My mom is getting worse and very argumentative, we've stopped her from cooking and driving and doctors have said either get 24/7 care to live in home or put her in facility but her husband refuses. We've offered to move them here to have family close to help, but they refuse. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm afraid the stress will kill him or someone is going to get hurt or worse. What's a daughter to do from far away?
Just a note, when change needs to happen and parents are resisting, I found it helpful to talk to Social Services. They came and did a walk thru eval. and after that we got in-home care. Best wishes and always remember to guard your health as best as possible (I am paying price of not).
This should be a non negotiable point in his recovery.
Option 1 get help in to the house
Option 2 Move to Assisted Living. Hopefully one that also has a Memory Care unit so as mom declines she will still be in the same location as s-dad.
Unless they can come up with a better option 3 these are the two that you are going to have to stick with.
No one wants to admit that they need help or that they can't do it themselves.
Tell them both that his doctor has ordered that they get help in to eliminate some of the stress.
You might also want to contact the local Senior Center they could put you in contact with agencies that can help.
I suppose there is an option 3 make that 3 a and b. The same as above but close to where you live so that you would be able to help out as well.
Stick to your guns on this it is doctor ordered. Might also want to ask ..."what happens to mom if caring for her kills you?"
up on him and be my eyes and ears. They kept me informed about his health and needs. I was thrilled to find this service and the cost was reasonable. Unfortunately my father died before I had it fully implemented but I believe it would have worked in my Father’s and my benefit until he had to be in more intensive care. I wish you the best.
Also, if the doctors are telling her and husband that she needs help with outside helpers coming in or by moving to a facility, they will NOT let it go. They likely will report it to adult protective services for an investigation if this continues. At that point, the county may get involved to get her protection and assistance by court order.
While step-dad is in the hospital with his heart attack where is mom?
I would contact him with the phone number for a geriatric doctor and encourage him to take mom to hopefully make his caregiving journey easier.
Please try to support him and his choices because he is doing a tough job and your mom is difficult. He may be more open if he feels like you are willing to let him take the lead and support his choices, even if you don't agree. Opening the line of communication is so important to helping them through this awful journey.
I would suggest having a long talk with stepdad about the kinds of care that mom needs: toileting, bathing, meals, walking, watching during the day, watching during the night... Ask him which needs are most difficult for him to manage - my bet is the night time watch. That was the one that really wore my MIL out caring for my FIL with dementia. Talk to him about allowing others: family, friends, church, paid help... to help with the more difficult tasks. Once he agrees to whatever help, guide him to resources to provide the care. This might require you contacting folks and having them talk/meet with your parents to set up the care.
Remember that he is a competent adult and has the right to make decisions for mom's and his needs - just as you do. He may reject help and all you can do then is make frequent calls and offer to help when you can.
You are not alone in this worrisome situation. Many on this forum have experienced parents rejecting help they clearly need and been forced to wait until a hospitalization brought the parent(s) situation to the attention of authorities (hospital social worker and/or APS) before help could be provided.