I have tried multiple times to talk to her regarding an ALF and she refuses to discuss it. I even showed her my court ordered guardianship papers to try and get her to understand. Nothing has worked. I haven't told her yet because she will just get mad and then forget anyway, so I am waiting. But it is going to be really bad. I already know this. I am just trying to get some feedback on ANYTHING or ANY ideas anyone might have to get her there at least. She still thinks she is going to get her own apartment (she is currently living with me). The guilt is crazy. I am desperate.
I found that my cousin did much better once she was on meds for anxiety.(Cymbalta. Xanx wasn't very helpful for her.) That made a huge difference. And if she keeps asking when she will leave, explain that the doctor and therapist are monitoring her progress and it shouldn't be too long. Eventually, my cousin forgot all about that. She thinks she is at home in Memory Care.
Keep in mind that your mother is not likely to remember the transition to the ALF, her actions or words about resisting. So, don't let it take a huge toll on you. It can be very stressful as Anne says and actually make you sick. I learned it first hand.
The definition is own apartment...right? If she thinks that, where does she think it is at the moment you mention it to her? Is she able to comprehend? Are you worried about her leaving? Most facilities like you might be choosing have effective systems of preventing this, although it can cause alarm to the resident.
Will the room be personalized before she gets there with her own things? We were able to do that, but we did not chose to show her around . Again, because she was in a rage and it would not have been productive. This scene is not unusual and the staff should be prepared to help. They may tell you to stay away for awhile. We had to stay away for over 6 weeks. I must state that MIL was not on any meds at all and her family probably should addressed that years before. She would not go to the doctor and even getting a physical for admittance had to be a trick. So unfortunately with her behavior the facility doctor prescribed meds and she was medicated and overmedicated. After a year I moved her to an adult foster home and it was better for all.
I agree...your guardianship papers are a threat to her so why bother frustrating her? And you???
It bothered my husband so much that he dwelled on it ....he wondered if his Dad (deceased)would approve. As I said, his Mom had played a very negative role in the family for years. We had to remove her because she told the police her son was trying to kill her. My husband had a mild stroke 8 months later. While he is fine, his memory and choice of words was affected. It is difficult not to think that she had a part in this health episode of his. Why do I mention this? You are doing what you feel necessary to take care of Mom and you need to take care of yourself and feel good about what you are doing. Keep us posted.
Yes, you can make sure that she's got lots of familiar stuff in her new room--pictures, bedspread, her clothes and the like. You can also ask her doctor for meds to make the transition easier. But ultimately, the fact that you are in charge of your mother's life and well-being is a tough sea-change to go through.
My aunt had to go into a resthome (ALF, although they are not quite the same thing) many years ago now. I assured her if she didn't like it, she didn't have to stay and she could come with me and stay with me. One day turned into 7 days, turned in months and years. My aunt thought she was in a motel for many years. It wasn't being deceitful, it was dealing with a difficult situation. Also, elderly people tend to be diffficult especially with their families. The staff at the ALF will find her a different person. Bear that in mind. All the best with your situation. Arlene Hutcheon
You probably don't need to worry about her escaping because memory care facilities are usually secured. Introduce yourself to the staff and stay in contact with them. Ask them if you should visit frequently or stay away for a few days or weeks to allow her to adjust. I have a friend who's mother is in the same facility as my mother and she visits every day with no problems. My mother gets upset when I am there and demands that I take her with me when I leave, so I will only visit once each week for a few weeks until she (hopefully) adjusts. Don't hesitate to use whatever 'therapeutic fibs" work for your mom. If she does not like the accommodations, you might tell her that this is a "trial" apartment and if she does well you will move her to a larger place. Encourage her to participate in the activities.
Another alternative to a facility is the possibility of home health care that specializes in the care of those with declining mental health. I don't know if you looked into this as a possibility, but this is another option.
You can explain to her in a positive manner that she will be staying at the ALF to build her strength and work on her health, but what happens when you leave? I would focus on how the facility will handle her resistance. I would see how they handle people who are there deemed incompetent. What happens if she tries to walk or wheel herself out? What if she calls a cab or tries to get in the car with a stranger? I'd figure that out now, so you and the facility are prepared.
Do you know if she needs a Secure facility? I would discuss that in detail and have one lined up in case she does start wandering.
You are protecting your mother and placing her somewhere she can get the help she needs. I don't see why you would feel guilty. Once she is settled and is having her needs met, I would be so proud of that accomplishment. It's extremely stressful and requires an enormous amount of time, effort and work to have a resistant dementia patient placed. I feel like it took years off my life. Try to take care of yourself. I suffered health wise afterwards. The stress can really harm you in ways you never expected. There is light at the end though. Eventually, you can take a deep breath and relax. Just try to get through the first couple of days. I'd discuss whether you should visit for awhile with the ALF. Some have recommendations. I think that staying away for a week or two, so that she can adjust is a good idea. It depends on the person.