Help! My husband (68) has an Alzheimer’s diagnosis which has been progressing very slowly. He was always kind of self-absorbed and judgmental before – and it’s seems super extreme now that he has nothing to do and no motivation. He used to be motivated and a hard worker. Now, because of his loss of logic skills and depression about future, he just sits around playing solitaire and thinking about his ailments. He can still hold conversations just fine and can drive to the Dr and Home Depot, so he’s nowhere near being ready to be put away. Our son graduated from college about a year ago and has had a lot of trouble finding a job in his field – or anything even close to his field. He is depressed about this but is also having trouble getting motivated because he just thinks it will lead to nothing. His girlfriend lives here (not sure how that happened) and has two part-time jobs. They keep a low profile so they won’t bother us. Husband gets out of control angry frequently. This used to happen in the past – every so often. But now it’s like it’s his mission to yell at and confront my son about getting off his a** and doing something. And I agree that my son SHOULD do something – but husband’s way of doing this is causing such anguish. I tell husband to talk to son – don’t start off by yelling – start with a conversation. But he’s been going BERSERK regularly – threatening to kick him out and to “do something” and actually, on occasion, charging him (I mean getting up and running at him). He makes us both super upset. He’s made son cry a couple of times. Son used to put effort into supporting husband emotionally – spending time with him and backing him up in some assertions. But when husband gets a bee in his bonnet it’s like all those positive times never happened and son is “lazy, good for nothing, worthless, etc”. Son and I are both over this. I know husband has the “A” problem, and he DOES forget stuff very easily. I’m just not sure how to handle this. Son has nowhere else to go and to tell the truth, I like having him here as moral support to me. I’m worried for my son, who basically HATES his dad now. We both wish he’d go away.
I'm puzzled how his GF could move in and the method or reason be so nebulous. And it might be that she's part of the reason your husband is so hostile to his son. He might consider it an invasion of the family's privacy.
Has your son worked through the campus job placement service? Most universities of which I'm aware do have these services.
BTW, what is his field? Someone might have other suggestions on finding a job that's close to his field, something at which he could get experience that can be leveraged for a permanent position. He might not be able to find what he wants now, but another job in a similar or closely related field could provided needed work experience.
Did he work his way through college? If so, returning to one of those jobs might be an option.
I understand your son not being able to find a job in his field but there must be something he can do until that job comes along. Where I live there is Amazon, Jet and other warehouses. A friend's son drives a school bus because he can't find a job in his major. Your son is not the only one with this problem. But he needs to do something. Ur husband comes from an era where children were expected to work. There was no sitting around doing nothing.
And you need to stop using your son.
I'm going to wager that part of what is going on is that son is afraid for your safety.
Son can get part time jobs like his gf. ( You don't know how she moved in? ) He needs to have a record of employment, starting NOW.
Is he still on your health insurance? Get him treatment for his depression, right away.
Give your son and his girlfriend a date (maybe 60 days) that they have to be out. They can live with friends or get a place on their own. When I dropped out of college for a semester, my dad gave me 30 days to get out of his house. He wasn't going to have a "bum" living in his home. I left and never looked back. Supported myself from that point on and went on to get a master's degree, all paid for by my hard work at multiple menial jobs. It's possible. Difficult today, but possible. Push your son out of the nest so he can learn to fly.
The friend later started a pressure washing business and was soon making over $100,000 yearly working five- or six- hour days.
It's not as easy as it was a generation ago for young people to get good jobs--many with great educations are working a crap job or two.
The self-employed tend to earn more money than employees. Your son might also look at the college degree as a starting point—it taught him how to think, write, speak and figure things out but he doesn’t have to find work in his field and could excel at many different things.
It's demoralizing being called lazy when you're not. Your son is probably depressed for several reasons. Also, it sounds like your husband may eventually need to live elsewhere.
Good luck!
Fathers dealing with sons just coming into their own adulthood... I think it's not unusual for that to be a pretty fraught time in the development of the relationship (Mark Twain had insightful things to say about it, for example). The particular difficulty here is that your husband is having to negotiate it without the aid of normal social filters, and without the reasoning skills he's been used to having in life.
It's also so upsetting for your poor son. Was he close to his Dad growing up? Plenty of healthy bonding? imagine the man who's been a good father suddenly being a complete bear, just at the time when the lad most needs support and encouragement.
Are you in touch with any support groups in your area? The thing is, I think you want a holistic approach to the family situation. I can certainly understand that you would miss your son's and his girlfriend's presence, which rather rules out advice on the lines of "go West young man"; but it sounds as if that is ultimately what he needs to do. If you can link up with other families facing comparable issues and extend your support network, he may feel freer to look further afield and you wouldn't need to be so reliant on him.
I don't mean that to sound as if I think you're keeping him at home, I'm sure you're not - I'm sure nobody would be happier than you if he landed the perfect graduate training scheme in Zanzibar. But if your son saw you making progress, he'd feel better and you'd be setting him a good example; you'd feel more confident; it could just start off a nice virtuous circle.
Getting a formal mood assessment done at the same time is a good idea, I don't disagree that there may be helpful options for your husband. But don't lay *everything* at his door.
See All Answers