I am searching for some relief from the pain that I am feeling while caring for my emotionally neglectful elderly parents. I have lived with the neglect of two very dysfunctional parents. I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) and yes, there is such a thing. It is biological! And to top it off, I have been emotionally neglected for my whole 57 years. Somehow, I am a really nice person who cares an awful lot about doing the right thing for people and I find myself living along with my husband, with my mom and dad.
The past year and a half have been a living hell and I am trying to climb out of the hole that I got us in to. I am getting therapy and am searching for those words of wisdom that will resonate with the pain and the pity that I feel at the same time for these two people who I have remained diligent to, yet deserve nothing from me. I went into this situation thinking that I would help make their last few years peaceful, but they started the abuse right up again. Stupidly, I never saw it coming. I have learned so much since then. But now I am desperately struggling with awful resentment that leaves me unable to look them in the eye. I feel such deep pity for their sorry lives and I do what I have to, but feel blank.
I am a very loving person in the rest of my life and have raised a wonderful family, so this is such a horrible burden. Any help? Any insight? Thanks so much.
It may be a general consensus here on the forum that a person who was abused should not be their abuser's caregiver. I agree.
You said you are new here.
Q."Can you explain what you mean by joining the longer term posters?"
A. You are a newbie, others have been on the forum for years. I wanted you to feel welcome.
1)Boundaries by Townsend.
2) Online videos about narcissism
3) The entire AgingCare website, including articles about narcissism.
Please join all the longer term posters on the thread:
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You say you're "trying to climb out of the hole I got us into". What do you mean by that?
I truly hope that you're not somehow blaming yourself for how your parents are because you didn't make them how they are and it isn't your fault.
If you truly believe that you owe them nothing then you don't. There should not be one moment of guilt over it for you either.
Your parents are emotional vampires. They feed on your need to please them and your want for their love and approval. Everyone wants their parents approval and recognition. In loving and functional family units this is a given. In dysfunctional ones with emotional vampires this isn't possible. Instead of giving the love, approval, and recognition parents normally give their kids, emotional vampires hold these things hostage and use them as leverage to get what they want or need and will keep the situation exactly as it is.
Let me ask you a question.
Say you and your husband went out to dinner or something and had a very nice time out somewhere. Then you come home and you're in a happy and good mood.
Will your parents suck that joy right out of you in a minute?
I'm guessing they will because that's what emotional vampires do.
Put them in a home. Stop trying to please and make them happy because nothing you do will ever be enough. Put them in a home.
I gave this to elderly adults who were questioning end of life; then they gave it to friends.
Jodi Piccoult writes compelling fiction with different points of views and unexpected twists.
My Sisters Keeper got me hooked. Plain Truth had a totally unexpected ending that made perfect sense. But you have to be able stories that are haunting. In the conversation at the end of My Sisters Keeper, Piccoult says her son didn’t talk to her for 2 weeks when he read the ending.
Young Adult has some thought provoking topics that can be a quick read - or not if you’re reading Harry Potter. Publishers point out YA is a category with a lot of genres so you’ll have to decide dystopia, romance, thriller.
The protagonists are 12-18 year olds and the reader is typically a few years younger so some books are too sophomoric (literally) in tone and topics but a lot aren’t.
The Fault in Our Stars by John Green is a classic but I preferred The Giver by Lois Lowdry (unusual concept and moral conundrum).
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
I read The Luxe by Anna Godbersen about five coming of age Manhattan debutantes in 1899 rewriting the rules. Life isn’t so grand beneath the grandeur stories.
New Adult (NA) has protagonists in their 20s. Bridgerton, The Queens Gambit, Anne with an E, Ophelia … seems like half of Netflix is YA to NA.
Do you know about Bookbub.com. Sign up, pick genres, they’ll send emails with flash sale ebooks marked down cheap to free. I downloaded a sample, got busy and missed the deal. Lesson learned: don’t wait.
I hope you find books that make you happy. The wife of a psychiatrist called reading bathtub books “cheap psychotherapy.”
You are not alone, statistically over 50% of caregivers are family members that are not paid and are not treated very well by their aging parents. I think that it would do you a world of good to be able to hear the stories of others, to relate to what they are saying, and to choose whether or not you want to share what you are going through.
You cannot change who your mother is but you can control how she affects you. Tend to your own needs by practicing self-care and tend to the needs of your family.
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