Follow
Share

I am a Power of Attorney and Executrix to someone for many years and have known him for 2/3 of my life. He has Aspergers and Attention Deficit. He is very intelligent but totally lacking social skills, empathy and just simple common sense and is very easily swayed by influences from people who are just acquaintances or strangers - to the detriment of his quality of life and the impact his unethical and sneaky actions have on other people. It is very difficult to reason with him.


About four years ago, he decided to change his will which was fine - no problem - as circumstances had completely changed. Well, he never said a word to me that he felt he had made some mistakes as to what was in the new will and so went to an attorney and told the attorney he felt he had been "forced and manipulated" (that never, ever happened - I always told him he makes the final decisions and my job is to carry them out and I will) and so he wanted a new will and a new person to administer his estate. I never had any idea of this action until about seven months after the fact. There is and never was a problem with what he wanted to put into the will - that is his right. But he went behind my back and got in touch with a man I feel would be a very foolish choice of a person (whom he barely knows) to administer his estate. When I found out his sneakiness, I felt very violated as I have proven time and time again to everyone I have very high ethics and morals and would most certainly carry out the will to the letter of the law. So I questioned him and asked if I was still in the picture or if I had been removed to handle his estate. He refuses to answer and is constantly seeking "input" from strangers.


In the meantime, I have no idea what, if any role, I have in his future and I feel I have a right to know where I stand legally. If he wants someone else, fine, but be honest and tell me. I told him if I am to remain in the picture, he has to re-establish the relationship since he violated my trust; he has to be open and honest and always speak the truth; and he had to promise never to go behind my back again. (He swore over and over again he would be open and honest but then he lies and does bad things.) He ignores everything that I ask in terms of getting an answer and I am left in limbo. I was advised under no circumstances to contact him - just do my POA job as always and wait to see what happens if I am or am not going to administer the estate. I am so furious at his actions because I have gone to the ends of the earth over and over again to care for him in every way possible - he knows it and everyone else does too and feels he should be extremely glad he has someone who cares and who is totally honest. And this is what he does to me - who does not deserve it. There is no family and I am his only friend. All the others ran long ago. Does anyone have any thoughts or comments?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I am not sure how you can act as POA if you have no contact with him?  And as for administering his estate: you will follow the will, but from what you say this man has no good moral foundation, so what will you do if the will is unjust or otherwise morally questionable?  I can only speak for myself, and hypothetically, but I would resign POA and refuse to act as executor.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Are you sure he didn’t assign POA to someone else as well? I don’t know how you would be able to find out that info.....you are in between a rock and a hard place.....I would try to find out about poa, if he did assign someone else, then step away and let the other person handle it all.....I know that will be hard to do as you have spent so many years helping them.....but look out for yourself too.....hope you can get thru this....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Lockett2166 Sep 24, 2019
I am trying to respond to Cherokeegrrl54 and also to Send Help Above. He is separated from his wife who is in a mental institution (lawyer handled the details of the separation and the legal aspects). I take care of both of them. Taking care of both is l00% legal. I am not aware of anyone else being made their POA - supposedly it is me still. He totally lacks common sense, has no idea in the world about hurting others and how they feel - incapable of it; seeks input from complete strangers and does that they tell him to do (often with severe consequences) and I have to fix everything. There is not a soul in the world who would be willing to take on the POA job and probably not the estate - everyone walked away fro them years ago (except me because I took an oath to always be there to help them). Supposedly until I receive something official in writing, based on legal input, I still have my positions. However, I am temporarily waiting to see what will happen in the near future and then I can make an appropriate decision. I have a word of advice - if there are mental issues involved with people, for God's sake, be smart and not a fool like I was to take on these jobs - RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I WAS A FOOL AND I AM PAYING FOR IT NOW.
(0)
Report
I have known him for many, many years (and his wife) and have served as his POA in so many ways I could fill an encyclopedia and have taken care of both of them over and over and over again and had wonderful success in doing so. I love my job as POA, interesting, challenging, and they both need my skills - she is in a mental institution and he has no common sense whatsoever so I am constantly finding solutions. They have absolutely no friends or family or anyone except me. I really don't want to quit the POA because I really love this job and all the good I have done for someone in need. I was always the administrator of his estate upon his passing but for some reason - completely without any reality - that I would not carry out his wishes. I have told him legally and morally I am honor bound to carry out everything down to the last letter of the law and certainly would do so - always have and always will. But for some reason, he got a bug in his head to change the beneficiaries. Fine, no problem.....just tell me and send me a copy of the new will. But do not go behind my back and have an attorney draft a new will and prepare to give that job to a person of questionable background whom he does not know personally and never tell me. I cannot stand being lied to or treated like dirt when I have done nothing wrong. I am of the opinion that I will definitely decide to walk away from the administration of the estate because of what he did but I really don't want to give up the POA job - at least not right at this moment. I am hurt to the very core of my heart and soul. Had I been dishonest or done something illegal or bad or stupid, I can see being "punished" but I did not do a solitary thing wrong. I have always looked out for him and for his wife. If I sever ties with him, I must do the same for his wife who is in a mental institution. He made his bed so he my have to lie in it down the road.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Sendhelp Sep 23, 2019
Is your friend divorced from his wife?
If you are POA for both, but they are living separately, could your job be considered a conflict of interest?
Are you residing in the same AL as your friend?

Do you know who this new executor of his will is? Can you find out more?

There is always someone looking in from the outside, thinking they are rescuing a person with Aspergers, and loyalty to their wife, primary caregiver, or POA is lost under the new stranger's interference. It is another characteristic of Aspergers to be easily influenced. Additionally, I can say that he might not have a clue as to how he hurt your feelings.

As POA, you need to not take his actions personally, and protect his ( or husband and wife's) finances from this stranger. Or, if you are unable, find someone who can.
I have doubts that most with Aspergers' s at age 85 living in AL has full capacity.

Someone wrote on here about competency, and said as soon as a person is diagnosed with dementia, they are not competent to handle their own affairs. I do not know if that is true. However, Aspergers' s is another condition where a person needs helps to make decisions, imo.
(2)
Report
Seems like 2 parts to it:

#1 The hurt at being not informed.
#2 Continuing as POA in this situation.

Unless there are serious concerns regarding capacity (& it is contested) he is an adult & allowed to make good or bad decisions - as he chooses. For sure, bad decisions are hard to watch & disregarding your long association is very hurtful.

"just do my POA job as always" Do you currently have tasks you are doing? (Not just inactive just in case? If so, it does sound like you may wish to consider if that is practical going forward.

Would it be useful to write him a letter? Stating you had his best wishes in mind & wishing him the best for his future.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Lockett2166 Sep 23, 2019
I cannot talk to his attorney as the attorney would not talk to me - I am not the client, he is. I was told to just keep doing what needs to be done as his POA (never heard any complaints from anyone after many years) until he tells me to get lost. I will do that. Also there are a couple of issues which would need to be resolved before I walk and given his mental status, I don't have the slightest idea right now how to accomplish a resolution. As to the letter, believe me, done that, no responses. I was told by a professional he is running scared as he realizes he has no one to do what I have always done and would do and he has a tendency to push things into dark corners where he hopes they will disappear so he does not have to deal with uncomfortable issues. I don't know what to do except, as I have been advised to do by my experts, just sit tight and see what happens and then make a decision. So I sit and wait right now and do whatever my POA job requires.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Maybe your friend has made the best decision for himself and no longer wanted to burden you after his death.

If he is allowing you to continue as POA, and handle his finances, can you continue doing that? Or, would you want to?

What you describe, Aspergers and ADHD, seeking advice from outsiders, or better yet, what GardenArtist describes: "Furtive moves, failure to communicate, and withholding information" are characteristic of Aspergers. He may have always been this way, but in his elderly years, needs a wider support system set up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Lockett2166 Sep 23, 2019
I love my POA job, always have, and have gone way above and beyond and have done it in an outstanding manner so I would hate to give it up. As to the estate part, I spent untold hours learning procedures and laws, etc. to be prepared when the day came. I have done this work and did an outstanding job and would love the challenges involved. I know I would do a fine job. He is getting more difficult the older he gets and he has broken my heart and soul with this sneakiness and defiled me - all for no reason and no justification whatsoever. I am deeply hurt and have given him a chance to redeem himself and he ignores it all. The day will come where a decision will have to be made. What bothers me is I took an oath to always be there for him years ago when I took over - and I carried out that oath always. But he can never, ever be trusted again - or respected - because he lies and does things he should not do.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Let it go and move on.   Furtive moves, failure to communicate and withholding information don't bode for  a good relationship under any circumstances.  H

I also agree that you may no longer even be proxy under his POA.   Know that you did a good job while it lasted, but it's time for whoever he chose to take over.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Lockett2166 Sep 23, 2019
You are so right. I want to move on but there are some issue that need to be resolved first and I am stumped right now how to do that. The professional experts I have behind me are advising me to sit tight and wait and see what happens and said there is a legal procedure to be followed if I am no longer the POA and the administrator of his estate. I am familiar with those procedures. I will give this a certain amount of time taking into account how he "operates" and then I will make a suitable decision and follow through legally to that end. Had I listened years ago to doctors and other professionals and his friends, I would never have taken on these two jobs. I was a fool but I did enjoy the great good I was able to accomplish for him and his wife all these years - and I succeeded above and beyond and everyone can attest to that. But what the future holds is something only God and the Devil can know right now. I know one thing for sure, for the rest of my life, no matter who, what, why, how, when, etc., I will never ever again help anyone with mental issues. I'll run so fast I will be a blur.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
I would talk to his lawyer. Explain that his decisions are his but that he needs guidance. His lawyer can become his Executor and POA. Ur friend may have revoked your POA. If he hasn't revoked it, I would step down. Thiscwill only drive you nuts.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Lockett2166 Sep 23, 2019
I cannot talk to the attorney as she won't talk with me - he is her client, not me. I tried - no use. I am in a "wait and see" mode per what my professionals advised me to do for the present time - but not forever.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Lockett: So dreadfully sorry you are going through this. To tell you the truth this is all a very difficult job. You are doing this not even for a family member, which, when he goes with his paranoia and stories, going to make people "suspect" you right off the bat.
I would tell this young man that you feel that you have somewhat, for whatever reason, lost his trust. I wouldn't argue it, but would simply say that I did not wish to serve as his POA anymore, and would ask him if there is someone who can assist him with his affairs. It doesn't sound as though he is incompetent? He has not been diagnosed as such I think? So I would ask him to assign another as POA, and I think just to be safe I would go to a lawyer and would ask for assistance in resigning as his POA. This is a difficult and thankless job to do for someone, and under these circumstances, also quite impossible by the sounds of it.
Are you currently DPOA meaning that if something happens you would assume duties? Or are you CURRENTLY doing duties as POA for him in terms of paying bills, keeping financial records. When someone isn't mentally competent I am not sure how you even manage to do this at all unless you are acting virtually as a guardian.
Wishing you good luck and hope you will update us if you find any solutions. For me Prime Imperative now is protecting yourself from a gentleman who is a bit irratic at best.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Sendhelp Sep 23, 2019
This young man is 85 years old, living in assisted living.
The OP is 85 years old, living in assisted living.
(0)
Report
See 4 more replies
I may be wrong, but it’s my understanding that POA doesn’t come into effect until a person is incompetent. It doesn’t sound like this person could be deemed so. So, this would mean your POA isn’t really in effect. Also, you are executrix of his will but this does not come into effect until he has passed. To me, this means that you really have no responsibility for his finances or anything else regarding his affairs at this point. You have assumed responsibility, but there was really no need to. He is ostensibly able to handle all this himself but seems to be very adept at creating drama for himself and everyone around him. Were I you, I would take whatever steps necessary to extricate myself from this potentially very sticky situation and move on.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
AlvaDeer Sep 22, 2019
I am my bro's POA, Ahmijoy. I was designated by a mentally competent man to per his request pay his bills, handle his financial affairs, and was also made Trustee of his Trust. So, yes, you can serve as soon as you are requested to serve. In fact my POA stipulates that is is his wish, and that the POA does not change when/if he becomes incompetent. With his dual diagnoses he thought this was best choice for him. As he is now completely competent to make decisions he and I discuss everything. When he isn't, I would still act in his stead. So she can act for him now as she has been doing. I am not certain why she would WANT to continue to do so. It is quite a grueling job. And he sounds unstable in light of his recent actions. Were I her I would go now to him and ask if he has another competent choice he could assign POA to. I would ask him to assign new POA. I would assist them in transferring all things to best of ability. I think that what he has done can only mean bad things for her going forward. If he refuses to assign another POA I would go to a Lawyer and find out how to resign as POA, or have it Court Appointed, or SOMEthing. I only know that this is not a fun job; doing it for someone this ill and compromised would make it impossible, for me at least.
(2)
Report
See 6 more replies
I think you want to resign your POA/Executrix duty if you've been taken out of your friend's will, is that what you're saying? And you want to know where you stand right now, since he's accusing you of manipulating him, which is a lie. I can't say that I blame you, really, considering his behavior and mental health issues in general. I guess you can demand he show you a copy of the new documents he's drawn up, and if he refuses, you can resign yourself as his POA. Not sure what other choice you have, honestly.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Lockett2166 Sep 23, 2019
I don't care who he gives what to although it would be nice if he did recognize me for at least something for what I have done for him in the past. That is not what bothers me. It is that he lied and said he was manipulated with his will (never, ever happened - and he did not have to sign it if he was not happy with it), then went to an attorney to draft up a new will, took me out as the administrator of his estate, and then made a man he doesn't even know with a questionable background to become his administrator and then never tell me. I found out by accident six or seven months after he did this. Can you imagine the fiasco if he passed and I showed up because I did not know I was thrown into the trash and this stranger said he was now the administrator? Horrible situation. I am giving him some time and I will once again ask him what he has done and that I have a right to know. If he does not respond and tell the truth, then i know what I need to do. My experts told me to give him some time before I act.
(0)
Report
In what way do you feel that you need clarification to "stay in the picture"? Are you still POA? Do you want to resign that duty?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Lockett2166 Sep 23, 2019
Since he proved that he has ideas in his head that have no basis in validity, and went to an attorney to replace me with a man he hardly knows with a questionable background, and never told me and probably would not have told me if I had not found out by accident seven months later, I can never, ever trust him again to speak the truth. My experts told me to stay as his POA until he tells me I am "dead". They said as to the administrator of the estate job, I should sit tight and in a reasonable time ask him one last time where I stand and see if I can get a copy of his latest new will. If he does not respond, then I would know what to do. What I can't understand is how someone can be so "evil" (for lack of a better word) and betray the relationship we always had by secretly making a new will and getting a new person and not telling me. This disgusts me. I love this job and the challenges and the good I have done and would hate to give that up but time will tell me what to do. The truth is that someone who does something like this does not deserve someone decent and honest as I am.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter