My best friend is amazing and I love her like a sister. My mom and I live in a house my BFF owns which has been a blessing to us as she charges less than market rate. In addition, my BFF has been there to listen to my struggles when I moved here and became a caregiver. She visited my mom when she was in the hospital and nursing home and allowed her to move in with me. She is a really loving and kind person.
Tragically, her husband has cancer. It is progressing. They are in and out of the ER every few weeks. The last time they went in, as soon as I logged off work I left and went straight to the ER because I already knew she was going to need her dog cared for. As soon as I walked into the ER she sobbed saying she was just about to text me to go pick up her dog from the house.
I am looking for general advice here on how to handle balancing my duties with what I just 'feel in my spirit' may be a time approaching of more help needed by my BFF. She just texted me asking if I could go pick up the dog again as DH is back in the hospital. I am a bit lost now between how much to start saying yes versus boundary setting now. Last time I got the dog I cancelled plans to 'go out' into 'the city' an hour away with my mom - that's my 'respite' these days so having time in the city away from here helps a ton.
If I pick up the dog today I will cancel the same plans again - this time I feel a bit anxious as the dog urinated, pooped and vomited in the carpet during the last stay so it wasn't just a matter of cancelling plans and caring for my mom - the caring for the dog for some reason just tipped my stress levels up more than I expected. I feel horrible for wanting to say no to someone going through someone this tragic. Perhaps I could suggest paying for her to take the dog to the kennel moving forward when no one else can pick it up?
If you had the storm where you are like the one we had, no way would I have gone out in it after dark either. And, I would not be caring for a dog that seems to have anxiety separation problems.
Below-market is great of course but the unhappy, messy, barking dog on top of your mom’s issues … Being effectively trapped by obligations to both this friend and your mom … it sounds very trying to me.
Thinking of you!
When I have approached her asking just how long we can continue to rent here and what are her visions/plans for keeping or selling (specifying that I intend to be here for a handful of years but 'could' end choosing to stay here indefinitely) she just always says 'you and your mom can stay here as long as you want/need').
I was given the opportunity twice to move abroad through work last year which has been a long term dream of mine. Both times the opportunity to transfer fell through. It was around this time that she had expressed being excited for me for said opportunities but how her and DH honestly hope I don't ever leave the house any time soon. She has expressed on multiple occasions that how although she hates the circumstances under which I moved here, I ended up in her home at a time where she kept 'saying' she was going to rent it but needed help cleaning it out/putting it on the market/and did not want strangers in her home but was losing money having to pay for an empty house while she lived with her then fiance.
I tend to think she'd be upset if I left anytime soon as she has explicitly stated DH has mentioned 'what are they going to do if Psalms decides to leave/we literally don't have to worry about anything with the house now that she's renting it'. As such I think the risk of being 'put out' is low, however, I acknowledge it could happen so for now I just try to put some money away for worst case scenario. It also wouldn't necessarily be a horrible thing because I only moved here for my mom and neither she nor myself want to remain here long term. If my friend were to say she wants to sell the house to me I would buy it because: it's in a very inexpensive area, it could be easily modified to fit my mom's needs and the mortgage on a home like this in a smaller town would be lower than any other place I'd 'choose' to live myself. I'm willing to make living here a bit more permanent because my mom would do well here. I myself am not doing well here (I am having trouble finding good competent healthcare for myself for new issues that have arisen since becoming a caregiver and am heavily grieving the previous place/city and friends I moved away from) and do not want to stay here yet I'm willing to make such a sacrifice and do just that because my mom's few friends (although she is seeing them wayyyyy less now post stroke) are here and she is familiar with the area.
I did mention this whole housing thing is another topic in and of itself lol. Just as I was about to hit 'post' on this, it JUST literally dawned on me that it might not be THIS house that gets sold. In the midst of all my own craziness going on the past year and a half, I literally never had that thought until just now. They live together in maybe 5kish square feet...
...maybe I'm in the home she plans to come back to. O.O
"I love my friend and intend to help".
If dog-sitting is not your thing, that's ok! You can find a different way to help. The best arrangements, spoken or unspoken, work for BOTH sides ☺️
If you want ironclad boundaries, then quit depending on your friends’ charity in terms of the rent.
I would add that since being at your house stresses the dog (or maybe the dog is the same way at your friends house) tell your friend that you don't mind keeping the dog for a bit on occasion but you will need a crate for it so that it is sheltered and calm in it's space.
If you need more notice to pick up the dog let her know that as well.
It sounds to me, like all of this is coming to a crisis point where your friend may understand that she is unable to handle hubby at home, or when hubby is too ill to return home. Right now I would say all of this is quite up in the air.
This BF has been very good to you. You owe her. And you should do this for some period of time (I think two weeks is reasonable; you will begin to get an idea where all this is "going"). Then you may need to sit her down and say exactly what I said.
For instance:
"Judy, you know I love you. You have been more than a friend to me. You have been a lifesaver to me. And I know I not only OWE you big time, but I WANT to help you. Here's my problem: (this is where you insert the realities of your own life, work, caregiving, whatever is on your plate).
Can we sit over a glass of wine so I can explain my limitations, and so I can tell you where I can help? And can we troubleshoot how to get in more help where I can't? I want to BE THERE for you both. I just cannot always, and especially without notice."
Quite honestly there is not substitute for honesty.
What you told us is the truth.
Right now do all you can heroically. In a few weeks you will know more. It is my hope you won't have to "go there", but you may.
Best of luck. Hope you will update us.
You are correct. It may be time not to be part of this contract.
The OP & Mother rent from BFF & pay less than market rate.
The OP provides occassional emergemcy dog sitting for BFF.
What exactly is the issue?
More notice is needed in order to change plans?
The dog is too hard to manage?
An additional dog sitter service as backup?
Maybe the OP would rather end this *social contract*?
There are also dog daycares available for boarding.
Hopefully, your friend will understand. I watch my daughter’s dog for her when she needs me, but when I can’t and she is never upset. She brings him to daycare or boards him when necessary.
My daughter uses Camp Bow Wow. They have tons of locations and they are great. She uses one in New Orleans now and she also used one in Denver.
There are dog-sitting services that can provide a person to go to your BF's house and walk and feed the dog. Check some out. Then tell BF that you love her and her dog, but it's not working out for you. Cite the pee, poop and vomit issues. Remind her that you're too stressed from taking care of your mom. Say that Fido would be so much better off in their home than in yours. Then offer to set it up so that the pet-sitter can meet Fido and be ready next time help is needed. If you're so inclined, you could even offer to pay the sitter, since you feel so sad and awful that you can't do it. (But BF should really pay her own sitter, since it's her dog.)
I hope you find a solution.
Good point RE: the neighbors - perhaps she has used them before; I am not sure. I did end up declining to get the dog last night (it was storming and I did not want to drive out to her area at night without my mom as I also wasn't going to take her out). I chose not to give any explanations as honestly I wasn't sure that would help/add any value.
I'm giving this more thought because the past 6 months they have been in and out of the hospital so much and like I said I just have this feeling for some reason that she is going to start really needing more help with the dog. I think that if it's a weekend where I don't plan on leaving, or I can bring the dog 'to the city' with my mom and I, I will do my best to say yes but I will try to find help for her if I can't do it and she's having trouble.
That's my story, I have no clue what advice I can give but figured I'd share it with you