How do I help my husband cope with his mother's dementia? She is a strong willed otherwise fairly healthy 88 year old. She provokes "arguing" behavior with him. He spends one night a week at her home since we live almost 200 miles away. If I am with him she is less likely to "argue." She lives alone and insists that she will never leave her house. She will nag him for hours with "I don't want you coming all this way. I don't need you to come. I am not hurting anyone." If I am there I tell her she is hurting him by saying these things to a loving, caring wonderful son and let's talk about something else. That is usually enough to make her settle down, but if not, she just keeps hearing the exact same thing from me. He tries to reason with her, point out why she needs assistance. She fights back and this can last for hours. He comes home mentally, emotiionally and physically (he takes care of her yard and maintenance as well as all financials) exhausted. Any suggestions on how he might deal with this?
Either that or the classic men's rule of "when all else fails, read the manual"?! Or, as you say, stress and fatigue making him impatient with working it out. Hope things start to ease up for you both soon.
He's not seeing it and probably isn't going to see it. Continue to be calm and repetitive with both of them and hope for the best. Be as clear as you can with him on your part in it and don't give in. It's fine if you state there are certain ways in which you'll help but I just mean that your idea that he has to organize her care is something I think you're going to have to be firm about. I have to wonder if he's really clear on what that's going to take.