Home alone.

Is she competent enough to give her the option of an in home caregiver or a week or so at a memory care facility called respit? Tell her you are going and she cannot be left alone.

I think listen to your gut on this.

Will Mom be SAFE alone?

Be able to judge the time you will be away/be back? Stay calm? Be able to phone you if worried? Or phone EMS if say, lightening struck your house & started a fire? OK the last one is unlikely, but this is where you run through liklihood of common risks vs severity of outcome. Simple things that you would notice & fix can go wrong: hit 2 hours on the microwave insead of 2 mins, leaving a tap running, turn the heating up to max.

I have my black hat of doom thinking on don't I? Fear, fire & flood. Falls as well.

Alternatively, what's the worst consequence of getting a sitter? Mom is reluctant? Gets sulky or a bit cross? The sitter just turns the TV on & Mom is bored?

Go with your gut.

She has dementia and shouldn’t be calling the shots.

Find her someone whose presence she’ll enjoy. A person with an outgoing personality would be able to draw out your mom by asking her about her life and experiences. Maybe take her to lunch. Hire this person with an eye toward employing them more often so that you can get out alone more often.

Your mom will inevitably need more care, and this is a chance to introduce it. She’s past the stage where you honor her wishes. Her wishes aren’t valid when safety is a concern, and she’s already crossed that river.

Welcome to Forum, Ginger.

You say you're not comfortable with mom using the stove.
I think there must be other things that are worrying you and make you believe it's dangerous for mom to be alone. If that's the case you cannot leave her alone, knowing she is in danger.
Only YOU can assess this. We would be guessing.

Given that it's up to your best judgement, and the call is yours, you are left with telling mom. That's the hard part. You now have to sit her down and tell her that while she lives with you, and given her mild dementia, there will be times when someone will be on premises when you cannot be. Let her know you will caution this person to "stay out of her hair" but that there is really no other option than that you know mom is safe unless it is to place her in care of others 24/7, which you don't want to do unless you are forced to.

Given those options I think that mom will likely know she has no choice. And so often in our lives, whether we are young or old, there is simply no other choice.

I wish you the best making this tough decision and leveling honestly with your mom. You cannot knowingly endanger her.

I would not leave her alone, the stress of the additional people may push her over the top.

Dementia=built in anxiety and can be triggered by having young children running around and having fun. Noise overload can cause confusion.

It is not her decision, it is yours, your house, your rules. It is not all about what she wants, your first responsibility is to your husband and your family, not her.

Enjoy your visit!

Dementia is not "age related" in that all elders will be diagnosed with it! Dementia is a series of symptoms that affect the executive brain function and progressively worsen with time. Your mother could be fine today and wandering off tomorrow. Deficits show up without notice and thats when a disaster can happen. #Truth.

Hire someone on moms dime to look after her while you're gone and don't allow her to run your household. Most elders with dementia insist there's nothing wrong with them in the first place.....the Memory Care Assisted Living facilities are FULL of residents who "don't belong there", including my late mother who insisted all the others were "stupid morons" except for her! Part of dementia for many is the inability to recognize it.

With dementia involved, educate yourself so you know what's coming down the road. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck to you.

Welcome, Ginger!

When I first started reading about the experiences of other people on this forum seven or so years ago when my father had a spinal cord injury and needed care, I was really struck by the advice someone gave about how caregiving is a two-way street. It has to work for BOTH the person receiving care AND the caregiver. There’s a balance there.

To be more blunt, you (and your husband and rest of your family) matter just as much as your mother.

How sad that you haven't seen your grandchildren in 3 years! Are you an only child? If not, why couldn't one of your siblings come during those years so that you could get a break?

Agree with Riverdale -- hire someone (with Mom's money) to stay with her. What she wants is not important, because don't you think she NEEDS to have someone with her?

Its not her decision to make. She can't be left alone for long periods. Dementia is unpredictable and you never know whats going on in their minds. I would not have even told her. I would have let the person show up and say they were a friend that was coming to sit with her while u were out. Maybe you can see if tge person you hire can come one day, while you are there, to get to know Mom and visa versa. Just tell Mom its a friend. Then when its time to use her, you tell Mom that your friend has come to visit while u go out.

I feel you should hire someone at least for a 4 hour period. Your mind will be more at ease. It is your home. You state what happens there. You have already sacrificed so much with not seeing family and grandchildren as they grow. You never get those years back.