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We have had a few years of health issues with mom. The time is here that the doctors have said they can not do anything more to help mom feel better. We talked to palliative care and they directed us to Hospice care.


Mom decided to have her defibrillater turned off and accept Hospice care. She has no patience and doesn't seem listen to what it all involved. Then she is rude and gets all frustrated with the caregivers and family trying to help.


Feels hurtful and I had the delusion that she would be grateful we are there and had come to terms with where her health is. Boy was I wrong.


Now I am feeling guilty for my negative thoughts.

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Not knowing your mother or you, could it be that she is experiencing all or some of the emotions associated with death and dying? Denial, anger,depression, bargaining, and hopefully for her peace of mind, acceptance? I remember when my mother was faced with choices towards the end of her life that she decided to isolate herself to protect the family from seeing her decline. She did express that she was disappointed that her cancer returned and that she felt she was disappointing us because she would not consent to extensive surgery which would compromise her quality of life. Could it be that she is using as anger as a way of deflecting other emotions? I've learned that not only is it difficult for the loved ones to say goodbye, it is difficult for the person who is on hospice too, they don't want to hurt us anymore than we are hurting. This is uncharted waters for all of you so please don't beat yourself up. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they are just feelings.
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Reply to Peanuts56
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Family1mom: Imho, you cannot nor should not hold onto those negative thoughts, else they eat at you. You have done the right thing.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Let your mom do those things she is able to do safely. She doesn't have to do them fast. My husband sometimes sewed on patches or mended work clothes he would probably never need again, but it gave him a low exertion activity and made him feel useful.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Family1mom, when you ask what she wants and she says she does not know do not pressure her, just say.."Think about it and let me know" then if you know what she was wanting quietly get it for her.
You do not mention in your profile if she has dementia or not but trying to put words to a thought and not being able to must be so frustrating. I know I get frustrated when something slips my mind I can not imagine what it would be like to have that happen all the time.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Your mom is scared, frightened at what will come.
Give her time.
Let the wonderful people from Hospice get to know her, she will get to know them and will probably look forward to their visits.
You can request a variety of therapists from music to art including pet therapy.
These may be curtailed for a while with COVID19 but as soon as possible take advantage of those services.
Just be there for her.
Support her.

By the way when you are trying to help make sure that it is help she wants, if she can do things for herself let her do as much as she can as long as it is safe.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Family1mom Mar 21, 2020
Thanks for taking the time to respond. We are only a week in and its been painful.

She is trying to be as independent as possible. The problem is that it is so difficult for her to breathe with just simple things. She doesn't want to ask for help and then becomes frustrated.

We ask what we can help with and she doesn't know. It's a challenge and will be a difficult process.
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Hospice criteria has changed over the years. To the older generation it means you have 6 months tp live. Your Mom maybe afraid. Dying is scary because we really don't know what there is after death. Are we just gone or is there a heaven. For some have their religion. For others its an unknown. Are you trying too much? Is she still able to do some things on her own and ur not letting her? Are you making her feel like you are just waiting for her to pass by hovering. Maybe she needs time alone.

Why don't you ask her what she wants.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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