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My mom is getting worse and very argumentative, we've stopped her from cooking and driving and doctors have said either get 24/7 care to live in home or put her in facility but her husband refuses. We've offered to move them here to have family close to help, but they refuse. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm afraid the stress will kill him or someone is going to get hurt or worse. What's a daughter to do from far away?

This WAS me in 2013 - 2014. I had to leave my home, state and family and move in with my mother 7 states from mine. It was VERY hard and although doable, I don't recommend it. My dear late mother didn't want to leave her home and thanks to me, she didn't have to.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Hi Drandom1,
Just a note, when change needs to happen and parents are resisting, I found it helpful to talk to Social Services. They came and did a walk thru eval. and after that we got in-home care. Best wishes and always remember to guard your health as best as possible (I am paying price of not).
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Reply to rustlingleaves
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Drandom, can you respond to the recent questions? It is helpful for others trying to help to get as much information as possible.

Thank you.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I will suggest you find a reputable home care agency in the area, and introduce them as a friend to check-in on them every now and then. He may start liking the caregiver and you can take it up from there. Men can be very stubborn when it comes to accepting help. Good luck!
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Reply to hcar6850
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The sad thing is that many Caregivers die before the person they are caring for dies. This is mostly due to stress and no "self care"
This should be a non negotiable point in his recovery.
Option 1 get help in to the house
Option 2 Move to Assisted Living. Hopefully one that also has a Memory Care unit so as mom declines she will still be in the same location as s-dad.
Unless they can come up with a better option 3 these are the two that you are going to have to stick with.
No one wants to admit that they need help or that they can't do it themselves.
Tell them both that his doctor has ordered that they get help in to eliminate some of the stress.
You might also want to contact the local Senior Center they could put you in contact with agencies that can help.

I suppose there is an option 3 make that 3 a and b. The same as above but close to where you live so that you would be able to help out as well.
Stick to your guns on this it is doctor ordered. Might also want to ask ..."what happens to mom if caring for her kills you?"
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Reply to Grandma1954
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I had a similar situation. My Dad was 93 and alone and 1600 miles from me. He would not move to be near me so I could help him. I found a private company, which was made up of RNs. They would act as my intermediary and go to doctor’s appointments with my Dad, check
up on him and be my eyes and ears. They kept me informed about his health and needs. I was thrilled to find this service and the cost was reasonable. Unfortunately my father died before I had it fully implemented but I believe it would have worked in my Father’s and my benefit until he had to be in more intensive care. I wish you the best.
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Reply to Nan1cy
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I'd consult with an attorney in mom's jurisdiction for your options. Even if her husband has POA, if he is not protecting her best interest and going against doctor's orders, he is violating his duty. I'd explore getting Guardianship in order to protect her safety and welfare.

Also, if the doctors are telling her and husband that she needs help with outside helpers coming in or by moving to a facility, they will NOT let it go. They likely will report it to adult protective services for an investigation if this continues. At that point, the county may get involved to get her protection and assistance by court order.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Has mom seen a geriatric psychiatrist or specialist?

While step-dad is in the hospital with his heart attack where is mom?

I would contact him with the phone number for a geriatric doctor and encourage him to take mom to hopefully make his caregiving journey easier.

Please try to support him and his choices because he is doing a tough job and your mom is difficult. He may be more open if he feels like you are willing to let him take the lead and support his choices, even if you don't agree. Opening the line of communication is so important to helping them through this awful journey.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Call Adult Protective Services and have them make a home visit. If he will not listen to you, he might listen to them. Or at least get scared enough he will hire someone to help.
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Reply to plum9195
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Without a POA, your stepfather is the one who can legally make decisions. The question is WHY won't he allow more help for her/them. Maybe he worries about finances. Maybe he feels like it threatens his roles as provider and protector. Maybe he feels that he is doing an adequate job already.

I would suggest having a long talk with stepdad about the kinds of care that mom needs: toileting, bathing, meals, walking, watching during the day, watching during the night... Ask him which needs are most difficult for him to manage - my bet is the night time watch. That was the one that really wore my MIL out caring for my FIL with dementia. Talk to him about allowing others: family, friends, church, paid help... to help with the more difficult tasks. Once he agrees to whatever help, guide him to resources to provide the care. This might require you contacting folks and having them talk/meet with your parents to set up the care.

Remember that he is a competent adult and has the right to make decisions for mom's and his needs - just as you do. He may reject help and all you can do then is make frequent calls and offer to help when you can.
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Reply to Taarna
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If your mom has dementia, she can no longer assign POA to anyone. In order for you to have any contro of what your mom does, you would need to get guardianship, which is a legal process. I do not have any familiarity with guardianship, but others on this forum do. As TNtechie said, your step-dad currently is in charge since he is apparently competent and holds POA for your mom. I notice you are not sure about their POAs; it sounds like it's going to be difficult to get this information, which would be useful.
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Reply to caroli1
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Judysai422 Oct 9, 2019
The comment about assigning POA is not entirely true. A lawyer will determine if the person is competent enough to assign POA. It depends on how much the dementia has progressed. My parents' attorney did allow my mom to assign POA even with the diagnosis because she determined through a succession of questions that my mom understood what she was doing.
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As long as your step-father is competent and holds your mother's POA, he is the decision maker. When something happens, like your mother wondering off or being injured or ill you may be able to gain guardianship due to step-father's neglect. You may be able to get some help by reporting your concerns to APS. Your step-father may listen to APS much better than he would to you.

You are not alone in this worrisome situation. Many on this forum have experienced parents rejecting help they clearly need and been forced to wait until a hospitalization brought the parent(s) situation to the attention of authorities (hospital social worker and/or APS) before help could be provided.
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Reply to TNtechie
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He has POA over my mom and I believe she for him. They really try to keep all this info private and wont share so family doesnt really know how to proceed or the rights we have or their rights.
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Reply to Drandom1
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Drandom1 Oct 6, 2019
Not sure of really anything regarding financial, medical or really anything. Should we be talking about going to court to get POA. I'm scared if we cant get help someone will get hurt. They use to have someone come in several days a week to help but mom is so nasty they either quit or she fires them but now no one wants to work there or deal with her and her foul mouth.
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Who has the durable POA for both of them? More information needed.
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