How can I help my parents get my grandmother in a nursing home?


I am writing to get information to help my parents. My grandmother, who has dementia, is currently living in their home and has been for several years. My grandmother has had a severe stroke. She cannot hear well or speak. She was living on her own even after the stroke because she is refusing assisted living. My parents were so concerned about her that they allowed her to move into their home. She has gotten worse and requires someone to watch her at all times of the day now. My parents are both busy with work and they also take care of my little brother who is still young. I am concerned about how the living situation is in their home now and I want to make sure my grandmother is getting the proper care and attention she needs. My dad had poa over her until she ran away from their home and started walking down the highway while my parents were at work one day. Someone from PATH brought her home and she claimed my dad was taking all of her money so she revoked him poa. She still tries to leave their home and walk to God knows where until my parents go track her down and bring her home. She has accidents all over their house. She insists on doing their laundry and dishes while they're out and breaks their appliances because she doesn't know how to use them. However, she does not clean herself. She changes her own depends and leaves the mess all over her hands and wipes her hands all over their home. To me, this is a big sanitation issue. My parents are not certified to take care of elders.. they clean up after her everyday when they get home. My mom is also dealing with other family matters and I don't like seeing her under so much stress. She has been putting off the nursing home because my grandma absolutely REFUSES to go. She has talked to social workers and they have advised her to get an attorney and take her to court, but due to financial issues we cannot afford an attorney right now to do that. We have also tried calmly talking to her about going and she still won't go. Does any one have any advise to help get my grandma into a nursing home? PLEASE HELP!

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This old woman is negatively affecting THREE other people (four if we include you, and we should!). This is not any sort of environment for your minor brother to be in. It is unhealthy. If Grandma goes to a nursing home, THREE other people (four including you) will be much better off, and in a MUCH MORE HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT. So she will be unhappy? She's only 1/4 in this equation. What's best for the majority should be done.

Your parents probably know what should happen. If they want to be put up with this, that's their choice, but it is NOT your minor brother's choice. Children must be protected. Perhaps you could call CPS on HIS behalf if they refuse to do anything?
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Redtiger, nobody can force her to go to a nursing home, except a Judge who issues a court order for it. If APS (social worker) went there and grandma seemed well cared for, they will not step in. But if they saw the house in a shambles and an old lady covered in poop they would.
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Redtiger, I bet when your Grandmother first moved into your parents home everything ran smoothly. But as time advances so does the dementia. When I read about the wandering, that is scary. My gosh, talk about the stress on your parents. And it sounds like Grandmother doesn't have enough funds of her own to hire a caregiver at the house [she probably would refuse one].

Your parents could have Grandmother apply for Medicaid. With Medicaid, this program will put Grandmother into a nursing home and pay for her care. I realize that Grandmother refuses, but she is at a point where she cannot make good choices for herself. She probably remembers nursing homes from back when her own parents/relatives might have needed care, and at that time the places were asylums.... so no wonder she won't go, she's afraid.

Barb above has the right solution. Next medical issue, call 911 and have the hospital place Grandmother. The only thing, it will be the next available bed, hopefully not too far from home.

Oh, since your Grandmother has dementia, and it is at the stage where she wanders, and can't take care of herself, she cannot revoke the Power of Attorney. Your Dad remains at her POA, it's too late to make any changes.
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So, here's the thing. If grandma is competent, in a legal sense, she can do what she wants. But it's your parents' home, and they CAN start eviction proceedings. And they should do so.

What social workers have your parents spoken to? APS? Area Agency on Aging? Your grandmother clearly needs supervision and your parents are not able to provide it, nor are they responsible to do so.

Does grandma see a doctor? Has this been discussed with her/him? Has she seen a geriateic psychiatrist for her agitation? Has she been evaluated by a gerontologist or neurologist for cognitive decline or dementia?

If grandma needs to be taken to the ER for ANY reason--a fall, delusions, agitation, a cut, ANYTHING, have your parents call 911, and have the EMTs transport her to the hospital. Once she's there, they do not pick her up. Parents talk to social work staff at the hospital about the fact that grand6is a danger to herself and others. They will place her.
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