are certainly entitled to do that.

You are not a victim here. You have a choice. Decide what you are comfortable with and what you prefer, then do it.

See a lawyer asap. If there was a lopsided divorce settlement, it will make getting Medicaid rather difficult. If he has savings or long term care insurance, start using it for a nursing home/memory care unit.

Hello everyone, thank you for your support and input... We are past the lawyer and divorce...before we discovered what was happening, she had our dad sign everything over to her... It is a very long winded story, and we did hire a second att... and that gave us some comort... I was just giving history of the story.... Also, he does live in an assisted living, we moved him away from his situation and he wanted to be in an assisted living. For the most part he seems content.... however it is the extras that I do for him, shopping doc appt. driivng, laundry (becuase they have lost his closthes) and the non stop worry.... and then the drama and hurt of the past, that I think is resolved... but then it seems to pop up again :) sigh.. I know things could be worse. ... AGain, I thank you for the input and encouragement....