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she is very argumentative..She always sees the worst case scenario with everything..I've spent years in therapy to overcome her verbally abusive nature..having her here is stirring up memories of a dangerous explosive childhood..my brother and I both recall a time when she tried to drown us..I confronted her with this..she denies it..my dad prevented this..at times she is pleasant..I struggle to be kind...I know God expects me to help her..and I will..she says..I'm not welcome here..and weeps..I tell her she is..but her attitude is not..maybe I need more counseling..she refuses any help..

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The senior apartments she s applying for is based on income..it's new..safe..and in her former neighborhood...if she falls within the income guidelines..she's in..sadly there is a waiting list...maybe 6 months..but maybe less....hopefully...
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Thank you..for your well timed response...I had a rough day with her..while helping her fill out some paperwork..when she persisted on being rude and argumentative..I said..you know what..I can't help you when you treat me like this..you'll have to work on it by yourself ..and I walked away...left her to it...and as I thought she couldnt complete it..I'll finish it up tomorrow..We have an appointment the 18th to fill out her application for senior housing..I pray it will work out ..and if not I WILL find a place that will...even knowing she probably has mental issues..and some dementia...it's hard not to be upset ..I need my peace back..my soul purpose is getting the legal paperwork done ASAP..so that I can get her in her own place..while I can still like her...feeling overwhelmed..afraid if I start crying I won't stop..thank you for reaching out..I will reread all the great wise advise given by everyone..a real lifesaver!
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Don't dwell on resenting her. Focus on getting her out of your house so that you can get on with your life.

You are a natural at caregiving. Your vocation earned you a living. One of the many important things I have learned on my journey in caregiving is objectivity. Reread Babalou and WindyRidge's posts because they are so well written and heartfelt.

Don't plan too far ahead. Plan for the next year or two and then see where she is. But if she's anything like my FIL she will benefit greatly from having meals cooked for her, weekly housekeeping, and onsite activities and exercises. Start touring places next weekend. See how many places have visitors for Valentine's Day weekend.

Get the brochure from each place and ask for their monthly charge for the smallest unit they have. What exactly does that monthly charge include? Figure out what your mother can afford. Then you match your mother's budget to the best place she can afford and this time take her with you to check it out. Figure out the two or three most important things for your mother to have because you will definitely not be providing them for her. Weekly housekeeping? Laundry service? Transportation? Meals? You can get your mother into a safe, permanent living arrangement. Make sure your mother signs any and all paperwork or you get power of attorney and sign "attorney in fact for" for her.

And always remember that it's not how you start but how you finish that matters.
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Also..I should add..I am retired..63 years old..and my vocation was..guess what...a care giver with Hospice..VNA..and with several nursing homes..as a personal care attendant
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That's helpful advice..I will check that out for sure..I think the fact that I tried to make my environment as safe as I could as a child..which obviously I couldn't...is why I still have a sense..misplaced, I realize, responsibility. Not healthy..it has to be senior housing..her present home is falling into disrepair ..which she cannot afford..and the neighborhood is becoming unsafe..once I get her somewhere safe I will definitely check out what resources are available ..but move out..she must..as quickly as I can arrange it..she's trying to be more cooperative..but I need her on her own..I resent her
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You can call your local Area Agency on Aging and see what services would be available to her in her own home. There may be considerable help available, depending upon where she lives. You won't know until you ask. Keeping her in your home appears to be making you both miserable, so it doesn't really seem like a solution.

I've sometimes noticed on this board that it's the children of very dysfunctional families who think that it's their duty to do hands on caregiving.

My mom was one of those folks...she made herself and us miserable taking care of my grandmother, and I vowed I would not fall in the same trap and apparently my brothers did the same.

Mom, bless her heart, never brought up the idea of living with any of us when she could no longer be at home. So if kids who love their parents can say. "mom, I need to work, raise my family and live on my own", why can't you do that as well? Give it a try.
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My thoughts and prayers for you as well...I keep telling myself I can't go down that road of despair...I have worked..and still work to be positive..words are very powerful...self pity and negativity get you nowhere do they? And I have said the very words you have...she is her own worst enemy..my brother says ..take her back home and let her be miserable..I can't do that..my husband is a blessing..but hates what this is doing to me..the doom and gloom is like poison to the soul..I can't travel that road..I'm learning to walk away...I have to be able to live with myself when she passes...and I do want her to have her last years be peaceful..
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My mother has been like that - constantly negative and uncooperative (although she was a pretty good mother when we were kids). But she's always been a malcontent. For the past ten years my sister has dragged a friend or neighbor with her whenever she seems Mom. She can't stand to be alone with her. Pam is right - don't visit her alone - she will behave better with someone else there. And do what my sister did, warn her if she starts with the negativity you are leaving, and then leave if she doesn't stop.
My husband would not go with me to see Mom as he can't stand the doom and gloom attitude. I had to go alone each time - I can sympathize with you - its horrible listening to the stream of complaints. Mom never recognized she is her own worst enemy. Now she is too old to reason with. Good luck.
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Thank you..everyone..at least I don't feel so isolated..or guilty...I am working as hard as I can to get her as independant as I can..where she will be safe..with a life of her own..and I know I need to return to therapy...I thought the past was behind me..I have been setting boundaries with her..telling her right now I'm working on this or that...I'll help you later..usually it's paperwork she frets over...today she was telling me she's going to this or that w her banking I just said..ok..whatever ..as a child had to take care of her and a dad..when they would hit each other and throw things...I was the fixer..I can't do it anymore
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If you feel broken, you should probably go back to therapy.

Caregiving is brutal when you LIKE the person. When they've tried to kill you, as a small child...I can't imagine.

Your mother is clearly mentally ill. I don't see how you think you're "judging"her. You are evaluating, as adults do, the capability and capacity of an elderly adult to take care of themselves. You'd be irresponsible if you DIDN'T think in a critical way about her skills.

But here's the thing. Taking care of a person that abused you as a child is dangerous for you. It's dangerous for your mental health and for your ability to think clearly about her needs.

You really need to put on your own oxygen mask here. As your mother deteriorates, the level of care she's going to need is going to increase. It's much better to start that transition now, while she's got some capacity to adjust and make friends, participate in activities.

When your mom says cruel, manipulative things like, "I'm not wanted here", either keep silent or agree with her. Don't argue. Just "I can't do this anymore, mom". That's all you need to say.

I know this is hard. I don't envy you your childhood or your current situation. But you honor your mother best by getting her into a compassionate care situation where she can't do any more damage than she already has in her life.
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I fear you are right...my heart is in a knot..my chest hurts...I hate to judge a mentally ill person..my brother confirmed to me last night...he also remembers when we were very small..she shoved our heads under the tub water..he says my dad grabbed her by the arm and threw her against the door..I forgot that part..I always told myself..she wouldn't really have completed the act..but my brother says that's not the case..lump in my throat...it makes my feel broken...today she's being sweet...but somehow...I don't trust her..she flips...I pray everyday I am not like her...I have an appointment w a senior housing person very soon...but I am sinking fast...after the 18th she has no more appointments and she will go to my brothers for awhile...I can't let her return to her home..it's not safe there
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You need to make a decision. If you are going to survive and have a life this woman must be removed from you house and your life. She tried to drown you?! I know the emotional/spiritual feeling can be strong but you need to let reality guide you in this crisis. While you may get strength from your beliefs, and that's a good thing, this is not a spiritual problem. It's a survival problem. Take action to save yourself.
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Unfortunately..she is living with my husband and I...for now....my stepdad passed away in January...she doesn't drive..has arthritis..legally blind in one eye..I couldn't leave her in her home..was unsafe and unclean..I feel morally obligated to at least get her to senior housing...I feel she is mentally ill...and maybe some dementia ...my defense guard is up...I feel cruel at times..actually I don't like her much...she acts out around my husband too...he backs me 100 percent...I appreciate your answer...but I feel stuck...my brother is going to give me a break in a week or so..I'm doing legal paperwork for her following my stepdads death..emptying out her home..cooking..cleaning..etc..so..I want to help but..it's very difficult..I pray a lot!!
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Ask your counselor, and I bet the advice is to walk away from a destructive situation. Only you can save yourself. Never visit her alone; she will behave better in front of others. Visit no more than an hour; if she gets nasty, explain you must go now, and GO.
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