Any hints on setting boundaries with my older sister and 95 yr old mother?

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My sister thinks nothing of making decisions on how Mom will be taken care of and then assigning me my part or cost. She has chosen to take care of Mom, won't even think of NH care. Seems like everyone (her husband/daughter) is just suppose to fall in line and do what she decides. If I disagree, then its FOG--fear, obligation and guilt laid on real heavy.

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Not really JessieBelle. I cook dinner foods, it has to be plated, heated and served which may or may not be done by the caregiver who is there at dinnertime maybe 5 days a week. Also Mom "can't" have the same thing 2 days in a row and sometimes doesn't want the leftovers at all that week. Doesn't want the frozen leftovers much either. So Sis supplements with her own dinner fixins. Has to have fresh veg.
Breakfast (11 am) is a combo of Mom toasting her bread, fixing her coffee and maybe Sis suggesting some type of fruit. No lunch.
Don't handle day to day personal care which takes up time.
Mom can't be left alone for any length of time so Sis can't do much spontaneously.
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You sound like you do a lot, cheryl. In fact, you do almost as much as I do for my mother and I live with her.
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Thanks Ladies. What I do best is dinner planning, grocery shopping, making meals and desserts, ordering and distributing meds, writing out checks for bills.
But I have been driving (30 min each way) out twice a week for over 10 yrs It seems endless. I know it isn't what my sister does, but I would never do that kind of caregiving with Mother.
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Jeanne, you and I sound alike. We were typing at the same time. It must be good advise. ;)
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cheryl, you can decide what you are able to do, then stick with it. We all have different things we can do to contribute to the care of our parents. You can tell your sister what you will do, then stick to it. She can't make decisions for you. If you approach her with what you will do, it will be a positive approach. It is better than the negative way of having to say no to the things she decided you should do.
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It sounds like you have a good perspective of what is going on. Decide what your contribution will be, if anything, offer that, and stick to it. "I can't do the entire weekend, but I will gladly stay with Mom on Sunday." "That is not an item I agree that Mom needs, so I won't be contributing to the cost." Repeat as necessary. You really do not have to accept FOG from your sister. She may have appointed herself to be in charge of your mother, but she isn't in charge of you.

Having said that, and I do believe it, I'd also encourage you to do what you can to contribute to your mother's well-being and comfort. Just because your sister is going about this all wrong is no reason to hold that against your mother.

Many caregivers on this site post their dissatisfaction with how little help they get from their siblings. I feel strongly that each family member gets to make their own decisions about how much and how they will participate in the care of parents. But to not do your best for Mom because Sis is a tyrant isn't a good practice, either.

Make up your own mind for your own reasons. Don't refuse to do something just because it was Sis's idea, please, but don't let her guilt you into doing what you have chosen not to.
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