Hi. I write this completely at my wits end. My parents live in a home I own. I lived in filth with them growing up. I inherited the family home after my grandfathers passing. A few years later my husband and I relocated out of state due to his work. Also for note, I’m and only child.
when we moved my parents lived in a trailer that wa a falling apart. Holes in the floor, washing dishes in the tub. I could go on. To give them a better place to be, I had them move in to my home and pay the mortgage and bill. This got them out of where they were and worked for all of us.
they no longer pay for the house. That’s stopped years ago. My husband and I have paid their bills, paid off their car, bought groceries.
Over the last 10 years they have completely destroyed this home. Floors are disgusting. Never clean, grease up and down the kitchen walls, mice all over. My mother has ruined her room by literally using the floor as a toilet. I have offered so many times to move where I am, to find them other housing. They refuse. I tried to maintain the house the best I could when I would visit but it was to no avail. I would come back to visit and it was just worse.
yes there are mental health issues at play. Always have been, but neither of them will get the help they need. I have urged for so much care and change and they will not budge.
I want them to leave. I want to sell this house and recoup what I can from the house. It was supposed to be to go towards retirement and to help care for them.
I feel guilty so many times. I’m a functional person. I keep a clean home. I’m able to do things to enjoy life. They sit in the house and rot and so does the house at that matter. I feel guilty bc I feel I should be doing more, but I can’t keep giving and nothing change. No care for the home they are in. I don’t even tell them I’m going on vacation bc I feel guilty spending that money when they have none. ( Yes, I’m in therapy)
we have tried to apply for state assistance as they can barely keep money in the bank even with just the small amount of bills they have. They made too much money and got about 10.00 in food stamps.
I need help. I need to know if anyone has options/thoughts of things I haven’t. They can’t seem to afford housing, they do not work and they are retired and disabled. Their health is terrible.
I have rambled and I’m sorry if I jumped around. I’m just so lost at the moment.
thank you
Begin eviction procedures.
You keep enabling your parents and expecting them to be 1) grateful and 2) different than who they really are. They are never going to do either of those 2 things.
Find them a crappy trailer and move them out of your house and stop helping them in any other way. Report them to social services when they need help. Stop giving them money -- tell them to contact social services even if you think they won't qualify for anything.
They are full-grown adults who had their whole lives to plan for their sunset years. This is the retirement they planned for. Let them have it. Anything less is unfair to your own family, your #1 priority.
May you receive wisdom, courage and peace in your heart.
Hoarding is a mental illness and until your parents get help for that, things will never change.
And the fact that you have spent your own money on them trying to keep up the façade of them being "independent" is mind boggling as well. And the fact that you let them move into your house knowing that they were hoarders also boggles my mind. What were you thinking?
Just because you are an only child doesn't mean that you are responsible for your parents or their care.
You need to now just call APS(Adult Protective Services)and share with them what you've told us here, and let them come out and do an assessment and take over your parents care. They will get them both placed in the appropriate facility and be responsible for them.
That way you will be able to stop enabling your parents as that doesn't help anyone.
And most definitely continue with your therapy, though you may need to find a new therapist as it doesn't sound like the one you have now is doing a very good job.
I'm sorry that you will now get next to nothing for the home you inherited because your mentally ill parents have ruined it and have taken away good money from you that could have been used for your retirement. That is just so wrong on so many levels, yet you went into this with eyes wide opened, so you must accept responsibility here as well.
Your parents are grown a$$ adults and you must learn to let them lie in the bed that they have made. So call APS today and get that ball rolling so the state can then take over this very sad and sick situation.
And your answer?
Give them a house to ruin.
OK. It is ruined. So THAT'S done.
Now what?
You are a grown up with a decent life. You have had the courage not to follow in the footsteps of those who raised you. Do read Liz Scheier's memoir, Never Simple. Her mother was mentally challenged and she wasted DECADE OF HER LIFE attempting to save her. She was smart. Enlisted the help of the social services of the city and state of New York. All to no avail. All to no avail. All to no avail.
Now.
The choice is YOURS. And whatever choice you make you are responsible for. Either save yourself and move on with a good, solid decent life in which people who are good, solid and decent people live ...........................OR......................jump onto this burning funeral pyre. But know. No one will be responsible for your choice. No one will thank you. No one will think you're wonderful and admirable.
I think you may want to consider firing your therapist if you have long been with him or her and be sure to hire on a GOOD COGNITIVE therapist who will help you change your thinking. Because this sort of thing can go one forever. And can become generational. And is a terrible waste.
Jean Louise is right. Your property is gone. You gave it away. That's done with.
Want to sacrifice more? Everyone will let you.
Believe it or not I am so very sorry. But I am sorry for your choices. Your parents are not well. That won't change (no matter how many therapists get involved). And you have made poor choices that are self harming.
Maybe read this answer to your therapist. And ask him or her "How do you FEEL about this". They will spend an hour or so telling you how angry I am and how much help I need and then will collect 200.00 from you. Or from some insurance company.
I truly DO care about you. I truly do hope you leave this mess and go on to a solid great life of thriving. And I believe you can do it. Do me a favor and ask your therapist "Do you truly believe I can, despite my parents' choices, move on to a good, solid and reasonably happy life?" I would love to know his/her answer.
I am sorry that they ruined your house but, they will ruin the next one too. Are you willing to pay for that again? Are you willing to ruin someone else's property to this degree? You shouldn't be.
Why do they not have money when you are and have been paying their bills? My rule of financial help is; all of your money is accounted for and we do a budget. I see and am privy to ALL of your finances or I don't open my checkbook. I can tell you that 95% of the time, people have enough money they just piss it away. I encourage you to make them account for and prove to you where their money goes before you continue propping them up.
If your mom uses the floor as a toilet maybe she needs to be institutionalized, something is far gone wrong for an adult to do this behavior. Maybe your dad needs to be institutionalized as well, he contributes and is okay with it all, he's far gone too.
Please, whatever you do, don't move them to someone else's property to destroy, that is far gone wrong to even consider doing to another. Especially considering you know what it feels like and they are your parents and you knew what to expect. Imagine a landlord finding out because their property is destroyed. Just wrong.
Sometimes we can not help our parents, we just have to step away and let them fail so the authorities can step in and force change. Seems to me that is where you are standing.
My childhood was a mess too and I understand how important setting that baggage down is for your peace of mind. You can do it. Get the legal ball rolling and close that door for good.