My father-in-law and mother-in-law smoke in their home. We want to help them out, but cannot be around the smoke. How can I give them the help they need?

My Dad is 85 years old and has smoked for years. All of us 5 kids are over 50 years old and our lungs just can't take it eieher especially several garnd children he's been told have asthma but he continues to be selfish and says its his home. I tell him its MY lungs and I won't come over as often and he in his sick mind wonders still why no-one visits anymore cause they don't care. He said we all grew up around it and we're just starting to complain about it now. He must have had a hearing problem in his 30;s and 40's as I remember all of us griped about the smoke all the time. Some people are just born to be selfish and ignorant (stupid). Can't fix stupid !!!

I understand how difficult this is for you to handle, but I am glad you are being firm about the situation. I have never been a smoker but grew up with it and most of my family still smokes. My mother does not smoke anymore, but the rest of the family does not understand the situation. I cannot be around them when they visit my mother because I developed asthma as an adult and currently have a small (hopefully benign) lung tumor that is being watched by my doctors. Most smokers are very defensive, but I have learned that being appreciative toward considerate smokers helps the situation. I know the habit is very difficult to break. I hope your mother-in-law will respond the same way your FIL has responded. Best wishes. Rebecca

My husband smokes (which I hate) but he always smokes outside. I remember working in the office in the '70's where the air was blue with smoke from my co-workers. My friend has a friend who is dying of MD and has smoked medicinal marijuana for years and has a little dog that always sits on his lap. Both he and the dog were recently diagnosed with emphysema, caused by the smoking. The people that lived next door to my grandparents smoked so much, and never opened a window to my knowledge. Their little dog used to lick the windows to apparently get the nicotine off. (gross) My husband's father started coughing up black stuff before he finally quit. And although my husband has a strong desire to stop, I think it's gonna take a serious health scare to push him over the edge. I pray that God will be merciful for what that scare is.

wow, jeanne, what a memory. Ow.

Ya, bah on the smoking. You are not wrong to tell them what you need to do in order to meet their needs.

It's 2011, anyone who does not understand the relationship of smoking to lung disease is delusional. anyone who insists on exposing others to this awful stuff is just selfish.

good luck and stick to what your lungs are telling you!

lovbob

What has FIL's reaction been to this request? Is he cooperating? In the hospital MIL is probably on a patch and not smoking. Any chance she would continue that? But I guess even if she agreed to try it, it wouldn't last long with FIL smoking. I hope you can make an arrangement that works.

The day my father died of lung cancer, I remember leaving the hospital and waving back at a man standing in the courtyard in one of those fashionable gowns that tie in the back, hooked up to some kind of an IV on a portable stand, smoking. It is a very sad addiction.

Good luck.

Thanks for the suggestions. Both are wonderful people but the smoking is unbearable at times. No one wants to stay long for visits because it is such a smoke filled environment as no one else in the family smokes. My mother in law is in the hospital right now and we have had the house cleaned, walls, carpets, furniture.. and are currently requesting that father in law smoke in sunroom that can be closed off. We love them both dearly but really feel strongly about protecting ourselves and our loved ones. I know we are in for a battle and I guess I just needed someone outside the family to say it is ok to make this demand.

I wish you well on that one. Braida is right. You must think of your own health. My mom smoked for 50 yrs. Her house reeked of smoke and I'm allergic. When I would visit we would go outside to sit. I didn't visit much in the winter. Now she's living with me. I told her she could only smoke outside and after two days she quit smoking. It's been 6 mos now. But she is so ill now I honestly think she has forgotten that she smoked.
Hope it works out for you.

You should tell them that in order to have your help, which you are willing to do, they must begin smoking OUTSIDE, because you are physically unable to tolerate the smoke. Then, if they agree, you can clean and air out the home as best as possible, have the carpets cleaned, etc. Some carpet cleaning and commercial cleaning companies have machines that they can put in houses to eradicate all the odors (from pets and smoking....I've done it w/ rental properties) It usually takes 3 days of running the machine when the home is very smelly. Make it clear to your parents that you respect their right to smoke, but you personally cannot help them inside their home unless they agree to cease smoking inside the home.
I'm totally with you on this, because I can't tolerate a smoke-filled environment either. It will ruin your health, and then you can't help them anyway!!
Best of luck.