My father is 80, Vietnam veteran/marines, and is dying from lung cancer. My father has never been a happy man. Angry alcoholic, tough to the core, and mean. Extremely controlling. I’m caring for him now along with my mother. I’ve been there every day since Jan 3. 2 weeks ago he pushed me to the limit and I lost it. Crying is hated in my family. I’m the emotional one. I WANT to care for my father. I want to be there at the end to comfort him. But he rips into me, saying” are you stupid? You can’t sit down because you’re fat, you haven’t amounted to anything, he looks at me with disgust. He gives these death stares where I’m sure he wants to choke me out. I’m afraid of him. And I love him. If he lashes out at me, I feel worthless as if I shouldn’t be here. It’s worse now because he is rarely lucid. Except when he’s really angry. My mother is in denial and she frustrates me to no end. We met with hospice who said it’s definately time. Then she backed out. He needs it. We need it.
You need loving parents.
Well, you didn't get them.
You need to be treated with decency and respect.
Well, you didn't get that.
You need to be valued and they don't value you.
And the disrespect with which you are treated leads you still to be there?
Why?
You say it is because you LOVE him.
Yet I have not heard a single solitary lovable thing about him yet. I believe, good hearted as you are you may PITY him. I doubt very much that you love him as there is nothing there to love.
You told us this:
That your father is a "Angry alcoholic, tough to the core, and mean". That isn't tough. That isn't courage of any kind. That is cowardice. And a kind of rot to the core, imho.
You are an adult now.
You need now to decide where to give YOUR love and respect.
I think it is wasted on an angry, alcoholic, mean man.
Many abused people hang around hoping they will get the one thing they need, the words "I love you; I feel so lucky to have you".
I honestly can't even get to the fingers of one hand counting how many times THAT has happened in my 81 years of experience. Not from abusers.
Your father is dying. If he is dying "loved by you" then he already has much more than he deserves imho.
I hope, when he is dead, that you move on CHOOSING BETTER who you give your precious love to, because angry, mean alcoholics are not deserving of it. And choosing them is a great mistake.
You are busy now, but when he is dead I highly recommend you seek counseling to comb out a different way to move forward to a life in which you respect and love YOURSELF first. You were unlucky to be born to someone so limited he could not even muster up enough courage to be a decent and loving dad. That was luck. But moving forward your choices will dictate the beauty of your life, not luck.
I wish you the best. I am hoping you can at least celebrate the fact that your father will not have to endure a life of pain, and that you will not have to stand witness to his suffering.
You have been sold a bill of goods about parental love.
Get out and call Adult Protective Services. Let them deal with this mess.
Loving someone doesn't mean you sacrifice your mental and physical health for them. What you're doing isn't helping him and it's damaging you.
Being "tough" doesn't mean your father has to be ugly and hurtful towards you. Or that you have to accept his abuse because "that's how he is" or because he's dying. There's no acceptable excuse for your father being a miserable bully. Your love for him doesn't allow his abuse or make it okay, either. It's disgraceful and undeserved.
Stay away from the man until and unless he can act civilized towards you. He doesn't want your "comfort". Understand that and back off unless he calls for you and then decide what to do.
I'm sorry you're going thru such a thing. Sending you a hug and a prayer for you to realize you ARE a good human and worthy of so much more than you're being given from an angry and bitter old man.
I would agree with others that the only real way to be helped is to leave the situation, there is no real middle ground withe people like that.
But it sounds like you have made the decision to stay, for what you believe to be good reasons. The rest of us can agree or disagree with that but it is your decision. But the cost of that decision is you will continue to be abused like you describe. I dont see how you can stay and not be abused.
The good news in a way is if he could even qualify for hospice, the end is in sight
You are a precious, valuable, kindhearted, and considerate human being. Even if you didn't have all those desirable traits, you would be worthy of respect JUST BY BEING BORN HUMAN. You have a right to your feelings as well as to the expression of your emotions. You have a right to protect yourself from those who would do you harm, and that includes your dad. I'm not sure where mom is in this mess, but I sense that she hasn't protected you from him, possibly ever. If that's the case, you might consider letting her tough it out all by herself.
If mom isn't up for hospice, I hope she's in touch with the VA. If Bad Dad could at least go to one of their facilities, he'd be out of the house with full-time professional care. You can help mom by volunteering to call the VA in your area and getting in touch with a representative who will come to you to let you know what perks are open to your dad. In my area, I contact them through the county courthouse, veterans services department.
When you post again, please tell me why you love this person. I'm finding that really difficult to understand.
my father can read people in about 30secs. And usually he’s right. I’ve always feared my dad, but looked up to him at same time
Let mom come out of her denial to get hospice help.
There is no need for you to subject yourself to this level of abuse making you feel bad about yourself.
Let mom, the one that does not want Hospice in to help do the caregiving that you have been doing.
Back off.
If you are being threatened, verbally abused walk away.
Has your dad been in the VA "system"?
It is very possible that the VA will provide caregivers to help out.
And there is a VERY good possibility that he is due some compensation for what may quite possibly be "Service Connected Disabilities"
PLEASE contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine if he qualifies for help and if so how much.
Maybe they will also help him to calm down.
Your father will not change whether you love him and want to help him. Do not wait for his acceptance and approval.
You need to accept yourself by working on your self esteem, nobody can take away your self worth unless you allow them.
But you need to start now, leave anytime he starts yelling or putting you down.
And please right away seek therapy. Don’t wait until he dies.
He is not alone, he has your Mom. Hospice would help because they will give him anxiety meds to calm him down. Morphine for pain Tylenol will not work on.
When he starts on you, walk away.
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