Follow
Share

Hi all. We have been taking care of my spouse’s mom for over 5 years and I’ve hit my breaking point. Mom has dementia, veering into late stage, and I am struggling to keep doing this or remain in my marriage. I say this because the month we got married, she was diagnosed with it, and immediately moved in with us. We have tried in home care givers, which she did not accept and fired. We have tried rehab and a lateral transfer to memory care and they actually allowed her to decline and take a taxi ride home (we tried to refuse to take her back). We’ve had very little support from her extended family and have had to fight to even get neighbors or medical professionals to help us, minus the team that actually diagnosed her. She has many chronic health illnesses which seem to be overwhelmingly … present. I can’t manage heart, lung, and immobility on my own, and her son, my husband, is virtually zero help. We have kids, jobs, and on top of it, MIL is also very unpleasant to me on about a daily basis.
I’m flat out exhausted, I’m tired of excuses as to why we can’t get more help, and I’m simply tired of doing this for someone who never asked me if I even wanted or could help, and has fought me and been unpleasant since we met. My spouse has also told me if I don’t like the situation anymore I’m welcome to leave, which also sucks. What’s the right thing to even do here? She’s pretty reliant on me and I don’t want to just abandon, but I also cannot do this anymore.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I’m so sorry for how your husband has treated you. There’s simply no excuse. He’s clearly shown you where his priorities are, and unfortunately they aren’t on you. How rotten to be in such a dysfunctional marriage. As he has no interest in repairing your relationship, please seek, without his knowledge, a consultation with a good divorce attorney. Make plans to leave and build a new life minus all this stress and heartache, without apology. You never deserved this and most certainly are not selfish. I wish you healing and peace. Hoping to read here one day that you’ve left and have a new life filled with positivity and hope
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

If your husband really said that to you, what does that say about his love for you? It sounds to me like you are being kept as an indentured slave. You need to leave. Consult a good divorce attorney.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Falllover99 Nov 4, 2024
It’s how it feels too.
(0)
Report
Go get your ducks in a row then fly the coop. Your husband is counting on you to be too afraid to leave.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Divorce exists because of spouses like yours. Mull that over. Then get thee to a divorce lawyer for a free initial consultation. There is nothing left of your marriage. Your husband is a jerk. Your MIL doesn't like you and needs more help than you can give her.

Somewhere there's a nice house or apartment waiting for you, and when you're living there, peace and calm will return to your life. GO!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Fall over, quietly and on the down low find a divorce atty & asap. There is no “we” in your situation. It’s all “you”. And you are viewed as a worker, a caregiver, a door mat. There is no marriage as a partnership.

For all that is good & sacred, get the f*** out of this. And get that divorce atty to show you how to do this and make it as optimum for you and your kids as possible.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Falllover99 Nov 4, 2024
That’s how it feels too. All work, no marriage; and the second I dare speak up about it, it’s a problem and I’m being “selfish” (truly, she really needs more care than one person can provide).
(3)
Report
Its time to walk. Then your DH will have to figure out how to care for HIS mother. She could be placed in Longterm care. If she has money, she pays for it, if not Medicaid. I will bet if you leave that is exactly where your DH will place her. Consult with that lawyer. Hoping you had no children with husband. Will make it easier to pick up and walk out. You were on your own before DH, you can do it again.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It sounds as if you’re pretty good at buttoning your lip and carrying on so I doubt you will run screaming into the night even though you are at your breaking point. That’s good. It also sounds like you are the long-suffering type. That’s admirable in some cases but may make it harder to sit quietly and make a plan and then follow through.

When I was in a similar situation (kids, rotten husband, unsalvageable marriage) I made a lot of mistakes extricating myself and wasted a lot of time and money fixing those mistakes afterward. It felt liberating at the time to make the dramatic exit but it definitely wasn’t the best for myself or my kids.

Please make a plan, on paper, with firm deadlines. Keep it on the hush-hush. A concrete plan will help you calm down, think strategically and survive the next month or two until you can leave. First step: divorce lawyer. ASAP.
Re-read your post frequently and stay strong in your resolve. You WILL be happy again.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

See a divorce lawyer for a consultation before you do anything.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Your spouse has told you if you don't like it you should leave.
IMHO you have your walking orders.
I would be in an attorney's office this week; I can't imagine why you stayed 5 years.

You're an adult. Your husband has been honest, at least, that he couldn't care less about you and what you think or do. The choice is yours now.

You're very welcome here; come read the stories of others. But that won't change that you wasted one half a decade.
Many waste a whole life and they die broken or ill before their elder.

I usually go on about how you can "help him" and "remain his friend " as he assumes care. But this guy? Nah, he won't be assuming any care. MIL will be out of there on your heels to a nursing home, and he will marry someone else gullible enough to bite. He couldn't care less about you in my opinion. He's no loss whatsoever.

I wish you best, but it is entirely up to you. I am so thankful there are no children in this marriage.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
funkygrandma59 Nov 4, 2024
Alva, the OP did say in her post that "We have kids, jobs, and....", so I'm thinking that perhaps the children are from previous marriages, or at least that's what I'm hoping as that way she can take hers and get the heck out of Dodge.
(2)
Report
Wow! You say that your MIL moved in with you and your husband the month that you got married 5 years ago and that your husband, your MIL's son "is virtually zero help" in her care.
All I can say about your husband is.....Loser, with a capital L. How dare he do that to you and your children, when you were just newly wed, and now has the balls to tell you that if you don't like it you can leave.
So yes, I would leave for at least 2 weeks to start with the children that are yours, and let your husband fend for himself with his mother so he can truly understand what her care requires.
Perhaps after that he will wake up and realize that his mother belongs in a memory care facility or nursing facility and will beg you to come back.
And if he doesn't have that revelation, then perhaps it best that you speak to a divorce attorney and get on with living and enjoying your life away from a man who apparently has been putting his mother before you this whole time.
When a man(or any person) tells you who they really are in word and actions, it's always wise to listen and pay attention, as that is who they truly are.
Best wishes in doing what is best for you and your children in this very unhealthy situation.

And on a side note...how was your MIL able to fire in-home caregivers if she's living in your home, even if she's paying for them, as it's your home not hers?
She shouldn't have gotten a say. That was your first of many mistakes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Falllover99 Nov 4, 2024
I don’t even know honestly.
(0)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter