Help with my grandmother. Any advice?

Just a little update, yesterday my aunt from Texas calls me to yell at me about not taking care of my grandmother after her surgery. I let her know on no uncertain terms that I wasn't going to do it. I'm not up for ending up in the hospital myself due to a panic attack or I had hurt myself. Then I got it from my grandmother saying now she wasn't going to get her knee replaced. This is when I got nasty and said that she could live in pain the rest of her life because she is too cheap to spend the money on professionals who could help her better than I could. This is classic functional alcoholic behavior for her. She is going for someone who is going to spend their dime buying booze for her. But I am happy that my parents are now in my corner and won't let her stay with them. But my aunt who hasn't come back to Cleveland in at least 25 years, hasn't been around to pick up her messes and listen to the 'help me, help me, I'm an helpless, old woman' bit. My mother said that if my grand father was alive, he wouldn't have stood for what she is doing.

Here is what an elderly neighbor told me to say, when someone asks me something ridiculous. "Haha. Oh, I couldn't possibly do that." Repeat as many times as necessary.

Evermore, you win the gold medal of standing your ground! Way to go. And, btw, I wouldn't say you got nasty. Just real. Hugs to you x

How about "I won't be wiping her butt and she actually has to spend her money on having a professinal help her for a couple weeks"
or more simply
"I won't be wiping her butt."
or even more to the point
"No, I couldn't possibly do that"?

Why would it be difficult to tell your family? Grandmother has apparently asked you. Just say no.

Just say no and hide the bank card from your grandmother.

Did she repay you the last time she illegally used your card. Sorry, but I'd find it very difficult to house a thief under my roof. If she can get out to eat, booze and whatever fun things that catch her eye,then maybe she should be living on her own living off of money that is her own.

Take care of your own health, protect your money for taking care of you and set up some strong boundaries.

How come her own grown children looking after her being cared for? Sounds like it's past time for them to step up to the plate..

My grandmother who had ovarian cancer is in remission because I helped her find a really good cancer doctor. It's the family dynamic that seems to be twisted. I sent an e-mail saying that I can't take care of the one who needs a knee replacement and that my mother and my aunt have to take care of her. I was almost tempted to say if I was going to take care of her, I would need to be paid. My other grandmother wasn't a burden because I had family that helped out and she wasn't horribly sick from the chemo, she just needed some help and company for the 24 hours after chemo. It amazes me that my two grandmothers are so different.

Evermore - there's your answer! Tell your family that only the best outcome is good enough for your knee-replacement grandmother and that professional help is therefore vital. Quite beyond you - she must hire a nurse.

Grandmothers do come in all shapes and sizes - not to mention temperaments - don't they? I'm so glad your ovarian cancer one is doing so well, well done you for finding her the right help.

Evermore, you already know how your grandmother is. She's tight with her money because it can go to better stuff than to you - her granddaughter. Anyway, isn't it quite well known that family is suppose to help out of the goodness of their hearts - because it's family. (I'm being sarcastic.) She has priorities for her money - and it sure isn't going to be wasted on a caregiver when she can get it for free from family.

It's good that you sent the email saying no. Now, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, look straight into your eyes - and repeat your refusal. The key is for you to be able to say it until it becomes natural. Looking into your eyes will help you to look at the person (mom, aunty or grandma) and say No.

I'm very timid. I used to give speeches/skits in front of an audience. I found that by practicing in front of the mirror, I had to relearn every single time - to be able to sound natural, to be able to look at the audience straight into their eyes (and not over their head - which is quite obvious as the observer). I was so stressed out before and after the speeches. I always got these major migraines afterward. But it was so worth all that practicing. Afterwards, people who knew me, were amazed how confident, flowing my speech was - and that I looke at their eyes and smiled. Hence, practice, practice and practice in front of that mirror your refusal.

And you are right. The more you give in to taking care of grandmother, the more all 3 of them will rely on you. Put on your mirrors (bathroom and bedroom) a reminder note: " Remember - MEDICAL EXPENSES. NEED JOB" and another one: "Say NO to grandma, mom and aunt". or "Grandma has Money. She can Pay for Help."

If you Do decide to help grandmother, and she Agrees to Pay you, make sure you have it in Writing! This is very important. Because when she changes her mind about wasting her money on you and stops paying, you can also quit helping her since she broke the contract.

Run. Fast, and as far away as you can get. You have a classic dysfunctional family, and in order for you to care for your own emotional and physical problems, you are going to need to separate yourself from them. You can waste more time trying to justify your position to them, but it won't make a difference -- they will continue to expect you to live in emotional, physical and financial slavery. Amazing how clueless some people are -- as a single person in the family, you have to most need to build your retirement and are least equipped to caregive! Finally, the real problems here are addiction and the behaviours associated with it, and that's where the counselling and solutions for grandma lie. It may be difficult for you, but if you want some happiness in life, get the heck away from all of them! They all sound extremely toxic.

My dear, knee replacement surgery requires rehab in a facility, not at home. Also yes, run from this dysfunction. Are you in therapy? Could be a good thing.