My mother who is 85 years old and also she leads a sheltered life Never wants to go out. SHe is a depressed woman always been etc.. I am the youngest of 5 kids so I basically took care of her more. She got covid over 2 weeks ago and it slammed her hard such as not wanting to eat fragile and weak even though she has underlying issues to begin with. My mom was always a negative person not much happiness BUT she is my mother and i love her very much and i feel i owe her everything because she is my mother. So the question is We had to put her in a nursing home (temporarily) rehab to get her strength back and get her all buffed up again because we as her children cannot take care of her in that way. she was refusing to eat she was depressed even more at home. SO last night i called her at rehab asking how she is doing? She started to cry telling me they are mean to her and she hates it there and she is better in hospital (Even though they discharged her they took all kinds of tests and everything looked ok so they could not keep her) I lost it i started to cry felt so quilty when i hung up i feel that i shouldnt leave her there and that i feel like i am neglecting her and guilty of doing this we told her she is not there forever we just need to get her back to strong that she was and have some strenght i feel so bad!!!!! BUT my Boyfriend and sister and brother told me to not listen to her because she is just not wanting to get better and that because she led a sheltered isolated life and not wanting to see any people and be alone she is not used to this. Help !!!! I need some advice here AM I being tooo much!! I FEEL LIKE I owe her as a child to help her more what can i do??? ANYONE go through this guilt?????
THank you
Of course listen to her. Tell her you are sorry for how she feels. And tell her that all she endures is worth grieving over. But that there is little you can do to change any of this.
Not everything can be fixed. Not unless we are grandiose enough to think that all things are in our own control. Unfortunately they are not. There are some things without an answer. That is sad, and worthy of our GRIEF, but not our guilt.
I do think you should be honest. Giving false hope of being able to get stronger and leave is something that gives your mother false hope and is keeping her from adapting and adjusting. Again, life is full of sadness and grief. That is the progression for us as we age; at 80 I can tell you it is all about loss at some point. Sad, but true. And there is no one out there with a magic want to make it all better. Let yourself grieve. Is this not worth grieving? Let your Mom grieve. She has that right, and the right to your honesty about your own HUMAN limitations.
Most unfortunately for anyone presently in your situation (I am too), COVID has cost ALL of us the time and social mobility and easy communication for making decisions for our frail elderly.
And also, and just as important to consider, there are very few decisions when dealing with frail elderly loved ones that can be considered “good” decisions. So then we come back to providing safety and absence from physical pain, and according to your boyfriend and brother and sister, and also according to your own words, you’ve done the best you could do.
She MAY improve enough in rehab to resume the life she had “before the virus”, but FOR HER, you also have to consider the possibility that between her age and the seriousness of her infection, she MAY NOT.
Those of us who care for a loved one have to be both careful to expect a reasonably good outcome after COVID, but also to be ready to find that there have been losses in the abilities our loved ones had before the virus. My own dear one, at 93, suffered an infection in March 2020, and although she was walking with a walker before she was ill, she has never walked again.
For now, try to take one day at a time, and don’t take ANY care options off the table. She may cry, she may complain, but if you and your family are focused on providing her with a safe and comfortable and peaceful life for her after COVID, what she says she “wants” may not be what she “needs”.
And your “guilt”, while understandable, can’t change the reality of her situation. So treat YOURSELF well, don’t think ahead to far, and listen to the wisdom of your family.
Hugs.