After my mother passed, my brother refused to help out with looking after our father leaving all of the caregiving duties to me. As a result our father reflected on everything he has done for my brother over the years and decided to change his will reducing my brother's share and giving me more. My brother is now contesting the trust and claiming our father suffered from lack of capacity and was the subject of undue influence.
Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?
Thanks,
P
But I think the main thing is, I could have been my mother if I didn't have my father's temper - in my case the desperation for approval cuts off once the sense of fair play (or sense of humour) kicks in; in hers it rules her entire life. But, so, I can see that my mother irritates my sister in exactly the same way that I do, except that my sister feels even less inhibited when it comes to ordering my mother around. No, I won't be leaving them alone together for long, though I do try to give them some privacy. It's taking me every waking moment to try to help my mother heal, I'm not letting a few unthinking critical remarks - well-meant, of course - undo months of hard, delicate work.
jinx -good saying from your dad
Kazzaa - glad you are standing on your hind legs and have taken your power back - Illegitimi non carborundum (don't let the b*st*rds grind you down)
Do you know, she only bloody checked up when she got home, didn't she! And was gracious enough - not to admit that she was wrong (let's not be silly) - to email me and let me know that I could buy poppy seed stollen at the East German supermarket chain she'd been recommending earlier on. Very good for people on a tight budget, apparently.
I think that's her version of being nice. She'll be back in a fortnight or so. I'm not sure if that was a threat or a promise...
Deep breath!!! Back I go… (Yes I know, why on earth am I bothering? Because I like eating it anyway. She can please herself.)
Hey just had a great idea? why not do a sitcom not of als patients but sibling crap around als NOW THAT WOULD BE FUNNY!!
What hurts the most is mum wonders why im nasty to her she says youre just jealous because she has a job??????????? Yep and i sit on the sofa all day everyday doing nothing and watch "dog bounty hunter". When I had a row with my sister last year she said what do you want me to do I dont live there? I asked her to pick up the phone and make calls she said "well I work you have time on your hands??" Yeh you gotta back away ive given up as my anger just makes me ill. when mum goes I will vent and let it all out then dont want her in my life again. My friends mum was very ill recently I was jealous of how the 2 sisters just got on with it and put mums care above all else and worked together isnt that the way is should be?
My sister has been seeing a shrink for 10years?? you would think shed have told him about mum and being a pro hed tell her how hard this would be on a carer but obviously not? Still hes getting $150 an hour to listen to her crap why jeopardise that nice little income?
Oh and just so you know she had my poor mum frustrated and searching all over for her TOP that needs washing?
Ive tried the leaving a list TRICK? she tells mum and then mum starts a fight with me "you leave her alone she works hard?" yes she is 45 yrs old and even though mum has dementia she plays all the childish cards of a six yr old knowing that mum will tell her to ignore me as im "NUTS" oh and jealous because shes working and im not?
Heres to a great weekend!!! LOL
Would you prefer to trick her into helping, or continue to be angry and help-less because she should know better? The choice is yours. I often choose to stay angry, but not always.
I'm talking through my hat because my family is pretty good to me. If I were in your shoes, I would be sitting on the kerb weeping and tearing my hair.
Mine arrives at 11:00. If I'm in an incredibly good mood I will make a stollen in the morning to get her in the right spirit for starting on my mother's Christmas cards - this is my ploy to make her do something normal and fun with my poor mum so she (mum) doesn't end the visit with a migraine. Mind you, it depends what kind of night's ahead. If it's getting up three times +, I'm not apologising to anyone if the cupboard is bare and they can make their own coffee...
She arrives at midnight on friday then she will get up wash and have SOME friend to meet for coffee then show her face with mum then maybe out to dinner then maybe spend time with mum at some stage on sunday then fly back monday she will maybe wash a few dishes but ignore the bathrooms etc.. and shes decided to come home at least every six weeks TO HELP OUT?? Please god send me the money to get my own place and soon!
??????????????????????
Am I reading that right?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where does she get the NERVE?
Mine's coming tomorrow (my mother says: "oh that's nice." Mm-hm). Hope she's bringing her own lunch…(she won't): I'll be busy itemising receipts in triplicate.
"tis the season to be jolly" MY ASS.
Aaarggggghhh. If my mother's lawyer had tried to come up with a POA solution that would cause maximum stress to everybody involved I don't think she could have done a better job of it.
But if I hear my sister say "waste of limited medical resources" once more in the context of a conversation about care for the elderly I will bash her brains out with her own Vuitton handbag. What jury would convict me?
Interestingly, I live here rent free, have done since the caring business killed off my freelance business and my mother and my partner undertook my share of the bills. I may not sleep that well tonight...
So ask Dad for a wage for caregiving, and report it and pay Social Security tax to make sure your retirement won't be too difficult. You can tell your brother that he, too, can earn money this way if he wants to take over during your vacation!
How about asking for a quarterly budget to cover replacing clothing as needed? If you were given a few hundred pounds a year and the discretion to spend that much and no more, that might feel fairer to both of you. Ask the sib how much s/he spends on clothes a year.
Of course Mom doesn't need to spend a thousand a year, but her nightclothes are getting thin and shabby. How about 1/4 as much as your sib's own clothing budget? That way, you would feel that you are being given authority and power to do what's needed. You shouldn't have to beg and negotiate over new warm socks!
OMG!
That's not the way it went in Grandmother's family. The brother who had lived with his parents for 20+ years was considered to have earned the right to the entire (modest) inheritance. He had not even had a long period of nursing to go through. Just his presence shovelling snow and buying groceries and providing a safety net was valued.
I think many families operate that way. We just don't hear about them that much because the people who show up here are largely the ones with the least support.
Just because they do not know
what they ate for breakfast or
just walked in from day care
doesn't mean that they do not know, if they want to be in a nursing home or not!
Advice is that the Public Guardian/Court of Protection has too many cases of serious evil on its hands to worry about one little old lady who's being taken good care of having her living expenses trimmed by responsible, forward-thinking financial POAs - no, not even if their forward thinking concentrates on the welfare of the money rather than the welfare of their mother. The authorities have real fraud, embezzlement and goodness knows what else to worry about, not to mention actual abuse. Put it all down in writing, says Mr Lawyer, then if the POAs decline to shell out their mother's own money on their mother's own benefit, they will have to give good reasons in proper form. Ah, he makes it sound so easy!
I'm just so tired of this. I want to get my mother some lined woollen trousers, nice ones. And what's wrong with her old ones? 1. They're old. 2. They're covered in pulled threads from her cat's claws, and they weren't all that to start with. 3. She used to buy trousers from horrible catalogues stuffed with 2 for 1 offers, as little old ladies are wont to do, even though she could easily afford much better, warmer clothes. (4. Just get out of the goddamned way and let me get on with looking after my mother, will you, you miserable cheese-paring old cow? - only you don't say that one, of course)
There's a pause for thought. Then the answer: well, it's not really worth it, is it? The old ones will last.
I can't face having to go through all this every time my mother needs a pair of knickers. I can't bear it. Anyone got any ideas?
Sorry, way off topic. I'll try to form this into a question when I can bear thinking about it any more. Apologies.
At least with getting paid, the parent still qualifies, for medicaid
(for medicare, medicaid 5 yr.look back for "care giving" expense qualifies,
"gifting" has to be paid back, by whoever receives it, and it time disqualifies them from entering a long term care facility, when you might really need it...)
either way the care giver should get paid.
I, myself am tired of the double standard, that is given to caregivers
caring for Elders, in their own home is every bit a job, as a CNA, which these days, do everything, from taking out the garbage (not much medical there) to checking b/p's
in a long term care facility , which any person caring in the home can do, but some how in-home-care provided by a friend or family member is seen as somebody trying to live off the person/parent?
Q:Why?
A: Because in some distant past their was somebody, taking the SS check to buy beer and not taking care of the parent or taking advantage of the parent and now that stereotype is, what runs through peoples heads, when you talk about being compensated for your time.
Even if you were at home and not working, when you are taking care of someone and no longer have your privacy, you are working...
The STATE saves money by having family members or friends provide in home care
for the elder and it should be paid for just like it was outside the home.
Even long-term-care in the home qualifies a person to get paid under"Cash and Counseling" in Illinois, other states in the U.S. have other programs that pay you up front and when it comes to sale of the house, if you have been caregiving for two years or longer, there is another provision/stipulation regarding are not suppose to sell the house as long as she is living, which is what makes this situation so tragic, that our 86 year old who had long term *unpaid) caregivers and was living in her own home being adequately cared for, was forced to sell her home, in court by the GAL when she should have been allowed to stay, no matter what the dysf.sib's wanted. Their lawyer insisted in the GAL and now she has a guardian and a bank, those people all get paid and we the caregivers of the person get zip 0.
Q: Why?
A: Because the system is corrupt.
I am trying to get a Senior Law passed like the "Amber Alert"
for caregivers to use to be compensated for all they do...why shouldn't they be?
if everyone else CAN GET PAID.
Court is December 2, will keep you all informed.
Personally in a case of two sisters,
one sister who did the careggiving was awarded half of the inheritance,
noting different here folks but was ALSO AWARDED a half of the rest of the estate.
So one sister who did the caregiving, received 75%
and the other sister who did nothing received 25%
In my case, I am not a family member but an upstairs tenant,
when I paid for the 86 year old's medicine, I expected to be reimbursed.
Why wasn't I?
They (dysf.sibs) said, they never asked me (neglect?).