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He says its his money, and I say we just need to discuss and all 3 of us need to agree on things. He says its his money and I should not tell him what to do. He is getting more difficult to handle and it upsets my mother. Can one be put in a assisted facility against their will?

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The absolute key to how to deal with this, in my mind, is to determine whether you are dealing with a "competent" person, or one with an impaired brain. The approach you take really needs to take that into consideration.
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toronto1, don't forget we will forever be the "child" in our parents eye, and what do we know :P

I can understand you being upset with this new vehicle that your Dad bought, using your hard earned money. Apparently he paid cash for it, correct? Of course his reasoning would be that he *saved* the money to buy it, so he should have use of the money however he sees fit. He would be right. It's like you are giving you parents an allowance.

Since Dad bought this car, they will need to cut back on their budget to make up the difference. With a new car comes car insurance and gasoline. Oops, there goes the cable service.... or can't afford the cellphone, back to landlines... or no new clothes for awhile.... or maybe even cancel the newspaper delivery.
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Even if you were able to move him to assisted living, he wouldn't stay.

What type of car did he buy? Why is he even driving?
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You cannot force him into Assisted Living unless you pursue Guardian status and get a court order to move him there. His lack of reasoning is a clear indicator of early dementia. See your attorney. I think your money would be better spent on Guardianship than letting him pzz it all away.
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So it's not the wasting money that's worrying you, it's his reaction to your pointing out the need for information exchange and discussion?

Very difficult and uncomfortable conversations lie ahead, I'm sorry. The thing is, when he says it's his money, the accurate reply is "well, no it isn't, Dad, is it? It's money you have at your disposal only because I am subsidising you." But when you factor in all of the emotions at play here, that accurate reply would be extremely counterproductive, in that he is likely to be offended, resentful, hurt and furious.

And not completely without reason. After all, did anyone agree terms when you started helping them out? Have he and your mother looked clearly at their financial position and understood that without your help they cannot afford to continue living in their family home?

Once you try to insist on prior consultation, then your generous support has strings attached, your parents become your dependants, and whereas up until now they have been able to overlook that disagreeable reality you will be bringing them face to face with it.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't. It may be high time that you did. But be aware of how your father might feel about it: you don't have to have dementia to be pig-headed on the one hand, and anxious about your future on the other.

Perhaps you could tell them that you'd like to get everything in order so that their finances are properly secured and organised for the future. Then sit down with them and have a good brainstorming session about assets, income, budgets and contingencies - the last bringing you nimbly to the subject of power of attorney.

Now if your father responds to that suggestion with a don't care don't need your help attitude, you will need to explain to both of them, with figures attached, to what degree they have been relying on your support. You will also have to give them, in the nicest possible way, an ultimatum: that you cannot continue that support without their allowing you to have some involvement in supervising their financial security. If necessary, follow that through, but meanwhile be tenacious about presenting practical options. The last thing you want is your father making a grand go it alone gesture and getting himself into a proper pickle with a reverse mortgage or some similar honey trap laid especially for pensioners.
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If dad had the money to buy a second car,he should not have access to that extra money. If you continue to help them do it by paying certain bills. Dad gives you the utility bill for example and you pay it directly.
If there are things like clothes Mom needs just take her shopping that way Dad has not idea what was spent.
It is very difficult to give up control whatever your age and mental capacity.
Dad is right it is his money and he has the right to do whatever he likes with it. So you may just have to withdraw the support and let the chips fall where they may and be prepared to pick up the pieces on your terms.
Have a plan in place when the inevitable happens. Depending on your own income that could include purchasing a nice condo in a retirement community and rent it to the parents. Time for tough love if this is not an isolated incident of defiance. He is a man and your father double whammys.
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Exerting tough love and withdrawing your financial help unless Dad agrees to some ground rules will at least get you out of subsidizing his second car and other purchases.

He may just be trying to hold on to his independence. But if he is in the early stage of dementia, don't expect him to learn some lessons from you actions. If he is losing the ability to reason you are going to have to come up with some other ways to to ensure that money needed by him and Mother is protected. If he is mentally healthy, withdrawing your support or even threatening to do it may help him learn to manage his own funds. But if he has dementia he may stubbornly insist he doesn't need you, to his detriment and your mother's.

What does Mother have to say about this issue?
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Definitely stop helping them financially. And stop now. He needs to learn how to manage with his own funds.

There will come a time when you wish you had that money for yourself.
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Shut off the money tap. Your dad is telling you he doesn't need your money. Put your money toward your own retirement. when Dad runs out of money they can sell their house. Stop enabling them.
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I assume the new car was something unnecessary. Tell Dad there will be no more money until he sells the car. You need to get POA but your parents may not cooperate. This sounds very similar to my Dads behavior as his dementia began a few years ago. Becoming stubborn and bad reasoning are classic signs. I was able to get POA by telling him it was for "Down the road" in case he and Mom ever needed help. He doesn't even realize that I now take care off all the bills and finances. I got in just under the wire with the POA.
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He says its his money and I should not tell him what to do...
as long as he has access to the money he can do as he wishes. That is why caregivers have good elder affairs lawyers. we can run ourselve ragged trying to
control the irrational behaviors
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I don't know about that but have you tried to back off a little bit with the financial help to show him he can't do it without you? Did mom know about the car? Could she give you a heads up in his bad choices? I wish you luck, this is a hard one.
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I don't think he can be but in assisted living against his will. I do think you can stop supporting them if you feel they're not using their/your money wisely.
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