Has anyone tried using in-home caregivers instead of placing their parent in a facility?

I just noticed this question is 2 years old, I wonder how she is? I do take care of my Mom at home, with help so I can get out, its wonderful and the best care ever. Hope all is well!!

My in-laws have had night help for close to 3 years now and it has worked out quite well. My father-in-law needs to go to the bathroom 2 - 5 times a night and needs assistance. My mother-in-law did her best for quite a while until her own health needs prevented her continued help. Now they both need day help; they have a nice group of people who come in and take care of them.

Oh, btw, they have long term health insurance which is paying for the night help but they are (supposedly) not bad enough for the insurance to pay for day help. The insurance criteria is....if they can get out of the house; well, they can but it is so VERY difficult they only go out to doctors' appointments. As a result, my in-laws are paying for the day help out of their own pocket. It is cheaper to hire the day help as they are not going through an agency.

Their caregivers have all been wonderful and go the extra mile to be as helpful and caring as possible. We are blessed to have such a wonderful group to assist and know it's not always so.

All have good suggestions, however, EVERYONE PLEASE BEWARE &TAKE NOTE! The person coming into your home regularly entrusted with your love one can steal them blind! A friend of our family was hired to help us, she had our mother write a new will naming her executrix giving her everything of any value, getting her to sign a POA, medical and financial. She withdrew all money from the checking account one & 1/2 months prior to death. Be afraid very afraid!
Best of luck to all of you,
Upsidedown

I feel for you & pray that your answer will come to you, as to what to do, that's the hard part! You will need to do a lot of research if you decide to hire someone to come into your home! Get lots of references, not just paper that they could easily fake, call & go visit with whom they give reference from!

My uncle & his wife had hired an in home caretaker to help care for my aunt, she had cancer! My uncle had 3 children, 2 of which lived in two different states, far away from him & the 3rd, lived probably 40 miles from him & only came when needed! He had suffered from strokes & diabetes.

They hadn't noticed anything odd while she cared for her, when my aunt passed away, the same lady continued to care for my uncle. Once that happened, this lady brought her husband in to do minor repairs on the home, which no one thought anything about it at the time, he supposedly was a contractor! I also must say the lady they hired was working out of an agency for caring for the elderly, that's the scarey part! My uncle began to notice money going missing from his checking account, ended up being thousands. When it was tracked, it was the gal who worked from him, stolen checks, forged his name! Then when she was fired & prosecuted, her husband came in one night to kill him, my uncle was in bed, heard someone unlock his door, heard footsteps coming down the hallway, what the thief didn't know was he may have had strokes, but his mind was still very sharp & had regained reflexes! My uncle yelled out to the guy, I do have a loaded gun & it is pointed right at you, the guy turned & ran! My uncle called his daughter & her husband they came & took him home with them & the guy was arrested! This guy had a key his wife had stolen, my uncle nor his wife had never gave the gal a key!

Another example, a good friend of mine, had a husband that wasnt quite right, so he was seeing a gal at the county health department in the mental area of expertise! To make a long story short, she had him make out a new will, she had been in their lockbox, she had a POA & even had my friend arrested, had connections in the police department! I know this sounds outrageous, but is true story! Then my friends husband became ill, he had a heart condition & came limping home! My friend took him back, he hadn't told her he was sick! They redid the will & POA! The gal from the health department kept coming around trying to get him to sign a new POA along with the policeman! They didn't get the job done! The gal lost her job, ended up getting her job back in same area, is now giving seminars at local businesses on people who scam the elderly! What a joke! My friends husband just passed away, everything turned out fine, she cared for him for 7 years, he ended up with Parkinsons, Heart Disease, Diabetes, Colon Cancer & had no colon (she learned how to deal with the bag & is no treat), had to keep him in diapers as lost control of bladder & he had congestive heart failure at the end. My friend was a saint! They had no children, no family close to them, so this was a perfect setup for the thief!

There are too many that care for the elderly or sick that are crooks! They stalk them! Be very, very careful whom you allow in your mothers home!

Take Care of Yourself & God Bless you as you have to make decisions! Our nursing homes have priced themselves out of business, for the care you get!

Marilyn

We have two family members and an old friend help my husband and me care for my 91 yr-old mom (w/AD) in her home. I have a DPOA and I don't leave her checkbook in the house, nor any real valuables...not that they'd even be tempted. They don't have any authority to make any arrangements, repairs etc. for her, and we're there everyday at some point. I stay over three nights, and two ladies stay the rest, It's worked beautifully for us, but we've prayed a lot thru this, knowing we couldn't do it alone. It has been a very good arrangement for us, but now the isolation isn't helping mom! She's so lonely, sad, afraid and bored...so she'll be moving to a nursing home (with a great reputation) shortly. She definitely wants to move. The only way she can afford this is to go on Medicaid, and we thank God for that.

Hope you can find some good help that won't break the bank. You can check out nursing home "grades" online and get opinions from doctors and friends. No one will care as much as you do, but we have to let go of some things for thier sakes as well as our own. Visit often and keep a good relationship with the staff. Best of luck to you!

Thank You. All the help I can get.

I did. I desperately tried to keep mom in her home but she got worse and the aides less dependable. Assisted living was awesome (but then she adjusted well and was happy) and a lifesaver for me. Wish we had done it sooner!

Yes. My dad still lives at home with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's via three caregivers 24/7 working in 8 hour shifts.

Try a 6 pack, residential houses in your neighborhood, 2 caretakers, 6 residents, all of whom need some kind of care. Residents are free to go about, if able, 3 meals a day, some caretakers will walk residents around.. It's working for my mom and aunt, and I visit as much as possible... If you go in house, make sure they are bonded and a litigitmate company, Lady got slapped with a lawsuit, and lost her house. caretaker claims she hurt her back lifting lady....

Home care is the only choice for me. I've been taking care of mom for 10 years. I can't imagine leaving her in a nursing home. Even in the hospital, when I leave out the door, I'm rushing to get back to her. Home care is much easier to me. I'm not worried if she wants a glass of water and no one is giving it to her. This type of thing. I don't want to sound negative and no generalization about people is correct yet I think the health field leaves a lot to be desired. I often wonder why did the person chose this field. Anyway, at home, finding the right care is hard BUT when you do, this is definitely the way to go. I have so many memories to cherish and I know I'm doing the right thing. It is expensive and I'm so grateful that we can afford this. If money is a barrier, try to piece together hours from Dept on Aging, if a stroke is involved, try the DOR Brain Injury program, etc. Then pace an ad, or Craigslist and hire your own person. Then send that person to get the job. Grab hours any way you can because they do add up. I take the night shift. The key to home care is the right help for YOU, not your loved one.

In home is the only way for me. Doing it the past 7 years. It's now $300,000 later. My sister is angry that I've spent our inheritance but....
Mom is 92 and I'm hoping for another 7 years. I can't imagine her in a nursing home. It's hard BUT I've learned so much and have proved my love and gratefulness. This is worth it to me. I would hate having to go visit her and hate leaving her even more. If you can find two people that reach your standard to care, then it's a breeze. There are some resources for free hours and I use what I can BUT I never use the agencies person. I hire and send to the agency. People say I'll be blessed for keeping mom....I'm blessed right now. God helps me all the time! You will not be alone if you would only try.

I replied 2 years ago and since then our needs changed. My MIL passed away earlier this year and we have since put my FIL into a memory care facility. This is working out extremely well. He is flourishing; he looks forward to all the activities, the food is delicious, and the caregivers all seem to care. While at home, he also had excellent caregivers but they didn't have the time nor the inclination to stimulate him to the degree he is getting now. I'm not faulting them it's just the way the needs were being taken care of. Good luck.

I hired a wonderful nurse in Feasterville for my Mom. My Mom lived in Bristol and she has since passed.
Thanks, E.

moms1234, I am finishing up 8 years starting on 9 and its far from a breeze to me. your Mom must be somewhat independent. Mine cannot walk/talk/see and is incontinent. I cannot spend time with my grandchildren or even go out without a caregiver here. Ive been thru so many caregivers, no one wants hard work. I am near the end of my rope with feeding mom pureed foods the last few years here, I guess it all depends on your parents abilities

I used to work as a in home caregiver. It was a nightmare. Instead of me being the bad one, the relatives and the client were problems. If you do hire someone, please treat them very nicely. If it is a few hours a day, it will be cheaper than the NH. Finally I had just had it and quit. Abuse I don't need.

We did in-home care for 3 years then moved my mom and dad to nursing home. They needed more and more care. At first I went every day now I visit couple times week and bring mom to my house on Sundays for lunch and long afternoon visit. Dad passed away after 2 months there, he was so sick and I was thankful for the staff. Care is not "perfect" in nursing homes but then again care is not "prefect" at home either.

We had my mother-in-law in our home for most of her last year; she had lung cancer (probably due to being old-country and often cooking over wood fires). We had a housekeeper during the day that kept an eye on Grandma and got her lunch, etc; we found her through a neighbor whose house she had cleaned for some years, and she was a gem; Grandma loved her. My family took over when we were home from work; even the kids helped, and occasionally some of her other daughters or d-i-l's would come for a weekend. The aide was being paid from Medicaid through an agency with a medicaid contract; it was minimum, and we paid her some on our own as well. Fortunately, we were self-employed and could take time off for doctors, etc. There came a time when we felt she needed more than we could manage, and tried a facility-she could not get along there at all, and so another son whose wife was a stay-at-home mom took her in, with other family helping occasionally, and a hospice visiting nurse coming by a couple of times a week. As it turned out, I wound up being there the night she passed.
I do have elderly friends in care facilities; most of them like the place, the activities, etc. One friend has moved several times because of problems; once he was told by his doctor to get out of the place where he was because the food was so heavy to carbs that it was not at all suitable for him. One other possibility that often works out well is private board and care homes where they have 3-5 residents being taken care of by a family whose job it is; often retired people with medical backgrounds. My brother with Parkinson's lived with his son's family, who also had a caretaker they found through a local church and who loved old folks and was a gem. There are all kinds of possibilities; families vary and caretakers vary, and facilities vary; one size does not fit all.

This thread was started long ago, but the issue remains relevant. When my father died, I planned to stay with my mom for a couple nights, but soon discovered that she could not take care of herself. At first I thought it was grief, but then I realized my dad had been sheltering me and my 2 brothers from mom having more difficulty with everyday activities. He kind of took over her role when he retired, and she said it was easier to let him. In retrospect, I think he was taking care of her. When I asked my brothers for help, they declined. Her youngest and favorite, our 'little' brother told me that if she can't take care of herself, then she should be put in a place where they can take care of her. He said that he is not going to take care of her, and he does not expect me to take care of her either. When I suggested that we could work together, and he could give me support, he told me to hire a professional, don't bother him and don't call him or text him. So that was it for family. I soon lost my job for asking to take off 3 weeks to get my mother's situation straightened out. I tried to take care of her myself as long as I could, but my health was not great, and after a few months I couldn't go on. I felt desperate and alone. Then a friend stepped up and got me the name of a caregiver and the name of a new doctor and the pieces started falling into place. Now, almost 5 years later, and I have resolved mom's health and dental issues, finished with a hip surgery due to a reabsorbed femur head and a do-over of that surgeon's screw ups. And mom is happy. She has her little dog with her all the time. Then she asked for a black cat. I found 2 black kittens and she was overjoyed. She has the most fun with her pets. A couple days before her last birthday she asked for 'something alive' for her birthday, so I got her a beta fish. She loves sitting and watching his beautiful colors. The aquarium is very soothing. We went through over a dozen people before finding the right combination of people to help mom and fit in with all our personalities. Mom would never have had this quality of life in a skilled nursing setting, and she needs too much help for assisted living. Being a caregiver is the hardest job I have ever had, but it is also the most rewarding. Home care is the absolute top of the line care. If you can find a way to make home care work, then you will be creating the most joyful life imaginable for your loved one. In an institutional setting, the ratio of caregivers to patients is set by law, and no place goes beyond that. There is no substitute for one on one care. I have been able to ramp up after surgeries, then go down to once or twice a week when things are going well. It's a blessing.

What if you don't have the money to pay for in home nursing & mom doesn't either but your mom insists she wants to "live at home"??
It's a nightmare because the guilt one would have at having to put a parent into a nursing facility when they've begged not to go there is unbearable but there are no other options.
The stress is enough to cause a major heart attack!

Hangingon61,

I think seeing a counselor or a pastor would help you with this guilt.

Hangingon61, if an elder doesn't have the money means to pay for Assisted Living or for a skilled nursing home, then Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] will step in to help pay for nursing home care.

Don't think of it as guilt when you do finally get the parent to move into a nursing home.... think of it as that parent will now be getting a higher level of care that most grown children cannot handle unless they were a nurse or skilled professional caregiver.

Also note, if the parent is in their 80's or 90's and haven't toured today's nursing homes, they still vision nursing homes to be State mental hospitals, or asylums as they were called way back when.... you can't blame the parent for digging in their heels.

Be sure to check them out to make sure they've not been in any trouble with the law, like scamming elderly, stealing, etc. I don't want to scare you but you need to be prepared properly: my uncle had a gal that worked for he & his wife that stole $5,000 cash they had in the house & yes I know they shouldn't have had that in the house! She stole checks from my uncle & wrote checks on their account in the amount to exceed $3,000, then her husband got involved as a handyman, which there's nothing wrong with it as long as it is stuff that needs done, however this guy changed the locks on my uncles house & came in on him at night, he was going to rob him. What the guy didn't realize was my uncle was an old farmer & he had a 457 magnum loaded by his bedside & my uncle yelled that out & the guy fled. They got the locks changed back for my uncle & he ended up in a duplex with a caregiver living next to him & worked out great. He had another that stayed daytime with him too & had no problems with her either, so all of the caregivers aren't bad!

I had another neighbor that hired different ladies (different ones did different things) to come a few days a week for he & his wife, he was telling me one time that someone was stealing his wife's medication. So he was very wise, he took all their meds on the days these people were coming over & put them in a small safe. Just takes the temptation away! It would be aggravating, however they couldn't figure out which one it was! I suggested a hidden camera, but he just did it the way he wanted which worked for him.

Since 2015, I myself decided to help a lady with some things she needed help with. She was severely obese, had congestive heart failure, had a bad staph infection in her legs, she had sat for over 16 years doing nothing. So I helped get her legs healed, started her walking & she's lost a total of 94 lbs, I got her to eat healthier too. Her heart is much better, in fact she only has to go once a year for a checkup to heart specialist now! I go 3 days one week & 4 the next, just house cleaning, load her pills in her pill dispenser for her once a week, I do her dishes, clean her house every 2 weeks & keep everything clean & picked up in between. I clean her toilets each of the 3 days a week just to keep everything clean! I get paid $110 for every 5 days I go to her home, I usually stay 2 to 2 & 1/2 hours each of the times. I also help her with her showers, pick up the home, do dishes, clean toilets & wipe countertops, phone, door knobs & light switches & do a load of towels, etc. I probably do more than I need to, but I am the type of person that don't do anything halfway! I get paid extra when I wash, dry & style her hair once a week & I get paid extra for doing a thorough housecleaning every other week, I wash her sheets & put the bed back together on the house cleaning day. I live in a small town in central Illinois so prices will vary according to the area you live in, but this gives you an idea! Good luck, there's a ton of good people out there just be sure to research & get lots of references!

For those who are caregivers at home, for those who hire caregivers, if the person is a Vet or if the spouse who needs care is a vet, you can get financial assistance through the VA. It is called "aid and assistance" for the vet. For the spouse of the vet financial help is there. A plan must be in place first. The paperwork is plenty but worth the time and effort. Don't pass this up. Start the process. Here is the link. http://www.benefits.va.gov/pension/aid_attendance_housebound.asp

This financial help is available for home care as well as care in nursing homes or assisted living. There are several services that can help and advise how to complete the forms, I used Veterans Financial. There is no charge for this help and they were terrific.

We had three shifts of caregivers for my mother for nine years. She had mobility and vision issues but otherwise was "sharp as a tack" so she did most of the directing and supervising... she had to, as all of us (myself and my siblings) were 500+miles away. I came for weekends once and month and did shopping, social events, etc. We tried different agencies and were unhappy with all of them. They had "rules" about what they would or would not do, and that certainly didn't go over well with my mother! So we went the route of hiring caregivers ourselves. I received many a late night call about so and so not showing up, at which time I had to get out my lists and find someone to go over (this, from 500 miles away). So there are pros and cons, but for us it was mostly cons on the agencies (those caregivers just wanted to "sit"), and pros on the hiring ourselves. It was a crazy time trying to manage this process but we ended up with several people who could be trusted. Good luck!

that's all well and good, but how do you afford all these caregivers? we have no money to contribute to my mom's care, it all comes from her savings. she's in independent living right now and i don't know how we'll afford care if her savings runs out.

My 3 brothers and I are starting to use caregivers 9am -3pm daily, about $160 /day this week, parents are 84 years old. it is expensive, but thankfully they have some money. not sure what we would do if it ran out. i suppose you file with medicaid and admit her to a nursing home/of move in with one of you. we are moving both parents in with one brother who lives nearby, but I'm skeptical it will work out. Mom is diabetic and needs a lot of care. Just had a compression fracture in back. Both M&D have dementia too. It's been crazy and I feel it's just beginning. Having the money makes it manageable, at least for now.

I came across a mobile app called 'Gravity Care' Check their website gravitycare.io They are not agency or registry, but an app that connects Caregivers. This product is quite new, I liked their FB ad and I am sharing their FB ad link:

I made the mistake of placing my mom in a long term care ..I took her out ama and now she is back home in her own room own comfy bed and I have all her caregivers back ,,,it was a traumatic disaster for 6 weeks for her and I and I will not place her ever again and her care giver is wonderful...

I am planning on returning home and my son's grandmother only receives SSI, and she is allowed a live in, she's going to need one when I leave. She's on Section 8 program and you can't have a criminal background of drugs a fraud on government, abuse of any kind and other things. HUD rules. How can we find a live in who will not be getting paid for night duties, can receive SS themselves but is not allowed to work to be with her? I will ask her to check with church members and ask her family members to ask around, but this is a touchy situation because this person would have to live there. She will have a daytime Provider. I would appreciate your advice. Thank you.

So she's in Section 8 housing and there can be no fraud or government abuse? Then how can having a live-in there for night-time but not paid for night-time NOT be taxpayer fraud? Are you planning on taking all taxes out of that paycheck? If that person can receive SS themselves and not be allowed to work does indeed work (for money under the table, I presume), then how is that NOT fraud?

Am I missing something here?