My mom died 3 years ago. I have 1 sister but she doesn't have a relationship with our dad. I talk to my dad every week for an hour and a half (usually the same conversations over and over). I am all he has. I have known for several years that he has symptoms of dementia, but I just go along with whatever he says. Today, for the first time, he has turned against me. He said I visited him 2 weeks ago and stole his tax returns. He also said it appeared I was on narcotics. The last time I was really there was in December. I have been planning to visit him next week, to go to the tax preparer and also to help him with his bank account. He claims that he has no money and his social security and retirement pay aren't going into his bank account. I was on the phone with his bank and him 3-4 weeks ago to go over his account and the money is going in, but he doesn't believe it. So today when we talked on the phone, he turned on me for the first time. He said I was there 2 weeks ago and took his tax returns. I kept saying I wasn't there, and he is convinced I was. He got very angry, told me not to come next week and hung up. I don't know what to do next!!! Help!!
Do YOU have a relationship with your sister? Because she is his daughter and part of the family. If he has any property or funds, she will be part of his will. The two of you need to sit down and discuss what to do. Dad is obviously on a downslide. If it is dementia, it will get worse. And, if it’s a Urinary Tract Infection and it goes untreated it will also get worse. Dad is not himself, for whatever reason and things cannot go on like this. His paranoid behavior will soon include everyone, not just you.
It’s very hard to accept the fact that you may now have to become the parent. It will be a battle. You won’t be able to reason with Dad. People who suffer from dementia can’t reason things out. As has been said here, their brains are “broken”. They will yell and argue for hours about some inconsequential thing and then be sweet as pie.
Make a decision about what you can and will do. First, Dad needs to see a doctor. Who will take him? Second, Dad needs caregiving if he lives alone. Can and will you research and arrange for it long distance? Third, are you willing to uproot your life by either moving closer or moving HIM closer? If you feel you need to step in and take over, this is not something that you can do once a week for a few hours. It’s a lot of work and he won’t be cooperative. You can contact his local Agency for Aging in his county of residence and ask for help from them. Good luck and keep us updated. We’ve been there.
Call his local town police NON-emergency number and tell them that your dad lives alone and seems not to be himself; you are worried about his health.
If this is not under the jurisdiction of the police in his municipality, ask who you call call for a wellness check. It may be APS or the local Area Agency on Aging.
Are you in touch with your father's doctor? You might consider calling his office and telling them about is sudden onset of confusion and ask them what they recommend.
Has your dad been diagnosed with dementia? It sounds like it's a surmise on your part, and probably a good one. Dementia patients shouldn't live alone past the earliest stages and it sounds as though dad may have passed that point.
Dad doesn't have weapons in his house, does he? If he does, please talk to the police /APS/AAA (whomever you call) about that fact.
Just to prepare you, if your dad is a danger to himself or others, they may take him to a psychiatric facility for an involuntary evaluation, which can be a good thing. Meds can be prescribed which won't reverse his dementia, but may allow him to be calmer and less paranoid (I don't mean drugged; I mean calm and alert).
Are you in contact with any of his neighbors? Is there any way that you can get on a plane tomorrow and go be the "boots on the ground" to see what is happening?
My mother said some absolutely terrible things to me in the last years of her life. Surprised the crap out of me in the beginning and you have to steel yourself to not react or go overboard when they say totally off the wall stuff.
Yes an UTI can cause mental status changes. As it sounds that your dad is a Vet, try to connect with his local VFW or American Legion to assess any benefits he may have locally to check in on him- maybe Aide & Attendance, which he may qualify for.
It’s so hard to manage elderly parents from far away. It would be great if he could be moved to the AF long term care center.
((((((hugs))))))))). We're here with you. Let us know how this is going; we LEARN from each other here, and we care!
Stick around; there are good, nonjudgmental people here and there is usually someone awake to give advice around the clock.
See All Answers