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What do I do? My father has just me and my daughter who has autism and mental health difficulties. I'm a care worker and he is so demanding he emotionally blackmails me by staying in bed. He has had double pneumonia 5 times in 18 months through bad discharge.. however he has had a really great recovery last time and when I asked him to mobilize he give us abuse. He phones and lies about the care home to make me go there he has no dementia and is a real attention seeker he does and says awful things. My life the past 18 months has fell apart I'm so depressed I feel like running away but have no money because of the time I've had away from work ...I've lost my relationship and can't even take a break on holiday as he makes himself I'll and I have to come back ...what do I do please help I've cancelled Christmas as he's gone back in and I'm sick of arguing with Drs at not a great hospital. We live in England.

Maxine, you can't change HIS behaviour.

You can only change your reaction to it. Stop responding. Stop showing up.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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So he is doing a hunger strike. That is what the nurse is there for. Let him throw his tantrum but don't you react. That is what he is waiting for. If he wants to damage his health to prove a point that is totally his right to do. You can't save him from himself. You can only save yourself.
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Look, he's mentally ill. This can't be pleasant for him, can it?

Call his bluff. You are reinforcing his bad behavior, thus GUARANTEEING that he will continue it.
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Maxine123 Dec 26, 2018
Hes not mentally ill ..... I have done that I'm not stressed I'm distressed
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Said this many times before, but you can only be used and abused if you let yourself be. If you hurry up and ask “how high?” when your father says “Jump!”then he’s going to keep doing it and just sit back and enjoy the show you’re putting on.

Dad is in a place where people understand the behaviors and eccentricities of old age. They are caring for him. You are his daughter but not his hands-on, 24/7 caregiver any longer. When his number comes up on the ID, don’t answer unless you choose to. If there is an emergency, the facility will call you, not him.

Conduct yourself in a way that disproves the lies and complains of your father’s words. Be a loving daughter, but not overeager to do all his bidding. Once he realizes he cannot use you for his own entertainment, I’ll bet he will back off.
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Maxine123 Dec 26, 2018
Iv tried this but he does things like won't eat he makes his blood sugar drop he's diabetic...he has had 2 previous asperations and we nearly lost him ...he puts us over a barrel . I have told him many times I disapprove about the way he is and treats us . As IV said cut the visits and he does hunger strike he thinks it's okay for him to do this. Christmas Eve I told him he can't keep making himself I'll and I won't tolerate his behaviour no more you could see he wasn't happy with me .. he decided to pull the hunger strike till I got there yesterday and the head nurse had to monitor him very closely. Which then takes her away from more needy patient's ... I feel he just wants attention whether negative or positive. So naughty he knows he had neuropathy and won't even feel a drop of blood sugars this could kill him .
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I know I should do this job but the guilt eats me
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MountainMoose Dec 25, 2018
Maxine, if you have to, find a counselor to help you jettison the guilt. You need help in helping yourself. Your daughter and you come before your dad who is cared for and has his mental faculties. Set a limit for the number of times he can call you, and in between block the calls if you must. If an emergency happens, the home will contact you. As others on this thread have stated, set your boundaries. You just don't have a choice in this.
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Boundries. You have enough on your plate with working and caring for ur daughter. Your father is safe and cared for. He is capable of caring for himself and making decisions concerning his health. Let him deal with the doctors. You and your daughter deserve a Christmas. He can't controll you unless you let him. Call his bluff. He is bringing all this on himself.
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