Help please. My marriage is hanging by a thread since we started being my father's caregiver.

He's only 48???? And end stage liver failure? He must have been an alcoholic for a very long time.

Nobody will judge you for getting your dad healthy again--most of us would have brought a seriously ill father into our homes--for a period of time, but not at the detriment of the rest of the family.

I like the idea of the nice dinner--and the ultimatum. IDO NOT give him another chance., It seems mean, I know to kick a person who is so ill (but so ungrateful) out of your life, but it happens all the time.

A dear little friend of mine has POA over her alcoholic father, She finally got tough with him 2 years ago, sold his hoarded, rodent filled home., took over his finances and moved him to a small studio apartment. She takes care of all his needs, but does it all in one half day a week. She is sick of his alcoholism and the drain it took on her, all her life. He is dying and she is done with him. He simply will not stop drinking and she is done caring about it. She has a small family and they come first.

Only you can choose how much you want to be in his life. AS POA you can either have that enacted and take over your father as his court appointed guardian or have it given to someone else.

What your older sister says doesn’t help you at all, so smile and disregard.

You are not “his last hope”. He’s already chosen to expend that promise on booze, and you know that he DOESN’T care.

His caring does NOT make him your job. Put him into a residential setting, wait two weeks for him to adjust, plan a ten minute visit, and if he behaves as he was while he was freeloading in your home, LEAVE and give him another 5 minute visit.

Third time if he STILL isn’t behaving is THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT.

To ignite, or tomorrow night at the very latest, make a nice dinner for you and your husband, explain to him that you’re taking your life back, and tell him how very much you love him for putting up with your father as long as he has.

THEN DO IT! Your life, and your baby’s life, and your older child’s life, are ALL WORTH IT.

Caring for someone who is not grateful or respectful IS NOT.

Bunches of hugs and good luck to you. Have courage, and give yourself and your family the freedom that you and they deserve.

Thank you. I'm sorry I know I'm not classified as a "real caregiver" to most of y'all but I did what they doctors were saying was his best case. And I guess I did something right I helped him from the state of barely being able to walk with a walker or eat to now he's walking. Everywhere. I will talk to my husband again tonight and we will do what's best for us. My mom always said my biggest problem was I always want to help everyone even the ones that can't be saved. I guess she was right. Thank you all so much for your honesty and advice.

PoA stands for Power of Attorney. You should look it up on this website or legalzoom.com to understand this legal document and arrangement. The doc your uncle had you sign doesn't sound right, since it's usually done at a lawyer's office or in front of a notary with 2 non-family witnesses and your dad has to be one of the signers if its for him. Did the document make you or your uncle the alleged PoA? You may need to find this out. I would have you and your husband be a united front to your dad or other family. Pack your dad's stuff and drop him off at the ER (you don't have to tell him that's where you're taking him). To avoid further pressure and drama, don't let other family know. If your dad or the hospital calls you to come get him, tell them you are pregnant and unable to care for him and that he is an "unsafe discharge". Just keep telling them "unsafe discharge". Refuse to take him back no matter what they say to you. If family doesn't like what you did then you can politely tell them they can house and feed and pay for and wipe him. But not you. This is called a boundary. Social services will find placement for him. Then exhale and know that you've done the best thing for you, your family AND for him. Blessings!

What do I do though? I'm so frazzled I dont even know how to start with any of it. Do I just pack his stuff and tell him to go? I don't even know what the poa stuff is my uncle brought me the paperwork and said I need to sign it and then he notarized it. I was in a star of fear that he was actually dying that I just went through motions at that time. But I know y'all are right.

Your father has end stage cirrhosis of the liver and his days are numbered. There is nothing you can do to save his life, but there IS something you can do to save YOUR life, your marriage, and the health of your unborn baby & your 7 year old child. And that is to remove your father from your home, place him in a Skilled Nursing Facility where he will be properly cared for until the end. You can VISIT him as often as you'd like, without bearing the burden of the strain he's placing on you and your family. And if he threatens suicide again before he leaves for the nursing home, call 911 immediately and ask that he be taken into the hospital for evaluation. Then refuse to accept him back into your home.

I understand that you want to save your father, but you can't do that. He's chosen his life and he's chosen the way he's going to die. It's unfortunate that he's made these life choices, but he has. Now don't let him drag YOU down with him.

Just remember that you will not stop being his daughter once he moves out of your home; you will just stop being his 'crash pad' and his doormat. You don't deserve that. He may be in a state of mind where he 'can't help it', but let him it 'not be able to help it' elsewhere. You've done enough.

Best of luck!

Please get this man out of your home, your children don’t deserve to live with this. Don’t sacrifice your marriage for a father who is only using you. I realize this is painful, but the rest of the family is refusing a place to come for valid reasons

I am his POA.

"I know he would probably be better off where he wasn't around children"

The children will be better off if they aren't around him.

Are you his guardian? His POA/HCPOA?

When I wrote it up I thought it was in here. Sorry I must have written over it. He went from his heartattack in 2013, to severe, brink of death is how the doc put it, case of pancreatitis in 2017 I think it was and then again in 2018 but the one last year he actually wasn't drinking it actually happened while he was in a rehab and they never explained what exactly happened. End of 2018 he left state last year he came back and I found him in a hotel room and he was yellow and couldn't move. Couldn't eat couldn't drink water nothing was staying down. We took him to the hospital and he spent months in there being treated for cirrhosis of the liver, a case of sepsis, pneumonia and another infection I can't tenner the name of. They thought for sure he was going to die. I have a 7 year old right now with another one on the way and at first when he came home last September everything was fine but when he got more mobile and the doctor said he still needed care but not constant care everything changed. Bottom line doctor won't let him work hes at end stage for his cirrhosis and we know he is going to die. Could be a few months could be a few years. He is running off and acting like a teenager in my eyes, best way I can explain it. I know he would probably be better off where he wasn't around children but at the time I was scared if he was out there alone I would hear that he died on the streets alone. You're right I know what I need to do but I'm so unsure how to go about it. I took care of my grandma from the say she got sick until she took her last breath. I always we running to my father when he almost died and nursed him back to health because in my heart I thought it was the right thing to do. Now I don't know. My husband says we need to kick him out but I don't know where he'd go because right now no one will take him. He has 4 other siblings alive 2 are retired and even they won't even help me even before things got worse. Everything got handed to me and my older Sister can't help because she lives in another state with her husband and 3 kids.

Did you know that maternal stress can affect your baby before it's born?

You owe so much more to your husband and baby than you do to your father. You do not have to be his ....what? Caregiver? Why is he living in your house? Does he have a job? All you've said is that he had a heart attack brought on by his stress and drinking. Is he still drinking?

Well, he certainly doesn't care who he drags down with himself. Doesn't this speak volumes? Please...your immediate family comes first. He has had his opportunities to make choices for his life and this is what he's choosing. Even if he has mental illness (which I don't believe anyone chooses), there is only so much you can do for him. Open your eyes and see that what the family has been doing is practicing dysfunction. It's NOT helping him, it is what's keeping him sick. And please don't make him any other relative's problem, either. I'm not sure he'll go into a nursing home as he is too young. Let the county take guardianship over him and they will make sure he is living somewhere (possibly a group home?) or in-patient rehab. His family is obviously not actually helping him recover or improve, so now you must try something healthier. Dear SaraBear, you must look at yourself now and consider that you are co-dependent to a very sick person. Is this what you want for your husband and child? Your father is a grown man and must now reap the consequences and other family members must stop enabling this dysfunction for the sake of the future generation of your family. May you gain wisdom and peace in your heart over what you need to do.

Sarabear, OMG he’s only 48! You don’t tell us if he has diagnosed physical or mental health problems, other than his drinking. Without that he may not be nursing home material but he definitely doesn’t have to be in your house. I assume he works and has an income? Even if meager he should be in low income housing. There are places for him to go, but that’s not your problem! He’s freaking 48! He’s not elderly! He’s not a dependent! He’s a grown man, and he’s not your problem! It’s time to get him gone and save your marriage. This isn't the environment to bring a baby into. Tell him he needs to be gone before the baby comes. “No room, too much to handle, another mouth to feed...blah,blah,blah, whatever.” That would be a good deadline. Ask your husband for help. You have no obligation to destroy your marriage for him.

You want to bring an innocent baby into this mess? Lose your marriage b/c of dad?

You owe dad nothing. Find a placement for him and move him out. He shouldn't be too shocked by the fact you can do this.

You cannot change him or his behavior, but you can change yours.

Dad is toxic--and using you. You asked and answered your own question.

Good Luck and take care.

I think you know what you need to do. You're actually telling us exactly what you make of your situation, that you're afraid you're about to lose what is really important to you, meaning, your happiness. That means you know that you need to stop caretaking for your father. If he's in your house, get him out. Enlist your husband to help. If your father has always been like this, then there is absolutely nothing you can do to change him.

You must concentrate on yourself. No one else can do that for you. If you lose your happiness right now because of someone else's terrible life and outlook, that would be such a pity.