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After my mother passed, my brother refused to help out with looking after our father leaving all of the caregiving duties to me. As a result our father reflected on everything he has done for my brother over the years and decided to change his will reducing my brother's share and giving me more. My brother is now contesting the trust and claiming our father suffered from lack of capacity and was the subject of undue influence.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Thanks,

P

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I understand - you cannot leave your sis with that responsibility for other than a few moments.
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Emjo, I did make one breakthrough: bursting for the loo while my mother was already in the other bathroom, so handed sister the CareAssist alarm and asked her to keep watch. The girl done good, no bones broken, just a slightly anxious expression on mother's face as they made their way back to the living room so I said thank you and took over. I don't blame sister for not doing the hands-on bit, it's not what she's good at. It's also partly why I wouldn't leave mother alone with her, not fair to either of them.

But I think the main thing is, I could have been my mother if I didn't have my father's temper - in my case the desperation for approval cuts off once the sense of fair play (or sense of humour) kicks in; in hers it rules her entire life. But, so, I can see that my mother irritates my sister in exactly the same way that I do, except that my sister feels even less inhibited when it comes to ordering my mother around. No, I won't be leaving them alone together for long, though I do try to give them some privacy. It's taking me every waking moment to try to help my mother heal, I'm not letting a few unthinking critical remarks - well-meant, of course - undo months of hard, delicate work.
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cm is there any way you can be out of the house at least most of the time, when she comes? As if it wasn't hard enough caring for an oldster with serious problems, without adding a dysfunctional sib into the mix.
jinx -good saying from your dad
Kazzaa - glad you are standing on your hind legs and have taken your power back - Illegitimi non carborundum (don't let the b*st*rds grind you down)
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It's a threat!
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Thanks Jinx! - I'll stick to thinking it, for the sake of world peace, but it'll still make me smile.

Do you know, she only bloody checked up when she got home, didn't she! And was gracious enough - not to admit that she was wrong (let's not be silly) - to email me and let me know that I could buy poppy seed stollen at the East German supermarket chain she'd been recommending earlier on. Very good for people on a tight budget, apparently.

I think that's her version of being nice. She'll be back in a fortnight or so. I'm not sure if that was a threat or a promise...
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Countrymouse - At a time like that, my beloved departed but never saintly father would say, "You're entitled to your opinion, however ignorant and benighted it may be." I use it all the time, usually with a laugh. It makes me feel so much better.
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Kazzaa if it weren't for being able to tell you about it I'd be crying not laughing, but you know what? - She's been here 15 minutes and already she's flatly contradicted me. She says I'm not making stollen because it hasn't got marzipan in it. I must be making challah instead, she says. Excuse me?! a) You obviously know nothing about either of these foodstuffs. b) Challah, which you just mispronounced, is nothing like stollen, which you also mispronounced. c) This stollen has poppy seed filling in it because I know you don't like marzipan.

Deep breath!!! Back I go… (Yes I know, why on earth am I bothering? Because I like eating it anyway. She can please herself.)
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Oh sorry CM have a good day and I know what I would be putting in the "stollen" like you bake for her?? yeh been there good old kaz will make a great curry well as we say here "the worm has turned" im doing ZIPPIDY ZIP!! Yep taking back my power!
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PS I will let you all know if my sister gets to wear the "TOP" in the end im sure youre all dying to know!!!!
Hey just had a great idea? why not do a sitcom not of als patients but sibling crap around als NOW THAT WOULD BE FUNNY!!
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jinx I dont have to tear my hair out it just falls out!!!!!!!! No i have decided to do nothing except check in on my cat I will stay with friends at night and be away during the day crazy isnt it I could stay away but cant trust her to look after my cat? (what a life) hes my baby and I worry about him BUT get this my mum takes better care of him than my sister yes and shes got dementia? the last time she was home she moaned about how she had to get up to let the cat out so I yelled at her and said well poor you im woken up EVERY NIGHT by OUR MOTHER so suck it up! the very fact that she moaned just raises my heart rate with anger. My friend says "dont ever put me in the same room as her" she is on another planet and thinks shes great to come home and help? Last year I told her to take mum for a week as i was drained(she lives in paris) the cunning fox had mum over when my aunt was there so she yet again didnt have to look after her? but hey she had her for a week?
What hurts the most is mum wonders why im nasty to her she says youre just jealous because she has a job??????????? Yep and i sit on the sofa all day everyday doing nothing and watch "dog bounty hunter". When I had a row with my sister last year she said what do you want me to do I dont live there? I asked her to pick up the phone and make calls she said "well I work you have time on your hands??" Yeh you gotta back away ive given up as my anger just makes me ill. when mum goes I will vent and let it all out then dont want her in my life again. My friends mum was very ill recently I was jealous of how the 2 sisters just got on with it and put mums care above all else and worked together isnt that the way is should be?
My sister has been seeing a shrink for 10years?? you would think shed have told him about mum and being a pro hed tell her how hard this would be on a carer but obviously not? Still hes getting $150 an hour to listen to her crap why jeopardise that nice little income?
Oh and just so you know she had my poor mum frustrated and searching all over for her TOP that needs washing?
Ive tried the leaving a list TRICK? she tells mum and then mum starts a fight with me "you leave her alone she works hard?" yes she is 45 yrs old and even though mum has dementia she plays all the childish cards of a six yr old knowing that mum will tell her to ignore me as im "NUTS" oh and jealous because shes working and im not?
Heres to a great weekend!!! LOL
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Kazzaa, Trick her into helping. When she shows up, tell her how glad you are that she has come to help. Do have a list of chores to give her. Make it long enough so that she can choose things she's willing to do. Praise her for what she does.

Would you prefer to trick her into helping, or continue to be angry and help-less because she should know better? The choice is yours. I often choose to stay angry, but not always.

I'm talking through my hat because my family is pretty good to me. If I were in your shoes, I would be sitting on the kerb weeping and tearing my hair.
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Healthy would be give her a To Do list. Make sure the bathroom's No. 1. And leave wet towels on the floor (no ok the last bit would be childish). But if she's going out anyway she could at least run some errands for you. Seriously, have 'em ready. She's coming back to, er, help out isn't she?

Mine arrives at 11:00. If I'm in an incredibly good mood I will make a stollen in the morning to get her in the right spirit for starting on my mother's Christmas cards - this is my ploy to make her do something normal and fun with my poor mum so she (mum) doesn't end the visit with a migraine. Mind you, it depends what kind of night's ahead. If it's getting up three times +, I'm not apologising to anyone if the cupboard is bare and they can make their own coffee...
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I swear CM i am thinking of ways to piss her off this weekend this is not healthy behaviour OR IS IT??
She arrives at midnight on friday then she will get up wash and have SOME friend to meet for coffee then show her face with mum then maybe out to dinner then maybe spend time with mum at some stage on sunday then fly back monday she will maybe wash a few dishes but ignore the bathrooms etc.. and shes decided to come home at least every six weeks TO HELP OUT?? Please god send me the money to get my own place and soon!
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Kazzaa: "... I am going into hospital tom for an angiogram she just rang tonight to ask me to wash a top for her as shes coming at the weekend…"

??????????????????????

Am I reading that right?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where does she get the NERVE?

Mine's coming tomorrow (my mother says: "oh that's nice." Mm-hm). Hope she's bringing her own lunch…(she won't): I'll be busy itemising receipts in triplicate.
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I have a difficult time understanding people. An elderly man is deemed legally and medically competent, and yet his final wishes are disputed. Who are we to dispute this? All of us, without knowing the specifics of these individual cases, should limit our advice and opinions. Those whose lives are waning have definite reasons for making the decisions they do. It isn't until all the cards are on the table that the truth is revealed (both sides of the story are told). After all is said and done, I have dedicated the last 15 years of my life to the care and wellbeing of both parents...and would not hesitate to do it again. Money?? This cannot replace any loss. Again...no regrets. After what my parents have sacrificed for all of us (WW 2 generation) NOTHING
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Your brother is an expletive deleted!!!!
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My condolences. I too had stress related cardiac issues. The MD's at the VA hospital warned me of future problems. Seems they were more in-tuned with my father's demise than I had been. Since Dad's passing, the stress has been eliminated and the need for cardiac meds gone. There is a definite relation between our life and forfeiting it for the care of our parents through love. Would I do it all again? Absolutely. After learning all they had done for their own three children, it seems like a drop in the bucket to reciprocate. No regrets. Wish I could have done more.
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Sopke to a girl yesterday she is looking after mum and dad (dementia and parkinsons) she lives with them gave up her job to look after them NO HELP from siblings BUT she gets the house as they dont want to know she says she dosnt want the house she wants her life back ( she is 35 and has just had 3 stents put in?) I felt so sorry for her but told her that she needs to let go of the house and put them both into care and get her life back she will still get something and she agreed money means nothing when your heart packs in! Imagine shes 13yrs younger than me and already 3 stents from stress. Yep stuff the money I want a life.
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Country mouse we have the same sister not a banker but works in a bank? I will get away with murder here one day with her I am very ill chest pains(she knows this and couldnt careless) I am going into hospital tom for an angiogram she just rang tonight to ask me to wash a top for her as shes coming at the weekend???? My chest pains are pretty bad now she never even asked me about the tests? I dream of the day that I never have to see her sorry face ever again how can you cope with thier CRAP and not get angry or stressed or worse ILL? I mean im a pretty tough person but this sibling CRAP is just hard to stomach. Off to bed now perchance to dream!!!! I dream that im in MY HOUSE that im caring for mum and as its my house i dont have to talk to or see my sister or brother that when they come visiting I put mum outside the front door to be collected and returned when theyve gone back! Youve no idea how wonderful that would be for me definetly getting my own place next year and if mum dosnt move with me then its a NH as i want no more dealings with this big happy family!
"tis the season to be jolly" MY ASS.
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Gosh siblings can be evil! Worst I ever heard was a son who gave up his job to care for his mum for over ten years moved in with her but she never changed her will?? the daughter got the house AND i kid you not told him to leave as she was selling the house I know he was contesting the will and hope to god he got his share makes you really wonder about people and what they are capable of when it comes to money.
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Jinx, thank you, and yes, you're right; all I need to do is figure out some kind of requisition/purchase order/receipt type system that she can grasp with her horrible twisted banker's brain (but sadly tiny mind - yeah ok I'm venting) and all will go smoothly. It's just that I have a serious problem with my dear sister that is not entirely her fault - it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. I can't open my mouth without irritating the hell out of her; she can't do it without being quite incredibly insulting to me. Habit of a lifetime, I suppose.

Aaarggggghhh. If my mother's lawyer had tried to come up with a POA solution that would cause maximum stress to everybody involved I don't think she could have done a better job of it.

But if I hear my sister say "waste of limited medical resources" once more in the context of a conversation about care for the elderly I will bash her brains out with her own Vuitton handbag. What jury would convict me?

Interestingly, I live here rent free, have done since the caring business killed off my freelance business and my mother and my partner undertook my share of the bills. I may not sleep that well tonight...
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The reason to pay the caregiver now is that there may be no inheritance! Even a millionaire can end up on Medicaid. (Here in the Northeast, a house can easily be worth $500,000 and up. So lots of us are millionaires, without actually being more than a little wealthy.)

So ask Dad for a wage for caregiving, and report it and pay Social Security tax to make sure your retirement won't be too difficult. You can tell your brother that he, too, can earn money this way if he wants to take over during your vacation!
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Countrymouse - I'm assuming the POA is refusing to fork over the bucks - excuse me, that's pounds, right? - for new clothes.

How about asking for a quarterly budget to cover replacing clothing as needed? If you were given a few hundred pounds a year and the discretion to spend that much and no more, that might feel fairer to both of you. Ask the sib how much s/he spends on clothes a year.

Of course Mom doesn't need to spend a thousand a year, but her nightclothes are getting thin and shabby. How about 1/4 as much as your sib's own clothing budget? That way, you would feel that you are being given authority and power to do what's needed. You shouldn't have to beg and negotiate over new warm socks!
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Some years ago I heard a story I couldn't believe. Well, I believe it now. A woman lived with and cared for her parents for years. When the parents died, the other siblings reasoned that she was not entitled to any inheritance because she had lived with them rent-free.

OMG!

That's not the way it went in Grandmother's family. The brother who had lived with his parents for 20+ years was considered to have earned the right to the entire (modest) inheritance. He had not even had a long period of nursing to go through. Just his presence shovelling snow and buying groceries and providing a safety net was valued.

I think many families operate that way. We just don't hear about them that much because the people who show up here are largely the ones with the least support.
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People with dementia have rights too!

Just because they do not know
what they ate for breakfast or
just walked in from day care

doesn't mean that they do not know, if they want to be in a nursing home or not!
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Dreyfuss, you said it. My family is exactly that way and I have 8 living siblings. Sometimes I have thrown up my arms and said, here you take over all of this and all of the caregiving and I will gladly sit back and watch from afar. they scatter so quickly.
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The ones who do the least often expect the most
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Well, that could have been worse. It strikes me that when you have a situation that has more than one facet, you're going to exhaust your legal budget just getting the lawyers to concentrate on the problem for long enough. Oh dear. At least I haven't come out of there with a lawyer on a leash snarling and snapping, but I'm not much further forward either.

Advice is that the Public Guardian/Court of Protection has too many cases of serious evil on its hands to worry about one little old lady who's being taken good care of having her living expenses trimmed by responsible, forward-thinking financial POAs - no, not even if their forward thinking concentrates on the welfare of the money rather than the welfare of their mother. The authorities have real fraud, embezzlement and goodness knows what else to worry about, not to mention actual abuse. Put it all down in writing, says Mr Lawyer, then if the POAs decline to shell out their mother's own money on their mother's own benefit, they will have to give good reasons in proper form. Ah, he makes it sound so easy!

I'm just so tired of this. I want to get my mother some lined woollen trousers, nice ones. And what's wrong with her old ones? 1. They're old. 2. They're covered in pulled threads from her cat's claws, and they weren't all that to start with. 3. She used to buy trousers from horrible catalogues stuffed with 2 for 1 offers, as little old ladies are wont to do, even though she could easily afford much better, warmer clothes. (4. Just get out of the goddamned way and let me get on with looking after my mother, will you, you miserable cheese-paring old cow? - only you don't say that one, of course)

There's a pause for thought. Then the answer: well, it's not really worth it, is it? The old ones will last.

I can't face having to go through all this every time my mother needs a pair of knickers. I can't bear it. Anyone got any ideas?

Sorry, way off topic. I'll try to form this into a question when I can bear thinking about it any more. Apologies.
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Gifted or paid isn't it the same thing?

At least with getting paid, the parent still qualifies, for medicaid
(for medicare, medicaid 5 yr.look back for "care giving" expense qualifies,
"gifting" has to be paid back, by whoever receives it, and it time disqualifies them from entering a long term care facility, when you might really need it...)

either way the care giver should get paid.

I, myself am tired of the double standard, that is given to caregivers
caring for Elders, in their own home is every bit a job, as a CNA, which these days, do everything, from taking out the garbage (not much medical there) to checking b/p's
in a long term care facility , which any person caring in the home can do, but some how in-home-care provided by a friend or family member is seen as somebody trying to live off the person/parent?

Q:Why?

A: Because in some distant past their was somebody, taking the SS check to buy beer and not taking care of the parent or taking advantage of the parent and now that stereotype is, what runs through peoples heads, when you talk about being compensated for your time.

Even if you were at home and not working, when you are taking care of someone and no longer have your privacy, you are working...

The STATE saves money by having family members or friends provide in home care
for the elder and it should be paid for just like it was outside the home.

Even long-term-care in the home qualifies a person to get paid under"Cash and Counseling" in Illinois, other states in the U.S. have other programs that pay you up front and when it comes to sale of the house, if you have been caregiving for two years or longer, there is another provision/stipulation regarding are not suppose to sell the house as long as she is living, which is what makes this situation so tragic, that our 86 year old who had long term *unpaid) caregivers and was living in her own home being adequately cared for, was forced to sell her home, in court by the GAL when she should have been allowed to stay, no matter what the dysf.sib's wanted. Their lawyer insisted in the GAL and now she has a guardian and a bank, those people all get paid and we the caregivers of the person get zip 0.
Q: Why?
A: Because the system is corrupt.

I am trying to get a Senior Law passed like the "Amber Alert"
for caregivers to use to be compensated for all they do...why shouldn't they be?
if everyone else CAN GET PAID.

Court is December 2, will keep you all informed.



Personally in a case of two sisters,
one sister who did the careggiving was awarded half of the inheritance,
noting different here folks but was ALSO AWARDED a half of the rest of the estate.

So one sister who did the caregiving, received 75%
and the other sister who did nothing received 25%

In my case, I am not a family member but an upstairs tenant,
when I paid for the 86 year old's medicine, I expected to be reimbursed.

Why wasn't I?
They (dysf.sibs) said, they never asked me (neglect?).
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Compensating the caregiving child via a will does not make any sense to me. The caregiver should be paid (not gifted) as the work goes on. This arrangement should be written up and it should spell out what is provided and what the payment amount is. It should be updated if services and/or costs escalate. Then whatever is left (if anything) can be distributed evenly in the will.
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