Help with dealing with elderly parent's drinking problem. Are we allowed to do this?

Lets say the shoe is on the other foot. I paid room and board when I lived home. Does that mean that my parents should allow me to smoke and drink because I pay R&B. I will tell you now, that would not have flown. My parents house, my parents rules. If you don't like it, there is the door.

There is nothing "legal" about it. ITS YOUR HOUSE! And thats what our parents need to realize when they live with a child.

Smaller issue, but similar .. I needed to buy a larger SUV to haul Mom and Aunts stuff around. Mom wanted to contribute. It quickly became clear that she though if she gave some money she could smoke in the new car. I told her no way.. no smoking in the new car. She came around .. but it was dicey for a bit.

Thanks Joann. I do appreciate your insight. Mainly I am trying to determine legally if we can ask for no drinking in our household being that she put money into the renovations. We have consulted an attorney and got some additional legal insight. Thanks again

Dexpending on her addiction it may be dangerous for her to go cold turkey at home. Definitely talk to her doctor about this.

If you own the place you can absolutely make it a no alcohol policy. People do this with smoking. If they say no smoking in the house and they own the place, then it's no smoking in the house. That doesn't mean the residents of the house quit smoking.
You say your mother and has developed a drinking problem.
She's been an alcoholic for a long time. It's new to you not her. I know alcoholism and addiction all too well. I'm not an alcoholic or addict, but I've had it in my life for as long as I've lived. Your mom's been an active alcoholic for a long time but was able to hide it. Now maybe she can't anymore.
She isn't going to stop drinking because you make a rule that alcohol isn't allowed in the house. I've known drunks and addicts who hide their hooch or drugs out in the shed. Or who will tape a bottle to the inside of an outdoor trash can. Or who fill a water bottle with vodka so they can walk around with and have it in the car. I had a family member who used to hide her crack pipe and heroin syringes by taping them under the canopy of the baby carriage. Drunks and junkies always find a way.
Your mother will still get drunk. You and your family will still have to deal with alcoholic behavior from her even of you outlaw it in your home.
I hate to say this, but letting your alcoholic mother move into your house is a mistake because you will become her enablers that will enable her to stay active in her alcoholism. You think not, but you will.
If you're still determined to have her live with you, make her complete an in-patient drug and alcohol rehabilitation program first. Then a written agreement for regular attendance at AA meetings as a condition of living in your home.

Your response this morning makes me think there may have been a discussion and she has chosen to move out but I may be reading too much into it. I wonder if perhaps her desire to pay for an addition to get her own “area” was an attempt at preempting your stance on the drinking in your house. I agree with the responder who said they suspect her drinking problem existed long before she moved in with you, it may be something you can end but it may not be too. Having had alcoholics in the family I know a little about the hurtles… and honestly if she has been binge drinking a good portion of her adult life at this point in her life I’m not sure asking her to give it up entirely makes sense. Helping her minimize her intake however certainly does for both her health and yours but it’s apt to take time and adjustment on both of your parts.

It sounds like you know your line in the sand, that’s a good thing, no drinking in your house and that includes her wing or area of your house. If she doesn’t want to live within that rule that’s her choice and if that’s the one she makes maybe it’s the perfect time to explore senior living that has step up options so maybe an apartment or condo that has AL and MC options on the same campus if something like that is available in your area. She has already made the big move out of her home so taking this opportunity to minimize change of living environment in the future might be a silver lining in all of this.

Please try not to take her choice personally if her line in the sand is not giving up the liquor, it’s her disease making the choice and it may be more than one disease contributing but certainly a discussion with her health care provider will have a better chance of being helpful that simply duking it out with her yourself. Even if you get her to ask her healthcare provider about it to prove you wrong about what is ok and what isn’t, it gets the job done and might help at least address any other underlying issues (depression) that might be contributing as well as putting others this can contribute to (diabetes, liver and circulation…) on the medical radar.

I sure hope you can both find the positives in this process and not allow your differences or her disease to do irreparable damage to your relationship. Good luck

If you haven't already done so, contact her primary health care provider and talk to him/her about the alcohol use. There are some office based screenings for depression and anxiety that help assess mood, and also one to assess use of alcohol. The medical guideline for people over 60 is that 'safe' use of alcohol is
1 standard drink/day for men and women, and 'binge' drinking for men as 3 standard drinks and for women as 2 standard drinks on any occasion.
A standard drink is 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine, 1.5 ounces of hard liquor, 4 ounces of sherry or cordial.
Approaching this as a health issue first and trying to gain some cooperation from her - as her MD recommends this for her health - may be more effective than a confrontation.
Research substance abuse locations in your area and see what the options are for people over 65. Sending her off to rehab may be more complicated than you expect, even if she is in agreement.
You are all in a tough situation. Good luck.

Is there no drinking allowed in your house by anyone? Do you think she's an alcoholic? Are you going to send her to rehab because if she's an alcoholic she isn't just going to be able to stop. Is her drinking causing her to act out and/or damage things in your home? My dad used to live with us and drank more than I liked but didn't cause any actual problems so I just ignored it. I do realize that this is not always possible.

Did your mom already invest money in your home? This is certainly complicated. How does she get her money back if she needs to live elsewhere? You'd have to pay her back? I thought of having my mom do the same here but decided it was too messy in the long run.

This is YOUR home, whether she has invested $ in it or not, it's still your home. You have the right to state your beliefs and ground rules. (If you have already started the reno and ahven't discussed this with her, I'd suggest you do it NOW).

MY BIL was a chain smoker. Like, He literally could not NOT have a lit cigarette in his mouth. He'd come to my house and my DH would say "Oh, it's not that bad (yes it was) and he's my BROTHER, so I think we should let him smoke. And it's freezing outside."

I was pregnant with our first baby and knew if I didn't take a stand, I would always be 2nd place to this idol of a brother. I told him he was welcome to stand outside and smoke as much as he needed to but in our home, no, that was not allowed. (I was kind about it). BIL handled it fine, DH was furious.

BIL quit smoking 30 years ago, thank goodness, when his first child was born.

And yep, I was the 'baddy' for refusing to let him smoke in my home. He also was not allowed to drink in our home. He was respectful--hopefully after the intervention, your mom will be also.

If there is any possibility that Mom will need Medicaid in the next 5 years, she cannot pay for the renovation. Medicaid will see that as gifting. You profit from that add on when you sell the house.

I have heard of Seniors turning to alchohol later in life but I think Mom probably had a problem before she came to live with you. She was just good at hiding it.

If she has enough money, I would find a nice Assisted Living or Independent living if she is fully able to care for herself. This could be used as a threat, you don't stop drinking then u will need to live somewhere else. Your house, your rules.