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I moved in with my mom into her home 2 1/2 years ago and during that time her memory decline caused her to lose her license. I rented out my home 3 states away for 2 years and 6 weeks ago we came to my home. Our agreement was to live 6 months between our homes; however, my mom has decided she wants to stay in her home. I am dpoa and do not want to live in her home either. I suggested that we both give up our homes and find a compromise elsewhere but she will have no part of that. I want to make future plans but find she is not willing to compromise. Two doctors and a social worker have provided letters verifying that she needs 24/7 care which she cannot afford. She has enough monthly income to live comfortably and some smaller investment as well as a mortgage free home worth under 150k. What are my options to force her to leave her home or any other suggestions? My mother's other medical conditions cause additional concern regarding ability to not live alone. She is still somewhat able to do her everyday tasks so she is not that bad yet.

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She may want to stay home (naturally) but if you left & she lived alone how will she cope?

Could she arrange & pay for the help she needs to function safely in her home?

I am sorry to say it seems your Mom has lost the power to reason regarding her living arrangements.

In which case, you must do what must be done.
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This may sound selfish but in the end its what is right for you. Mom is going to get worse. Yes, she wants her own home, its familiar and for now she knows where everything is. 6 months at her place and 6 months at yours eventually will not work. It will become more and more confusing for her. If she hasn't shown signs yet she will, she will loss her ability to reason, the ability to show empathy, the ability to process what is being said. Shecwill become like a sm child and you will have to be the adult. Its not what she wants, its what she needs.

What I would do is move her closer to u in an AL. Sell her home at Market Value, Medicaid requires it. Use that money for her care in an AL. Pick one that excepts Medicaid. In my State, you private pay at least 2 yrs in an AL then apply for Medicaid. This way by the time her Dementia becomes worse, she has excepted the AL as her home and the staff as her caregivers. There does become a time when family waits too long to place someone in an AL.

You can be the loving daughter but your decisions should be based on how things will effect your life in the long run. Nice you include Mom in everything but there will come a time when u wish u had time to yourself.
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If mom has Alz and requires 24/7 care, and you are DPOA, then it's time to step up, enforce the DPOA and move mom to a place near you that you can monitor and not give up your whole life.

She may get mad, but, sheesh, if you had a dollar for every mad aging parent on this site, you could pay for a year of high end care.

Sadly, she really doesn't get a say in this anymore. You can handle it with grace, as you have obviously already done. I cannot imagine moving between 2 homes every 6 months. For one thing--that might make the ALz worse.

Sometimes it's important that we, as the 'kids' have to make tough decisions and while it makes us unpopular, our lives matter too.

Keeping mom's home will cause you to lose money, short and long run. Most people can't afford 2 homes. Sell hers and use that money for her care. I don't know how that plays out--but you can get help doing all this. It would probably be better for mom to be in ONE place.

Good Luck.
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angelalutz63 Dec 2020
Ty for your reassurance that I am doing the best thing and need to do it even without her approval.
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Hi again x. Ty for your insight. It seems my mother wants the comfort of her home and we are only 6 weeks into our original agreement. I agree that transitioning between 2 homes is not in either one of our best interests. I understand that she does not like my neighborhood and I am willing to sell to move to a new location. She has told me that once she gets home she will not leave again. I feel that the only recourse is to start house hunting for a home in a better neighborhood to maintain the peace. Her only best friend recently moved in with her daughter in Tennessee and I figured if we could get within a commutable distance from her my mom could maintain that contact with time. I want to keep her happy and comfortable as much as I can. We live very well together and I include her in everything that I do. She is not only dealing with the home changes but recently expressed that she feels she is losing her independence as well. The corona virus has put significant limits on engaging in social activities so that doesn't help matters either.
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JennaRose Dec 2020
May I ask what's wrong with your Mom's home? Is it just the neighborhood?

As far as agreements with anyone who has Alzheimer's, forget about that. My Mom will promise something and 1 hour later she has totally forgotten what she said. I don't ask her to promise me anything as she comes up with these promises or agreements all by herself because she gets angry with herself.

For example, she feels she complains too much about her daily headaches and I let her know she is not complaining at all but letting me know how she feels which is a good thing. So then she says "I promise I won't complain about my headaches anymore"...

People who suffer from Alzheimer's / dementia have broken brains. Please try to accept this. Please try to accept that she can not keep any agreements or promises.

As far as losing her independence my Mom went through that stage for about 3 years. And it's true, they do lose their independence and it has bothered my Mom that she could no longer do what she used to do. My Mom was an extremely independent person from raising 4 kids, working, owning her own business, etc.

When I sold my Mom's house it was because my Mom couldn't afford to pay the $20,000 a year in taxes anymore. If she was able to stay in her house then I would have moved in with her in her house but that was not an option.

I don't know why you want to sell your Mom's house, perhaps you could explain why.

Jenna
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So, if I understand it, you two are currently living in your house? And mom is saying she wants to go back to her house? Well, I would basically, nicely, do what you think is best for both of you.

I think the idea of spending 6 months in each of your homes is rather challenging. One place seems so much better and simpler, for both of you.

She may not be willing to compromise but if she needs 24.7 care, is she even competent to make complicated decisions like this? Seems to me that you need to figure that out first. Most people will say they want to be home (which means different things to people as their dementia progresses). That does not mean that you have to make it happen and it does not mean it is the best solution.

If she is not competent, you may have to start with some therapeutic fibs to keep her safe and calm and distracted from the things that she thinks she wants but can no longer have.

Good luck.
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I agree with AlvaDeer that your Mom is not competent to make her own decisions. She has Alzheimer's which only gets worse with time. Asking your Mom to make these decisions only puts more stress on her.

I moved my Mom (she has alzheimer's/dementia) over 4 years ago from another state and she is still confused to where she lives (her comfort is knowing that I am here with her). The best thing I can do for her is to give her stability. Any change in my Mom's life will only cause her distress which I don't want her to suffer from.

It's best for your Mom to stay in her own home where she is comfortable as well as familiar with and if you feel you can't handle being her caregiver then it's time to look into other options. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver.

Best to you and your Mom,
Jenna
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angelalutz63 Dec 2020
Ty for your support
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Your Mom has Alzheimer's and now requires according to her doctors 24/7 care. That means she is not competent to make her own decisions. Please don't put the burden on her and on yourself by pretending that she is competent to make this decision. Make the move that will work best for you in continuing to care for your Mom. If she must enter care, then her assets, whatever they are monthly will go to her care, and when she requires more care than her assets pay for medicaid will care for her. When her home is sold following her death medicaid will recover from the sale what they assess they paid into her care.
I assume you are your Mom's POA. If so you will have to act for her now in her best interest, and that means doing what will make your care of her best and easiest for you, her caregiver. So her choices are move or be placed, since you yourself don't choose to live where she is living.
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angelalutz63 Dec 2020
Ty for your insight and understanding
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