My mom needs some help, she is living her last years miserable and unhappy. What Can I do for Mom?

Good Heavens, My Heart Goes Out to All of you! Hugs all around. Hang in there...this will pass...hopefully before any of you do.

She's going through a difficult time. She probably feels helpless and like she's losing herself, empathize with her. Set aside time to spend with her alone or as a family bring and just show love and support. Bring something you two can do, something she likes to do, puzzle, games, something interactive; it may seem like she's got it all but can still feel alone which is tough. This is what I'd do at least. Dedicate a day each week for a few hours to mom and tell her this is what you'll do for her because you want to see her happy. I think she just want to not feel forgotten and feel love from family. I figured out that in those times of our life when we can no longer care for ourselves and rely on others we become angry. My dad suffered a stroke and he can be a terror, he was used to being self sufficient so I understand but I talk with him (since in out of state but still handle his matters) and he calms down. Another option or addition to.... get her a therapist to visit with her .

I feel for you. It is difficult. My mother is 92 years old currently lives with me but too is miserable, unhappy and depressed. She now wants to go in a nursing home after sale of her home thinks she iwll be happy. She and I dont really "like" each other and I am happy to let her go. My husband wants to inherit the money and keep her. She is a miser, cold, selfish and greedy. She never gave or wanted to give any of her children a nickel. I say good riddance and get on with my life which she has sucked out of me since she has been with me. Hang in there. Maybe you dont want what I want butI say she has lived long enough. I dont have the room to tell you the horrid things she has done to me in my lifetime.

Get her a full physical and psych exam and get her meds reviewed. Maybe she can take an anti-depressant or something for anxiety. Ruling out these things, unfortunately, some people are just miserable--at any age. I do believe though that aging tends to magnify someone's core personality. As a care giver, I have never once encountered a negative, miserable older person who was previously kind, easy-going and loving--except for maybe a bad case of later stage Alzheimer's which is par for the course in some cases. Either way, don't feel trapped. You can care for your Mom and yourself by placing her in a nice facility. Being around peers might be a good change for you both.

Dealing with the same with my father. I've come to learn that I've had to fight my feelings not hers. We are "trained" from a very early age that to get attention from our parents we have to "please" them. First smile? We get praised, first spoonful of food in our mouth, we get praised. Learn to crawl, we get praised, walk our first steps we get lots and lots of praise, good grades, we get praised..etc, etc, etc, etc...thoughout our lives (Ok...maybe not so much in our teen years for some of us). Point is, we have spent a lifetime seeking praise from our parents because it feels good to make them happy and it makes us feel good about ourselves.

And then.... suddenly our parents are no longer the same. They see us as not so praiseworthy anymore. They see us as having, somehow, let them down by not making them feel better, when, truth be known, there's no way to make those that get like this feel better...they are at the ends of their lives, losing control and miserable and taking out on us for not doing what we've been able to do all our lives though our actions...making them smile, making them happy and proud.

It can't be done anymore and it's missed by both sides. Knowing this fact, that this stage of our lives is gone, it's time to take stock and realize it and just do what you can, not expecting praise...quite the opposite in fact, from our parents. We need to retrain ourselves to deal with that fact, and and accept the truth of it. Mom/Dad is not going to praise us anymore (or at least rarely) and will instead be mad at us for their aging and the changes in their lives. Take the blame and move on...and be happy. Love them, except who they've become, and let their new negativity it fall off you like water off a duck. You'll be happier for it... let the training begin!

All of you whose mom is both still alive and NOT living with you don't know how blessed you are. My sister died at 33 leaving behind her 11yr old son and 7yr old daughter who needed her (and still need her) tremendously. My mother, 74, has been living with me for almost 4 years now and is deteriorating in a plummeting fashion. I am at my wits end! She sits on the side of her bed in her room (that used to be my kids' playroom) either staring at the walls, reading a book, or flipping randomly through some papers (that I'm sure allude her). I've hauled the exercise bike up from the basement and placed it just outside her door in the living room to make it as easy as I can for her to ride it to train and maintain what's left of her mobility. Her legs have become so weak her knees press together when she stands. I have to manage all of her affairs and remind her of what's going on each day or what she needs to do. She complains about being so old and that 'all this' is inevitable, and I try to tell her that for an older person, she is still very young! She is very scared and confused and angry, that is when she can remember how she feels. When she first moved in 3.5yrs ago, she was still active, mobile, 'doing things,' etc. Then she lost her footing that fall and fell on her rump in the hallway. She was not injured, and we laughed about it that evening. She was a little stiff and sore the next few days and began going to see the urgent care, getting xrays, seeing her primary care doctor, etc.--everyone she could think of to see if she had broken anything. In between all her dr visits, she would either sit on her bed reading or take a nap (usually 3 naps a day). That was the beginning of her free-fall decline. I'm desperate. I still have school-age kids. I had tried to start my own business but had to devote too much time to her to make a go of it. My husband travels extensively. I used to enjoy my time at home when the kids were at school--taking care of the yard, cleaning the house, organizing things, running errands. Now I have this person 'existing' here. The living dead. Just sucking the life out of me. I haven't cleaned my house in 3 years (I do spot clean things), but it's just overwhelming! My son has special needs and I have a lot of meetings at the school and with his teachers and I have to write for him at night to do his homework. It's just TOO MUCH! I try to talk to my mom about how important it is that she keep her mind active--keep a journal, go do things at the senior centers (we have two nearby), get some exercise. She resents it all. She's a 'grown woman' and 'should be able to do what she wants.' Then I find myself trying the guilt angle and telling her she will be completely helpless soon and I will be the one having to pick her up to put her in her wheelchair, wipe her butt, feed, her, handle ALL her business matters and that she could HELP ME by at least doing what she could to keep as active as possible to maintain what's left of her body and her mind, but she won't. It's like she's not there any more, even though she acts like she is. I can't take it.

I just got back from my brother's home in Texas. I was there 10 days, helping to find an assisted living facility for my father. We finally got him settled into a wonderful place. Dad was resistant at first, but my brother and sis in law just couldn't continue to care for his medical needs. COPD, Congestive Heart Failure, Liver Failure, unsteady walking...it was just to much. He's resigned to the fact that he's in bad shape now, and needs the help he can get from assisted living. We did this for dad and for my brother and sis in law. It was the best thing to do, and now we are all breathing a sigh of relief. We don't think dad has long to live, but he's in a good place for now.

Is your mother eligible for Medicaid? Can she pay for assisted living do you know? If she can afford it, it's time to get here there I think. You must have your own life too.

Just realized I'm posting to a very old post. I do wonder what happened with this woman and her mother. I hope it all worked out, and for those others with sad stories in here.

(the original post may be old, but my portion is new. thank you for responding!)
We can't afford assisted living. I don't know how it is back in Texas (where we're from), but in New York, it's $4-5K/month! OMG! Whooooo has that kind of money?! (as far as 'average' pp go, that is) She's not on Medicaid. I don't even know how that works. She does have Medicare and supplemental, so her dr visits and meds don't cost anything out of pocket. I just don't know who to turn to for help! (my husband's in Belgium as we speak, then next week he's off to Tokyo and he had just gotten back from San Francisco!) I either need a 'babysitter' to come in for about 4-6 hours/day, midday, or, better yet, I need her someplace where else so I can have MY LIFE back! It's exhausting, depressing, and quite frankly, it's just not friggin' fair. She's given up. I've done everything I can do and she hates it. Why do I have to be subjected to that?

Dustien: I just reread your post and noticed you found a place in Texas for your dad. Where about it Texas? (We're from Plano/Dallas) Is it less than $3000/mo.? I really think my mom would LOVE something like that--esp. back in Texas. Being in New York is one of the things she hates the most, next to my husband (who feeds her and keeps this nice roof over her head!)

So, overwhelmed, what are Mom's resourses? Does she get a pension, Soc Sec? Does she own a home?

She needs to use HER resources to pay for her care. Look into Adult Day Care. Talk to her doctor about whether she needs nursing home care. I believe Medicaid has waivers that will pay for AL in NY. A consult with an elder care attorney would also be a wise move.

Babalou: Thank you for your reply. Really? Medicaid will help pay for AL?? OMG-that would be AMAZING! She LOVES to talk to people about herself, and I think she would LOVE to be around other people with whom she feels she has something in common. We've talked about it, looked at websites, etc., it just seems cost-prohibitive. And then she's like "those people are so much older than I am." And I'm like EXACTLY! That's what I keep trying to tell you--you're not as old as you think you are--74 is still young in the grand scheme of things! I will look into that (AL). I think that would be a blessing all the way around. She doesn't get a pension, but she does get a decent SS deposit every month. It's only a drop in the bucket as far as what AL charges. An elder care attorney's a good idea too. Thank you.