How to help an elderly parent stay out of a nursing home?

careinhome,
Why do say that I'd be doing my mother a disservice if my sole reason for keeping her at home is because she wants to stay there.

Babalou, I like the words "placed in a facility".

eb2016, a POA only comes into effect if the parent can no longer make informed decisions. If ur Mom is found to "be in her right mind" then she cannot be forced to do what she doesn't want to. If in her right mind, she can revoke the POA and make you POA. Which sounds more logical to me since u live together. Ask if she can be evaluated. Medicaid will not pay if it isn't determined she needs longterm care.

When they are children and they want ice cream for breakfast, the we do what is right for the child no matter what the child says. It becomes much more difficult when we get elderly but the decision process is still the same. Usually, at some point, the best care an elderly parent can get is at assisted living or nursing home. Even if they insist on going back home, sometimes you have to do what is best for them and the family. Consult with your family physician, pastor, and others who are not personally involved. But you are doing your mother a disservice if your sole reason for keeping her at home is because she wants to stay there.

Kudos to you for wanting to keep her at home. If she's anything like my mother, she will do well in your care. You don't have to do it alone. There are services that can help. The problem, I see, is that someone else has PoA. This means that unless your mother is not competent enough to make her own decisions, that person's decisions will stand.

Eb, it sounds like, as has been suggested, that you need to call an elder law attorney asap! Get POA for yourself with your mom and cancel your sisters POA. If she is truly of a sound mind, no one can force her into a facility. You have nothing to worry about if she refuses. On the other hand, if she has been diagnosed with any type of dementia, then your sibs could use the current POA.

Time is most important here. Get to the attorney immediately and with your moms help get things changed. Then, you can take her home and resume her care yourself. When the time comes you need help and want to place her in a home for care, you will be able to do it. The attorney can help you cover all the bases for now and in the future.

Good luck to you, hope this helps. Please keep us posted on the outcome as it helps others going through similar situations.

If your mom is competent get a lawyer for her & get her to change that POA to you, as she declines it may not be possible to do this later, so the sooner the better. I know it costs more money to use a lawyer but they will make sure that everything is done legally and she gets a say in what happens to her. Additionally, you & your mom & siblings (if possible) need to have a conversation about what to do as she declines. Specifically, at what point of decline should she go into a facility (NH, IL, AL) - you may think that you can care for her until the end, but that may not be realistic or possible, so talk about it now before you're forced to make decisions.

eb, if your Mom is of clear mind, there are Elder Law attorneys that will come to the house or rehab center to prepare legal documents.

I didn't even know my sister had POA until two weeks ago.
I wanted my mom to make me POA but her poor health kept us from getting that done.

If mom is competent, she can change her POA to you. I'm curious why you don't have it to begin with, if you're her caregiver.

Your sister is POA and she doesn't have that information? That's a bit surprising, to me.

Why don't they want mom there? Because she'll cry, or be angry or threaten. It really might be best to have a sit down with them privately, first.

Ah, so your sister has POa, which would seem to imply no one has guardianship. So no one can force mom to live somewhere.

But here's the thing. If the rehab doesn't geel that she will be adequately care for at home (her care is beyond what can be provided in a home setting), they might advise your siblings to seek guardianship. If you contest this, the judge, if your mom is found incompetent, may award guardianship to a third party.

It is altogether the best thing to do in this sort of situation to try to come to terms with why your siblings believe mom would be better cared for in a NH.

My sister has POA but she is not her guardian. I'm being kept out of the loop by my siblings.I would like to have a meeting with them in the presence of my mom.But they don't want that. WHY? The documents are proof of income; social security, pension, life insurance,bank account,etc.

What documents are you speaking of?

So, if your mom is competent in the legal sense of that word, she cannot be forced into care, unless someone has guardianshup over her. Is that the case?

Who is mom's POA? Have you spoken to her doctor, or to the discharge planners about who is recommending long term care and why?

I have everything that they would need to put her into long term care. They want all documents in four days no questions asked. They don't want to talk with me about this matter at all.
My mom does not have dementia. She does not want long term nursing care.
She wants to come back home. I know her. She's not happy being away from home. Her state of health depends a lot on her state of mind. I'm fighting to prevent a major injustice to my mother. Can someone help me help her.

What paperwork do you have that they need?

Of course your mom should be part of the conversation, as should you. But if mom has the beginnings of dementia, and if she's not eating properly at home, not getting enoufh socialization, medical monitoring and the like, it may not be a matter of what mom wants. It's a natter of what mom needs. If her cognitive skills have declined, she may not be able to see the "big picture" any longer.

My siblings are demanding me to provide them with all the paperwork they need to put my mother into long term care.They don't care about my mother's opinion or mine. Shouldn't she be included in this conversation. It's HER life. Let her decide.

cwillie,
My mom has had a series of health problems for over 2 1/2 years. She fell 2 years ago and broke some bones. I was told by the doctor that after a senior has a traumatic fall they tend to go into cognitive decline.She's presently in a re-hab center after a brief hospital stay for an undefined illness. Now my three siblings want to put her into long term care. She does not want that and neither do I.

Eb, you say you have been caring for her for 2 1/2 years, but your profile says she was only suffering from age related decline before this health crisis. I don't understand, your mom wouldn't have been accepted at a nursing home if she doesn't need it?

My mom lived fully on her own at 81, even though she had lost most of her vision. I spent most of my weekends with her but didn't come to live with her until she suffered a severe case of sciatica when she was 90. I was her daughter, friend and companion, but I never thought of myself as her caregiver even then, that came later. I just hope you really do understand what you are agreeing to.

PUT HER AWAY!!? Why on earth do people use that phrase?

If your mother entered a nursing home, would you and your siblings stop visiting her, stop loving her, stop advocating for her?

If this is your mother's phrase, you need to correct it. If it's what you are thinking, you need to understand that what occurs in a good nursing home is a level of professional care that is simply not available at home. Ongoing monitoring of weight, bp, oxygen saturation, lung and bowel sounds. In house dental, audiology and optometry. Specialized diet. Consults with ot, pt and spech. And on, and on and on. When my mother is ill, she doesn't have to get dresssed and go out in the cold, wet Northeast winter to be seen by a doctor.

Eb, thanks for the update. If you and your Mom live in the same house, chances are you don't see the decline that others might see, those who don't visit on a regular basis. Sounds like the siblings are able to see the forest for the trees, and want the best for both you and your Mom.

Now, if your Mom is of clear mind and wants to return to her own home and she is able to do that, then she needs to take full responsibility for her decision. Hopefully she will decide yes when the time comes to hire outside help for her care, for the upkeep on the house, etc. Don't fall in the guilt/trap of a parent who refuses outside help.

My mom is over her last illness. She has improved while in rehab. I'm definitely up to caring for her and I know how tough that can be. I did it every day for over 2 1/2 years alone without my siblings help. They didn't help me with her before but they want to put her away now. She wants to come home and does not want to a nursing home. That thought scares her. Her wishes should be honored.

I understand how your mom could lose weight and get weaker under your care because it happened to me. I made healthy meals that mom just picked at. I was more annoyed than concerned because up until the she seemed the same competent woman she had always been. I was her daughter, not her caretaker, and I just didn't see what was happening right in front of me.

Your mom is 81 and I have noticed that many elders decline steadily after reaching that age, you need to understand the dynamics between you is changing irrevocably. She will become more dependent on you, are you up for that? Will you be willing to deal with dementia or other physical infirmities? Urinary incontinence? Fecal incontinence? Will you have her die in your shared home?

If you have seriously considered all of these points then your siblings may be more willing to concede to your plans. In the end it is not up to them, if your mom is competent to make her own decisions it is between you and her. But remember that your sibs have made it clear they are not interested in hands on caregiving, so don't expect them to bail you out if you are in over you head.

My mom is 81(she will be 82 in two weeks)
She is in rehab because she is very weak and underweight.
She is mentally competent. My sister is her POA
Mom and I co-own our home.

How old is mom? How old are you?
Why is she in rehab?
Is she mentally competent?
Who has POA?
Whose home do you share, hers or yours?

Your profile says general age decline for your Mom. May I ask why is Mom in a rehab center? What does the rehab center recommend? If the rehab is in favor of your Mom going home after 21 days, then let her come home. If the rehab recommends a long-term-care facility then that would be in your Mom's best interest.

Assisted Living is another option which is great for elders, if the elder can afford to do that, as the elders are around people of their own generation, and there is a lot of help for them such as housekeeping, medicine being dispensed, all 3 meals prepared, medical alerts, etc. My Dad [94] is in the Independent Living side and has the options for extra care, he recently started with the facility doing his meds.

If the reheb recommends 24-hour care, who would you call to help you out? Being a 24-hour caregivers means you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each and every day, 168 hours a week with very little rest inbetween. You would burn out quickly, and just a note, 40% of caregivers pass on leaving behind their love one.