I am a 58 year old man. My dad is 83 and has dementia, which is getting worse. His wife is in physical rehabilitation. She is a resident there temporarily. She doesn’t have a next of kin.
My younger sister (who is married and has two daughters - one in college and the other still in high school) lives in a different state. She has come out a few times recently to help deal with our dad and try to help him out. But his condition has worsened since then. Neither my sister nor I have really ever had a very close relationship with our dad over the past 54 to 58 years. We have all always tried to just 'get along' with each other, but it has not really ever been an extremely close-knit situation. We did the best that we could with what what we had to work with. But my sister and I come from a broken dysfunctional family situation, which affected us adversely when she and I were still in high school.
My dad’s next door neighbors on both sides of his house are very much aware of his struggles. They had been checking up on him every one to two days and bringing him food. One of his neighbors who resides on the north side of his house has been keeping in touch with me.
There is also an APS Case Worker who has a case open presently on both my dad and his wife. I have known about this for a while now. However, I have not been in touch with the Case Worker until just very recently.
Neither my sister nor I have POA for our dad. This is all very new to us. Neither one of us really wants to have this type of authority or responsibility to be honest. Neither of us wants POA for him.
At first, and for the longest time my dad did not think there was anything wrong with him or his memory. He was in denial. However, If I’m not mistaken I believe he has since then opened up or warmed up to the idea of assisted living for himself (and possibly for his wife also?)
The last time I spoke to my dad (at his house) in person was challenging for both of us. This was 3 to 4 weeks ago. He was very disoriented and didn’t seem to be able to form complete logical sentences.
Well Fast Forward about 3 to 4 weeks now. I believe one of his neighbors contacted the state about him showing even more pronounced signs of confusion a few weeks ago. And so my dad was taken to the ER in an ambulance, where they ran tests on him. It was determined that he had an electrolyte imbalance, at which time he was admitted into the care of the hospital on one of their upper floors.
I had been keeping in touch with several of the workers at the hospital on and off while he was in their care, for about 3 to 4 days or so. I did not go try to visit him during this time. The last time I saw him in person I was honestly not ever sure he even knew who I was. He probably did, but I don't think that he was lucid enough to be able to form complete sentences at that time (this was about a month or so ago now).
My dad was recently taken out of the hospital. I have spoken to his Case Worker. I told the Case Worker that my sister and I wanted the State to take the initiative in this matter.
And so, although I DO know that my dad is being cared for now however, the Case Worker cannot tell me anything else besides this right now. And they will never be able to tell us anything about his wife.
I also know that my dad was moved just recently (a few days ago) to yet another care facility of some kind. The last time (which was the 2nd time) I spoke with his Case Worker I asked him if I could visit my dad. He told me that it would not be a good idea because he was being moved to another facility on that day. I don't know where he is now.
I feel frustrated and helpless. I don't know what to expect moving forward. I wonder if my dad is pissed off at us. But I have no idea what to expect. I feel lost and helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he might be thinking about me and my sister. I don't know if he is upset about it or not. I don't know if he will ever talk to us again to be honest.
First off, I do appreciate those of you who have posted supportive comments (rather than the dismissive ones).
I would like to add some details which I probably had not included in this novel of mine previously.
My dad's next door neighbor (and her live-in BF) have a key to his house. The reason they have a key is because he gave them one. I too possess a key to his house.
My dad's next door neighbor has been keeping in touch with me on a fairly regular basis. Recently, she brought up a valid point about food in my dad's house which was probably rotting (especially whatever food he may have had sitting on the kitchen counter). But she was hesitant to just go into his house because this could be considered trespassing.
I asked the CW about this. The CW told me that since my dad had given them a key, that it would in fact NOT be trespassing if they were to enter his house and throw about the rotting food. I then also mentioned to him that I too possess a key to his house. At which time he asked me what my motives might be for wanting to enter into his house at this point.
This made it very clear to me that 1) It is OK for his neighbors to enter into his house, and 2) it is not OK for me to do so at this point.
I told the CW that the neighbors were going to go in and remove the rotting food, etc. The CW did not have an issue with this at all. As a matter of fact, the CW and my dad's neighbors have actually been in touch with one another. They have each other's contact information.
My dad's neighbor called me this morning. She informed me that the CW had called her earlier that day while she was at work. He wanted to meet with her at my dad's house (and go inside the house). She had previously contacted him (the CW) letting him know that she knew that my dad's cell phone phone was sitting on the end table of his house. She wanted to give it to my dad (although I'm not really sure why, but that is beside the point right now).
His neighbor had to leave her job in order to meet with the CW. It is rather obvious at this point that since I gave up my rights to the State, that the CW doesn't really want me to be involved in this matter any longer. This is OK with me. I don't think I could ever have been involved at this level to be honest. And my dad's neighbor keeps reminding me that, in her case there is no baggage like there is with me and with my sister. The neighbor represents a neutral person, on neutral ground. My sister and I have way too much baggage with our dad. But he has been very open with this neighbor of his up until now. I am indebted to her and her BF in ways I cannot even begin to express. I will definitely do my best to pay them back for this. But I don't think that any monetary gift would even come close to showing my true appreciation.
The CW met with this next door neighbor this morning. The CW was wanting to find a bank statement on his dining room table among all of the mail which has been piling up there for last three weeks to a month now. The neighbor simply wanted to give his cell phone to the CW. The CW was going to be meeting with my dad later in the day today.
My dad's neighbor was also able to tell me something else which is very interesting. My dad in currently staying in the same facility where his wife is staying. They are not staying in the same room, per se. But in the same facility. I did not know this until today.
And so, as I now understand it, I believe that the CW is working on trying to get the two of them eventually into a different facility of some kind (but I could be wrong about this). There will eventually be a Guardianship and there will eventually be a Conservator. Their house, belongings, property, and possessions will be either sold or auctioned off by the State in order so that all of these Care Services can collectively be paid for. And the CW will try to see if they will qualify for Medicare/Medicaid.
Without a pre-nominated POA, having an APS Case Worker or hospital appointed Social Worker for paperwork is often needed.
Personally, getting involved in another's life to the extent needed here is a huge effort. If CLOSE to that person, you may know their values & wishes. But if no close relationship, I cannot see any benefit to either side. The son here would be left to just guess their wishes & flounder through legal & social work.
Case Managers/Social Workers are not emotionally attached. They know what questions to ask, what paperwork is needed, know the healthcare system & people's rights.
If fact, I was told by a Social Worker that even when family IS close, it can be a smoother process to allow an impartial Guardian to be appointed. Otherwise the family member can become 'the bad guy' when not allowing the person with cognition problems (dementia/mentally ill) to go home.
I've been told NOT to apply for Guardianship for my LO so as to preserve a better realtionship & avoid getting the blame.
Don't know if this makes sense?
But I would do as Louis8ball has done here.
Why do you feel guilty about someone who seems to never have been a father to you. There is no way ur in the position to help this man. His wife is not ur responsibility at all. A lot of people have had to turn over the care of a LO to the state for various reasons. Mostly though, those who parents are estranged and now are elderly think their children should take care of them. There is no honor your father and mother when they have not been there for you.
No one has to worry about an inheritance. The average NH is about 10k and u have 2 people who need care. Thats 20k a month. Any money Dad has will go
quickly. At this point, you need to stay away from his home. A guardian will be named and that person will see to the sale of the house and cleaning out. The neighbor should not enter now.
Your sister, I will bet she does not want the responsibility of Dad so why should u take it on. I think you need to work on getting back on your feet. Not sure ur going to do it living in LosAlamos. Very expensive living there. I know a realtor that does not have a house for sale less than a million. With the labs closing and companies involved with them losing work, not much in the way of work, is there?
You need to worry about u.
You have made a lot of really good points here.
I'm not really sure that I know how to use this particular site properly. I have twice now tried responding to EVERYONE by simply posting an ANSWER. I have done this twice now. The answer would appear as something that someone besides myself might have posted. But the most recent of these, which I posted about 45 minutes ago, has a lot of really great information that you all probably didn't know previously.
FYI
There is no reason for them not to let you know where you father is. None whatsoever. While you are not willing to take care of demented and uncooperative family members, that is no reason to deny your knowing where the person is.
As to whether you are able to visit? You have never been close and it seems he doesn't know you.
The other woman is, I take it, not your mother, and you've no need to visit her if you don't wish.
If you wish to visit your father consult an elder law attorney. I think they will inform you of placement. THAT IS ALL they will tell you and that is ALL they need to tell you. You are not, I assume, interested in much else but being allowed to know where your Dad is placed. You will not be included in any care nor financial considerations. The state will handle your fathers assets, and etc. And you will not be informed of this, but you, as son, do have a right to know where he is. IMHO.
See an attorney.
Not being able to recognise his own brain problems is completely normal. The example I use is you can FEEL your ankle if you break it. See the cast or boot. You cannot see your brain. The brain may not be able to process correctly that some proesses have 'broken'. This can happen with traumatic brain injury, mental illness as well as dementia.
Hopefully down the track, you will be able to locate & visit him. Be prepared to spend a hour or so just being a friendly guy coming to say hello if he doesn’t recognise you. Go with the day. Each may vary. You may wish to call ahead & ask if it is a good day, or what time usually is good. Some people avoid any late arvo fatigue (tears, anger). I used to like arriving an hour before a meal so I had an 'out'.
Keep chatting here if it helps.
I was told today by someone (either my dad's neighbor or my friend, I don't recall now) that this is all uncharted territory for me. I have never been down this road before. She is right. If I was to try to get involved in this matter at a deeper level, I honestly believe that I would lose my own sense of wellness or wellbeing. My mental state of mind would definitely take a toll.
This is way too much for me. If my dad and I had grown closer to each other over the years then this might be a different story. I'm sure that it would be. But the fact of the matter is, is that it isn't. He was not the parent that either my sister or I needed when we were in High School. I believe that all of that is now coming back to bite all of us in the butt now.
The things you are worrying about are beyond your control. You ‘have no idea what to expect, you feel lost and helpless, you don't know what to do’. Just back off and let things finish the way they have been for most of his life and all of yours. Just 'get along' with the situation. You have no obligations and no magic wand.
I am a 58 year old man who is (sadly) living with my biological mom and her husband right now. My mom went through this with her own mother back in the late '90's. But I know that my mom had POA regarding all of this. I was living in another state until 2017. I ran into difficult times and she had to actually go out to where I was and help me move back to her house. I have gotten comfortable here in her house, and she doesn't seem to want me to leave anytime soon. But, although she knows that my dad has dementia she does NOT know about the current situation. I am not sure that if I ever tell her and her husband, that they will let me remain living here. I don't think anyone would ever forgive me for letting the State take over with my dad like this. But I do NOT have the time, energy, money, resources, knowledge, wisdom or patience to deal with either him or his wife at this point in time.
I only really have one real friend in the world. She lives in the state that I moved back here from. She went through all of this with her mother back in 2016. But her mother had given her POA prior to all of this. My precious friend in TN does not condemn me for any of this. I am so thankful that I have someone like her that I can call anytime about this. But the really sad thing right now is, is that my sister (in TX) has not contacted me at all since I told her that I had the State (of NM) take over.
I just didn't know what else to do. I do not believe that I was born with whatever aspect that it is that people need to have in order to deal with this type of thing. And besides, as far as my dad is concerned, I am pretty sure that he has given everything he has to his wife in his Will. As long as she is still living, she would have control of his entire estate no matter what. But she has only one grandchild (who lives in Ireland).
My sister and I have absolutely no emotional ties to any of our dad's possessions or belongings - including his house. My sister told me a couple of weeks ago that we should probably just let Goodwill go in and take whatever they want to from their home. I agree with this. I do not even want to go back inside their house at this point. It is just too painful and confusing for me right now.
In case you are wondering about his wife: Right before Thanksgiving of last year I got a call around 2 AM on my cell phone. The name on the face of my cell phone said, 'Dad' The person using his phone was a Paramedic who was calling me to let me know that they were transporting his wife to the ER because she was found laying naked in the bathtub, unresponsive. I later found out that she had Sepsis, which was a result of an UTI.
Since then, she has been in and out of Physical Rehab because due to the UTI and Sepsis she has spent so much time laying down in bed that she is (evidently) unable to walk on her own.
The last time I was with my dad at his house he was showing me the $3,000 electric wheelchair that he had bought for his wife. He had placed it right there in the entryway to their house. His whole entire life at that point had been dedicated to putting all of his proverbial eggs in this one basket ------ he was expecting his wife to burst through the door of their house at any time.
He had no idea how bad her situation actually was. And he could barely form complete sentences either for that matter. This was about a month ago now.
I later found out from his neighbors who had been checking up on him that his dementia had been getting worse over time. This precious woman named Sarah and her boyfriend had been going over and checking up on him every other day. They were also bringing meals to him.
My dad had given a key to his house to Sarah. I later found out from his Case Worker that since he gave them a key they could go in and clean out his fridge and throw away all the rotten food. But he said that I am NOT allowed to go into his house.
It sounds like your dad’s neighbors were keeping an eye on him and were concerned about him. They acted responsibly by reporting him to APS.
Your dad is being cared for and it’s really up to you as to how involved in his life you wish to be.
Keep communication open with his caseworker and later on if you choose to visit him you can.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
No one can know what goes on in the mind of someone with dementia. Even they themselves can't sort it out -- their brains are broken. It's possible he can't form complete sentances due to aphasia.
Are you talking with a case worker? Or his actual guardian? They are not the same, usually.
When the county acquired guardianship of my stepFIL, the guardian (and team) was very receptive to my input of what SFIL's likes and preferences were. Lutheran Social Services was assigned guardianship. SFIL had a single legal guardian but always copied any communications with a team, so there was accountability and transparency. They even moved him to a closer facility so we'd have an easier time taking his wife (my MIL) to visit him. The guardian is not/should not be adversarial, but they do take protecting them and their privacy seriously. I would continue to attempt to communicate diplomatically with them, trying to offer helpful information.
Please don't feel helpess. He's getting protection and care. If possible, maybe find out if his wife is in the same facility as he. The caseworker (or guardian?) is correct that you need to give your Father time to adjust to his new residence and to not visit for a little while. This is common practice. But after this, you can visit all you want, just have tempered expectations of how his behavior will be towards you. Don't take anything personally -- his brain is broken/breaking and he is not able to use logic, reason, judgment, empathy, or memory. His sense of time and space are also altered. It's frightening for him. Hopefully his medical team at his facility will get him on meds if needed.
May you have peace in your heart that this is the best solution for him. Remember that many seniors don't even have this much...