How do I help my husband cope with his mother's dementia? She is a strong willed otherwise fairly healthy 88 year old. She provokes "arguing" behavior with him. He spends one night a week at her home since we live almost 200 miles away. If I am with him she is less likely to "argue." She lives alone and insists that she will never leave her house. She will nag him for hours with "I don't want you coming all this way. I don't need you to come. I am not hurting anyone." If I am there I tell her she is hurting him by saying these things to a loving, caring wonderful son and let's talk about something else. That is usually enough to make her settle down, but if not, she just keeps hearing the exact same thing from me. He tries to reason with her, point out why she needs assistance. She fights back and this can last for hours. He comes home mentally, emotiionally and physically (he takes care of her yard and maintenance as well as all financials) exhausted. Any suggestions on how he might deal with this?
Arguing with a person who has dementia just makes matters worse. The Alzheimer's Association has a terrific brain "tour" on their site that can really help people understand what is happening to their parent or spouse's brain. The organization also helps counsel and educate people and offers enormous support.
Both of you would do well to spend a lot of time on www.alz.org and take advantage of the education. Knowing how to handle the person who has dementia can go a long way toward making life more bearable for everyone.
Good luck,
Carol