At home on hospice, my mother-in-law is declining both physically and cognitively. How to steel yourself for dealing with the decline?

1st check with her Dr ASAP and get some antianxiety meds such as Ativan 10 mg that what I take since my heart failure & death in 2006, 5 other family members take this as my mother did as she was dying God Bless Her Sweet Soul. 2nd you can reach me. Free I help others as I am Blessed as a survivor of 4th stage colon cancer & a 4 month coma!

Next assure her where she is safe at a hospital at home... who is with her and that you all love her and hold her hand, if she can hear play some quiet music church, calming whatever she would recognize!
IF she is a God/church person pray aloud prayers that comfort her if Catholic ask her IF she wants a priest?
Talk about who she will be with her husband, parents... children and that she is again safe and at peace reassure her THAT SHE HAS NOTHING TO FEAR ? ALSO ASK WHAT ARE YOU ARAID OF???? We are right here with you you are ok....ask if she is in pain....I would NOT sedate her unless necessary because these are times to tell her you love her, how great a mother she is, for her to communicate while she can, do not take that opportunity away from your family and her. GET anyone who cares there to be with her and say their goodbyes. God will help you! Dr Jack Grenan

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Midkid58
2 hours ago
We kept daddy very calm all the time. Hospice was wonderful. They taught those of us who care for him how to beat the anxiety/pain before it began, and how to talk to and be with dad so he didn't feel minimized.

I'd spoon feed him, sometimes he'd puke all over me. I'd just laugh and say "Betcha I puked on YOU a lot when I was a kid"...making a yucky situation better. I rubbed his legs and back. Kept him calm and watched RoadRunner cartoons. When he had his lucid moments I reveled in those.

As he declined, he was asleep more and more (and it was not due to increasing the morphine, it was his body sh

Hi, i feel like i am where you are. Hospice says mom has days, maybe weeks left. I am caring for her alone in my home. Im also caring for my only sibling who is 52 but is severely mentally challenged functioning like a 2 y.o. just the three of us but i feel so lonely abd sad

Imho, EOL can be a very frightening times for elders. Continue prayers.

Have you asked for a visit by the Hospice Chaplain? It might be of comfort to MIL
It is or can be distressing particularly if your loved on can not express their fears or concerns.
The anti anxiety medication does help and take the edge off. And as a side bonus when MIL has less anxiety or stress it makes her caregivers less anxious as well.
She needs comfort and reassurance. Hold her hand tell her she is safe.

I went through this exact thing with my father 8 months ago, and this last week my mother passed and she also did the same thing. I told her she was the best mom ever, reassured her that I loved her, I didn't want to lose her but if she needed to go, she should, and told her I would "see her later." The hospice people did give her Ativan, when she was agitated, and I'm glad they did, it was hard to watch her being so uncomfortable. I held her hand, but she would let go of my hand and raise her hand occasionally like she was reaching for something, then when she would lower her hand I would hold it again and stroke it, and I just repeated how much I loved her and what a great mom she was. This was just last weekend and she passed a few hours into it. My father lasted quite a bit longer, he seemed to fight it more, but he knew my mom was still around. I think my mom was ready to go. I have never had experience with hospice before losing my parents, and I see what a great service this is. I was lost as to what to do, and they stepped in and I was able to spend time with my folks at the end without worrying about what I could do physically to make the more comfortable, they handled all of that. All I wanted to do was hold their hands and let them know how much they were loved, and that it was okay to go. God bless you as you go through this.

Based on personal experiences, spend as much time with her as you can and reassure her you love her and tell her when she crosses over to look down on you with love. Tell her one day you will meet again and be together again. There really is not much one can do - they know what is happening and it is heartbreaking and so fearful. Use compassion and empathy and support her in any way you sense she can feel a bit less afraid. Bless you.

Many at the end of life become anxious and scared. What you should do is let her know you understand and always ask what you can do to help. You may not feel you are helping, but just being empathetic is all that is needed. I am so sorry for what is happening.

1st check with her Dr ASAP and get some antianxiety meds such as Ativan 10 mg that what I take since my heart failure & death in 2006, 5 other family members take this as my mother did as she was dying God Bless Her Sweet Soul. 2nd you can reach me. Free I help others as I am Blessed as a survivor of 4th stage colon cancer & a 4 month coma!

Next assure her where she is safe at a hospital at home... who is with her and that you all love her and hold her hand, if she can hear play some quiet music church, calming whatever she would recognize!
IF she is a God/church person pray aloud prayers that comfort her if Catholic ask her IF she wants a priest?
Talk about who she will be with her husband, parents... children and that she is again safe and at peace reassure her THAT SHE HAS NOTHING TO FEAR ? ALSO ASK WHAT ARE YOU ARAID OF???? We are right here with you you are ok....ask if she is in pain....I would NOT sedate her unless necessary because these are times to tell her you love her, how great a mother she is, for her to communicate while she can, do not take that opportunity away from your family and her. GET anyone who cares there to be with her and say their goodbyes. God will help you! Dr Jack Grenan

I'm sorry for your MIL's distress and confusion and the distress it causes you. My father wanted to die for a couple of years before he did die. He kept asking his doctors and me why he hadn't died yet. He was afraid his heart would keep beating forever. This started in Independent Living the A/L then SNF. My mother lived with him in I/L and A/L and was able to visit him as much as she wanted to when he went to SNF - there was a hallway connecting the two buildings.

Luckily he never seem to be in pain - but he would get agitated from time to time. His fear was that we wouldn't be OK once he was gone. He started in hospice while in A/L due to congestive heart failure plus other issues and was done - he was 91. Once in SN his confusion increased quickly. He never yelled out but he would get agitated. One day while visiting he was half asleep in his wheelchair and kept trying to get up. I just held and gently rubbed his hand and talked softly to him - he was profoundly deaf but I felt he could hear me. I told him he was ok; I told him we'd be OK that he could sleep; that it was ok to go. I guess he decided to stay around a little longer.

He had several delusional episodes like the time there was "a fire" and he was struggling with the nurses to get the children out of a burning building that wasn't there. Delusions about money he thought he owed; I would assure him that I had paid his debts already; you don't owe anyone any money which reassured him until the next time.

It is very had to watch someone decline and screaming will take its toll on you. If she is able to talk to you about her fears, try to help her find how a way to overcome her fear and reassure her that she is safe while you and God watch over her. Praying with her is a lovely thing to do and I hope it provides you both comfort and peace.

Have her doctor check her out to see that there isn't something else at work. Maybe she is in pain but is unable to tell you.

Good luck and may God bless your MIL and you and your family.

We kept daddy very calm all the time. Hospice was wonderful. They taught those of us who care for him how to beat the anxiety/pain before it began, and how to talk to and be with dad so he didn't feel minimized.

I'd spoon feed him, sometimes he'd puke all over me. I'd just laugh and say "Betcha I puked on YOU a lot when I was a kid"...making a yucky situation better. I rubbed his legs and back. Kept him calm and watched RoadRunner cartoons. When he had his lucid moments I reveled in those.

As he declined, he was asleep more and more (and it was not due to increasing the morphine, it was his body shutting down). We were quiet when he was quiet, talkative when wanted that. He had me sing to him, sometimes, for hours.

I have THE sweetest memories of being a part of ushering him into the next life. It was beautiful and sweet.

I realize that not everyone gets the passing that they'd choose, but for dad, by understanding what he wanted and needed and being calm and patient FOR him, helped him tremendously.

For me, b/c I am a woman of faith, dad's death was a glimpse into eternity. I KNOW his mom and sister came to 'get him'. What a sweet blessing.

I started to answer and was interrupted so I’m not sure if you got my answer. First, speak with the hospice nurse about what to do to calm her. She is very frightened. Secondly play music- either songs familiar to her or soft soothing music like harp. It reaches parts of the brain that nothing else can. Lastly, if she is religious, say familiar prayers with her and tell her stories of her past life

Take advantage of whatever medications calm your MIL's agitation and deal with each day as it comes. Don't torture yourself by fretting over what is lost or about how your MIL is declining. Focus on what needs to be done for her care and safety and be thankful when medication calms her. Being sleepy is fine. Even if she were not medicated for outbursts, she will sleep more and more as she declines. When she is asleep, you can still reassure her that you are there and that you love her.

Towards the end of his life my father was extremely agitated, angry at times, confused much of the time as well. His care became more than I was able to handle alone due to his behavior. I became afraid of him. His last two months he spent in a nursing home and even they could not handle him. He needed to be restrained but they are not allowed to do that. He could not walk but he kept forgetting he could not walk so he'd get up and fall. He ruined 3 wheelchairs, would topple over tables in the dining hall from being frustrated. His behavior was bizarre. The hardest part for me was putting him in there to begin with but also him begging me to help him. I was there daily but I didn't know what to do for him to help him. He was not in any pain. His decline in there was fast. I was called in the morning that they went to his room and he was gone. Heart attack was what they wrote on the death certificate. God knows anyone would have a heart attack with the anxiety he was experiencing. So hard to watch.

MaryBee, you can get through this. Just keep praying with her it will comfort her. Dementia is difficult for everyone. There is lots of help and plenty of opinions here.

My dad went from walking with his rollator, a very slow, shuffling walk, but still mostly independent and mentally sound for sure, to home hospice, to dying within less than two months. It was awful to watch for sure, but he was very tired of his health struggles and ready to go. It was only in the last week that we used the meds of hospice. I’d talked long and hard with the hospice nurse about the reputation of hospice hastening death. She was a huge comfort and help and gave me explanations that made complete sense. My dad would ask me “how much longer?” with such a pleading look in his eyes, it was hard to take. He so wanted to die in his sleep at his home. Ultimately he got his wish as his last day he was just sleeping. I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a rollercoaster, taxing both physically and mentally. I consider it an honor to have been there, it was the hardest experience and also a privilege to see him out of this world the way he wanted. Rest anytime you can, walk outside, and know you’re doing better than you think. I wish you both peace

Letting go of a loved one is hard work. Most people have ambivalence during this transition period. Most people are fine with alleviating pain for the one leaving. However, knowing that they are leaving can stir up a lot of memories of pain over old disagreements. Try to find a way to find peace over the past and live in the moment. Also, encourage others to visit so they can reach peace in their relationship with your MIL. Many people who are dying feel there is "life work" that needs completing. Some need to see all their loved ones before they die to say good bye, Some need to know that pets and/or personal affairs will be taken care of. Some need a version of last rites - ask your loved one's faith leader to visit and fulfill this obligation. Some pass when the family is gathered and others prefer to pass when they are alone in the room., Your MIL appears to be the type who needs companionship, As an RN, I have witnessed many people pass from life. Help your MIL to complete any "life work" so she can pass with peace.

Since she is a praying person, I have a couple of suggestions:

1 - Read the Bible to her. I like the gospel of Luke since this gospel had Jesus talking to so many different types of people, including a lot of women.

2 - Read or watch the movie "Heaven Is For Real." It is about a little boy who died for several minutes on an operating table and came back with amazing stories about heaven and the people he met in heaven. It may help your MIL - and the family - to feel more comfortable about dying if she knows what can await her.

3 - Ask her what she is afraid of. Praying is fantastic help, but dealing with fear may be what is needed to relieve the distress. If she feels she is not going to heaven, ask her to talk with Jesus about this and to accept His offer of help. If you are not comfortable talking about this, ask a pastor from a Bible-based church to talk to her about this.

4 - Anti-anxiety medication can help her to relax but will tend to make her sleepy. Near the end of life, most people tend to sleep most of the day. Hospice staff can advise you to make sure she has very little pain or discomfort.

5 - For yourself and any other friends/family that are having distress about her dying process - join a grief group. I like GriefShare since it is full of others who are processing the loss of loved ones. They can offer the best advice on ways to cope.

First, let me tell you that the Hospital bed Hodpice provided for my Dad was sooooo uncomfortable, try it yourself and you'll know what I mean.
I even put a gel pad on top to try to help it be more comfortable.
I ended up letting him sleep in a regular bed for awhile then bought him a new automatic recliner and he liked it so much, he even sleeps in it.
The only times he's not in it is when he gets his sponge baths, Cathiter changed, goes to the bathroom, eats at the kitchen table.
He's happy to be around people.
He doesn't like being by himself.
He's not on any med's at all and he has dementia and has short term memory loss, can't remember 5 or 19 minutes.
When he is awake, he is constantly saying What Do I Do Now?
other prases I'm hungry, I want a snack, I have to go to the bathroom, I'm tired and just want to close my eyes and rest.
Yes it can be very annoying to have to hear him non stop while he's awake but at 96 he sleeps on and off all day.
I wouldn't give meds unless the person is in pain as they can trigger all kinds of things including depression and suicidal thoughts plus keeping you groggy all the time which can make you paranoid and it can be scary.

I find it best to let them do whatever they want as long as it isn't hurting themself or someone else.

At this age I feel they deserve it.

My Dad eats whatever he wants as it's nonsense to have him on some kind of strict diet at his age.

If my Dad wants a snack every couple hrs he gets one

If he wants to watch TV at midnight he watches it.

Try Playing music for your loved one, it can be very soothing and good therapy.

Also, my Dad loves his feet massages, puts him right to sleep.

Juse remember it might be annoying to hear what do I do now repeatedly but I try to just think of it as when you were a little kid and was always asking What's This, Why, When are we going to get there, I'm bored, What can I do, ect

If you're going to have someone on meds, they might as well be in a Nursing Home because that's exactly what is done there so they are less trouble and bothersome.

I know it is bothersome but find ways to entertain them and remember, they won't be here much longer and when their time on earth is up, you won't have any regrets.

Do unto your loved one as you would want your lived one doing unto you.

Prayers

Mary Bee
My husband is following the same path as your dear MIL. He has fallen twice in the past week and is now just able to be pivoted into a chair due to weakness and inability to walk even a few steps without losing his balance. He is confused most of the time with thankfully some periods of lucidity. This has been a progressive process over the last three years. I feel so helpless at times but take each day as it comes. Blessings to you and your family.

Im so sorry you are going through this my sweet mom passed 2 months ago She had dementia horrible disease My dad had stroke in October which put my mom in a rapid decline (married 72 years). We had to put her on hospice to control her meds. My mom would scream out in pain saying she’s so sick and dieing saddest thing in my life. She was put on morphine and I believe that took her life. I feel guilt that we put her on that. My mom is a Christian women she would scream out to Jesus. Just sad. If you can maybe hospice can come in. They are a big help. Medication does help in this situation it’s just whether you want to do this. My mom was 92 and I know she wouldn’t want to live the way she was. Trust in God asks him for direction Pray pray I feel for you it’s very hard. I love this site, it did help me through this. You take care of yourself too! Please keep us all updated Take care ❤️

I am so sorry for her and your distress. It is wonderful you can be there to comfort her.

If you have not already done so, have her checked for a uti. This could be the source of added confusion. It was for my mom.

Sending you both a hug.

I am sorry that you are all facing this.

I’m also glad that you could pray together and have that comfort.

May God continue to guide you.

My husband was under in home hospice care for the last 22 months of his life. He also was completely bedridden. If not for the grace of God to get me through those months, and many years before, I don't know what I would have done. Not to scare you, but be prepared for a rollercoaster ride like you've never been on before. Some days will be good, and then some days will be bad, and some even really bad. It's incredibly hard to watch someone we love decline more and more each day. My heart goes out to you for sure. I'm glad to hear that you and your MIL, have your faith to lean on, as you will need that now more than you ever had before. You can do this, God will give you the strength, but just know that it won't be easy. But know this too, when it is all said and done, you will be a much stronger and more compassionate person than when this journey started. May God bless you and keep you.

I don’t know if anyone can ever prepare themselves for these difficult times.

I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this.

Sending prayers and hugs your way.