Children who don't help. How do you handle it?

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After my mother passed, my brother refused to help out with looking after our father leaving all of the caregiving duties to me. As a result our father reflected on everything he has done for my brother over the years and decided to change his will reducing my brother's share and giving me more. My brother is now contesting the trust and claiming our father suffered from lack of capacity and was the subject of undue influence.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Thanks,

P

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I understand - you cannot leave your sis with that responsibility for other than a few moments.
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Emjo, I did make one breakthrough: bursting for the loo while my mother was already in the other bathroom, so handed sister the CareAssist alarm and asked her to keep watch. The girl done good, no bones broken, just a slightly anxious expression on mother's face as they made their way back to the living room so I said thank you and took over. I don't blame sister for not doing the hands-on bit, it's not what she's good at. It's also partly why I wouldn't leave mother alone with her, not fair to either of them.

But I think the main thing is, I could have been my mother if I didn't have my father's temper - in my case the desperation for approval cuts off once the sense of fair play (or sense of humour) kicks in; in hers it rules her entire life. But, so, I can see that my mother irritates my sister in exactly the same way that I do, except that my sister feels even less inhibited when it comes to ordering my mother around. No, I won't be leaving them alone together for long, though I do try to give them some privacy. It's taking me every waking moment to try to help my mother heal, I'm not letting a few unthinking critical remarks - well-meant, of course - undo months of hard, delicate work.
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cm is there any way you can be out of the house at least most of the time, when she comes? As if it wasn't hard enough caring for an oldster with serious problems, without adding a dysfunctional sib into the mix.
jinx -good saying from your dad
Kazzaa - glad you are standing on your hind legs and have taken your power back - Illegitimi non carborundum (don't let the b*st*rds grind you down)
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It's a threat!
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Thanks Jinx! - I'll stick to thinking it, for the sake of world peace, but it'll still make me smile.

Do you know, she only bloody checked up when she got home, didn't she! And was gracious enough - not to admit that she was wrong (let's not be silly) - to email me and let me know that I could buy poppy seed stollen at the East German supermarket chain she'd been recommending earlier on. Very good for people on a tight budget, apparently.

I think that's her version of being nice. She'll be back in a fortnight or so. I'm not sure if that was a threat or a promise...
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Countrymouse - At a time like that, my beloved departed but never saintly father would say, "You're entitled to your opinion, however ignorant and benighted it may be." I use it all the time, usually with a laugh. It makes me feel so much better.
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Kazzaa if it weren't for being able to tell you about it I'd be crying not laughing, but you know what? - She's been here 15 minutes and already she's flatly contradicted me. She says I'm not making stollen because it hasn't got marzipan in it. I must be making challah instead, she says. Excuse me?! a) You obviously know nothing about either of these foodstuffs. b) Challah, which you just mispronounced, is nothing like stollen, which you also mispronounced. c) This stollen has poppy seed filling in it because I know you don't like marzipan.

Deep breath!!! Back I go… (Yes I know, why on earth am I bothering? Because I like eating it anyway. She can please herself.)
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Oh sorry CM have a good day and I know what I would be putting in the "stollen" like you bake for her?? yeh been there good old kaz will make a great curry well as we say here "the worm has turned" im doing ZIPPIDY ZIP!! Yep taking back my power!
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PS I will let you all know if my sister gets to wear the "TOP" in the end im sure youre all dying to know!!!!
Hey just had a great idea? why not do a sitcom not of als patients but sibling crap around als NOW THAT WOULD BE FUNNY!!
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jinx I dont have to tear my hair out it just falls out!!!!!!!! No i have decided to do nothing except check in on my cat I will stay with friends at night and be away during the day crazy isnt it I could stay away but cant trust her to look after my cat? (what a life) hes my baby and I worry about him BUT get this my mum takes better care of him than my sister yes and shes got dementia? the last time she was home she moaned about how she had to get up to let the cat out so I yelled at her and said well poor you im woken up EVERY NIGHT by OUR MOTHER so suck it up! the very fact that she moaned just raises my heart rate with anger. My friend says "dont ever put me in the same room as her" she is on another planet and thinks shes great to come home and help? Last year I told her to take mum for a week as i was drained(she lives in paris) the cunning fox had mum over when my aunt was there so she yet again didnt have to look after her? but hey she had her for a week?
What hurts the most is mum wonders why im nasty to her she says youre just jealous because she has a job??????????? Yep and i sit on the sofa all day everyday doing nothing and watch "dog bounty hunter". When I had a row with my sister last year she said what do you want me to do I dont live there? I asked her to pick up the phone and make calls she said "well I work you have time on your hands??" Yeh you gotta back away ive given up as my anger just makes me ill. when mum goes I will vent and let it all out then dont want her in my life again. My friends mum was very ill recently I was jealous of how the 2 sisters just got on with it and put mums care above all else and worked together isnt that the way is should be?
My sister has been seeing a shrink for 10years?? you would think shed have told him about mum and being a pro hed tell her how hard this would be on a carer but obviously not? Still hes getting $150 an hour to listen to her crap why jeopardise that nice little income?
Oh and just so you know she had my poor mum frustrated and searching all over for her TOP that needs washing?
Ive tried the leaving a list TRICK? she tells mum and then mum starts a fight with me "you leave her alone she works hard?" yes she is 45 yrs old and even though mum has dementia she plays all the childish cards of a six yr old knowing that mum will tell her to ignore me as im "NUTS" oh and jealous because shes working and im not?
Heres to a great weekend!!! LOL
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