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I am the primary caregiver to my mom. She broke her coccyx bone after a fall on June 1st. She should be healed by now. She has no other diagnoses except for lack of better terms stubbornness. She wants to be served three meals a deal and snacks etc etc. she is quite capable of doing this herself but won't. And when confronted about it, she says she is in pain from her broken bone and goes to lie down. I just broke my leg. I can not put weight on it. I can't not cook a normal dinner. It's pretty much self serve around here. My sons have been doing laundry since it's in basement and I can't hobble there. Mom is complaining that I should do laundry everyday I reminded her I have a broken leg, she replies with go down stairs on your butt.
I am at the point where I have Visiting nurses coming in this week to evaluate her in her home to see if she can go back with part time aides. One brother is against this (who lives local and hasn't help all)
I can't not food shop, get her to dr appts. My hubby has to leave work to drive her. This is not his not my sons responsibly! How do I get brother to help out more!?!

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If I was in your position, I would tell her "Fine mom, you stay HERE and I will go to Assisted Living " and I would enjoy every minute.
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Wow! Thank you everyone for your support. I greatly appreciate it. I will post an update tomorrow night on how the evaluation went.
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Just to clarify my previous post (I was typing outside in the sun); if the person evaluating your mom says she's not fit to stay by herself, make SURE that the person who is taking mom to her home for the eval. knows and understands that they are NOT to bring mom back to your house. That you cannot provide care for her. If that's what you've decided. It would be what I would do in this situation. You have to put your own life vest on first.
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Oh, this sounds like my Mother. She broke her shoulder 12 years ago. She went to rehab for it and was in a private pay NH. She lived at home after that, but every day said she "had a broke shoulder."

My sister was completely disabled with RA, and mother has outlived her. Long story short, Mother lived alone, broke some ribs, went to hospital and was told that she could not live alone. She is now thriving at the NH. She likes being waited on.

You need to take care of yourself. Mom needs to go. Now.

I do not blame siblings that do not help. Having people hover over her is only prolonging the problem. Tell relatives not to say "I think you should....." to you, unless they want to take her for 30 days.
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Molly. There is a lovely thread on this board about how to evict your mother, if it comes to that. I assume someone is taking mom to her home for the evaluation. If that person says that she is not safe to stay alone, make sure that person does not bring mom back to your house. Make it clear that your are injured and that you cannot provide care for her. At worst you drop her at er or on brother's doorstep. Just have a plan in place. Don't let them or her guilt you into something that is deleterious to your recovery.
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Next time the noncontributing brother comes over and starts telling your mother she doesn't need to do things, tell him you're glad he came because those things need to be taken care of and you know he'd love to pitch in and help.
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Eyeirshlass---your last comment had me laughing!! Never thought of getting back upstairs!! Opps!
Thanks for making me smile! I needed that
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Hi! Thanks for the support! Mom has just been given a prescription for evaluation (skilled nursing at home) that takes place tomorrow at her house. This took us over 6 weeks to pull off. I only just broke my leg last week so I am glad I started this process back then. My big issue is Mom. She is already stressing about evaluation. Complaining she doesn't want it done. And one brother (I have two) is telling her she doesn't have to if she doesn't want too. Ummm..there is a request by a Neurosurgeon for this!!!! I can no longer care for her in my house. I have my teenage sons helping me out already, they also have helped with Grandma. They have helped more than my brother. I have no problem with my sons helping out here and there, but with me being "useless" moms care has fallen on them. There is no reason why she can not go home with aides. Or to assisted living. But brother keeps putting in her head she doesn't have to leave my house, or do anything to help around here either. He has told her to take it easy. She won't even fold her own laundry, or put her dishes in sink to help pitch in. She is capable, it's not that she can't do...she won't do it. She also doesn't eat well. She promised dr a month ago she would eat a min of 1000 calories a day. She tops out at 600!!! She refuses to eat anymore. Saying she gets bloated etc etc. she is 5'6" and 97 lbs. She is suppose to go back to an oncologist for melanoma treatment but they have told her she needs to gain weight!
I really hope the Visiting Nurses can come up with a plan to help out. I just can't anymore!
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Unfortunately, you can't get your brother to help out more. He's either willing or he isn't. If he knows your leg is broken and that you are mom's caregiver and he still doesn't pitch in don't wait for him to come around. Discount him and look for other options. There's nothing you can do to change your brother.

You need some assistance. Can a home health aide come in to help with your mom's stuff? At least you can make sure she's taken care of and then you can heal and not have to worry about her demands that you slide down the stairs on your butt to do the laundry. How are you supposed to get back up for Heaven's sake??
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I see you also posted on another thread that your mother won't bathe on a regular basis, and that she's "at the start of undiagnosed dementia."

Who made this "undiagnosis"? Perhaps it's time for a real diagnosis so short and long term treatment can be addressed.
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Dear God, your first responsibility is to yourself. Next to your children and husband. Have Mom evaluated in her home. If she capable of living on her own, then home health (temporary aides for housekeeping and PT, visiting nurse for pain management assessment) then she should be doing so. You were kindness itself to bring her to live with you while she recuperated, but that period is over now. A little tough love is in order here. Go down the stairs on your butt? "I couldn't think of doing that" is the automatic answer to that!
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The problem of nonassistive siblings is one which seems to appear quite frequently here. From what I've seen, unfortunately there doesn't seem to be an effective solution because some siblings are just not going to help, regardless of how many times and/or how nicely they're asked.

So I'd suggest looking elsewhere, i.e., outside for paid help or help as prescribed by your mother's orthopedic doctor.

Mom needs a reality check as well; she's not helping the situation. Frankly, anyone who told me to go downstairs on my butt to do laundry would not be living with me much longer, mother or not. That kind of rudeness is not acceptable nor should it be tolerated.

Ask the visiting nurses about temporary respite for your mother until you heal,

If the nonparticipating brother disagrees with a facility placement, send him a list of everything that needs to be done, ask him what he INTENDS to do to participate, and tell him that starting date is immediately. He probably will get mad; let him.

And document all your contact with him as to caring for your mother because it wouldn't surprise me if later he complains about her treatment. Then you can pull out your list and show that on such and such a date you asked for help, which was never forthcoming.

Ask the visiting nurses what kind of help is available for in-home, if respite out of your home is not. It's time to focus on healing your own leg and let Mom become more appreciative if she wants to stay with you.

If you don't take action now, the situation will only get worse. It's up to you to make this happen. Good luck.
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