Home Care or time for senior home?

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I am currently caregiver to my grandfather. We live together along with my two kids and my husband (who is currently gone for work). Recently my grandfather has become very weak, 2 falls that took me over an hour each to get him up, he is incontinent but will not let me help him clean up, he refuses to admit that he is unable to care for himself, has dementia, and fights me every step of the way. He physically cannot get around very well unless he has a walker and takes brakes every 10-20 feet. As of saturday, I took him to the ER where he ended up checking himself out Against Medical Advice. I just don't know when, how, or where to get help as he makes a good income, but pays a lot in housing costs. I also don't know if it is time to move him to a 24 hour residential facility, or if we can afford home care. I am so lost, frustrated, and feel like I am drowning.

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Ignorotic - Cool picture!

If you do choose to step back even for a day or two, it might force your grandfather to accept that he can't really do it on his own. You and your children live with him, right? Is there somewhere you can go for a long weekend? I told my father that I wouldn't move into his house, but he could move into mine. In his house, he would always be the boss. In my house, he would be a welcome, beloved guest, not the boss!

Is there another adult he might listen to? His lawyer or doctor or a friend? As a granddaughter, you are stereotyped as a little girl, sweet, but not competent.

From now on, when he falls, call the EMT's so you don't hurt yourself getting him up. If you need to keep living there for financial reasons, try to come up with a backup plan to get out if necessary. You're in a tough spot. Good luck.
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Great advice from the other posters; the answer is probably going to be getting someone else involved.

I was in a very similar situation with my aunt. We did end up getting a visiting nurse, CNA, and a Personal Care Provider other than me to come help. All of those people had seen the situation deteriorate and were able to help with making the decision that living at home was no longer an option.

There are 2 things I think are vital to keep in mind as a caregiver who is slowly reaching the "I'm going to lose my mind" phase.

1. If you are tired, exhausted, sick, depressed, etc...you are going to do a poor job as a caregiver. Even small breaks can help refresh you, and in a refreshed state you are better able to decide if caregiving is something you can or should still do for this person.

2. You may not be able to choose whether or not your relative stays at home or goes into a facility, but you CAN choose whether or not you continue to be involved, and to what extent you are involved. In the scary, suffocating situation that you are in, you still have the power to make the choice to step aside. If you don't want to step aside, learn to set real boundaries and STICK WITH THEM.

There is a wall that we all hit as caregivers, and it's different for each of us. You have to be honest about where you are mentally, and when you hit that wall you need to deal with it, not ignore it.
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There are private care givers that can also help. Look up the agencies. They are bonded and you can interview them.
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Sounds like he is fast becoming beyond what you can handle, especially with the falls and incontinence which he won't allow you to help with. You said he has good income but pays a lot in housing costs. Is he not living with you? Who has his Power of Attorney, if anyone? It will take that POA or a ruling of the courts to declare him incompetent in order to force him into either assisted living or Nursing Home care. With his income, could you hire in home healthcare, at least a few hours a day to assist him with cleanup?

A little more information such answers to the questions the poster above asked would help us better understand your situation.
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I'm sorry you're so frustrated and lost. It's totally understandable though. Caregiving is so hard and exhausting by itself. And it's hard for a parent/grandparent to let their "children" do some of "those" things. Especially when Dementia is involved. IMO, it sounds like it's time for your grandfather to move into assisted living where he can get 24 hour help, but unless you are his guardian - you can't force him to go. Does your grandfather have Dementia? If so, check into a facility designed just for that. By the way, where are his children? Why is a granddaughter having to care for him? I hope you are at least getting respite help from them if there are any. Regardless, you definitely need to bring in home care to help him (and you) and it sounds like he can afford to pay for it himself. So if he is living in YOUR home, politely tell him this is the way it is going to be. If you are living in HIS home, it may be a little harder. Good luck!!
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