My mom has dementia. She can remember a lot of things even from her past but still forgets things. How do I help her?

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I want to know how to help understand mom has dementia is forgetting to bath eat her doctor says she would benefit in an assistant living but that would be her choice but she was put in an assistant living by my sister but she doesn't know it because my sister tells her she's in the hospital my mom doesn't want to be there my sister has POA without consulting with the rest of her siblings my mom said she never gave my sister that right how can we have rights to POA the reason she ended up on assistant living is because my sister wasn't making sure she was taken her medication eatting so my mom now become dehydrated and malnutrition and taken to the hospital from there they told me she wasn't being taken care of and needs to be with someone that will care for her so my sister just tells them to put her in assistant living we were all upset because my sister never call me to inform us what was happening with our mom I don't live near several hours away I feel my sister negated my mom so this would be easy for her to just put her away my sibling and I are very angry my sister did this I feel and I know if my mom live near me this would never happen what can I do I want to help bring my mom to live near me where I know I can help look out for her well being and she has the rest of the family that would help please advise me I already got infor from a lawyer but my sister is not making it easy we just want to help mom

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I'm a New yorker. My siblings stole my Mother's home via a quit-claim deed. The cops said it was civil and a gurdian was put in place. The guardian sold the home, and Mom is in a nursing home, what can I do?
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momskeeper, thank you for that candid after-the-fact assessment on the at-home/in-care-center question.
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If your Mom has dementia and is in assisted living then be happy for her and thank your sister for putting her there. Even if you lived next door to your Mom you could not change things for her and it would drain you.
My Mother has some dementia but it isn't very bad, yet. Her short term memory is terrible but her long term memory is great. To be perfectly honest, if I had known what I was getting into, I would have let my siblings put her in a NH. That will sound selfish to some of you but I feel like I have lost the sweet, caring Mother who raised me. It makes it hard on your spouse because you can't go places with them and you are too tired to really care.
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Part of the problem is none of you knew what situation your mother was in. Your sister was there and not getting any help and not wanting to do it herself or call anyone else. She made herself poa and that was probaly feesible since she was there. If you want to step up you will need an attorney and a plan for her care. Either her living with you and having caregiver assistance, doctors etc. ready for her. Or placing her in another care facility near you. if you are going to beat this in court so they will give you poa. No judge is going to just let her out without 24hr care from someone and moving her as well. I don't mean to sound harsh but that is exactly how they are going to look at it and you are going to have to have a plan in place or you won't have a leg to stand on. I hope your mom receives the best care she deserves and your family can find some peace and a way to heal your relationship with one another. Personally, my family has been ripped in half with no way to repair the damage that has been done, over my parents.
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Looking back on caring for my Grandmother in my home for Five years with dementia. I was very naive and if I had to do it all over again I think the only thing I would have done differently is not to try and correct her when she spoke of the past as the current. Who cares...........When she wondered off talking about days in her youth and early marriage why would it be important to correct. After about a year I caught on. If they were happy times and she was not distressed in the moment I would just agree. It seem to keep her confussion and frustration down. My Grandmother had no memory of my Mother, her daughter. i believe it was because she was living with me and to her I was her daughter. I went with it. We as a family did too because she was comfortable knowing I was her daughter. It was my face she saw every morning and everynight getting ready for bed. This was the hardest work I have ever done in my life and unless you are capable of being available 24/7 caring you might think twice. It is a disease that attacts the most precious part of our body, The mind. With that said you can talk till you blue in the face but short term memory is gone and is deterirating rapidly. You have to monitor everything in their care. They cannot help it and why it is such a cruel disease. It is hard looking at an adult who many more times than others is as curious and dangerous as a two year old left alone. You would not leave a baby and you cannot leave them. I am fortunate to have a family that supported me in supporting my Grandmother. My life was on hold. I made that decision but at the time I had no clue what I was getting into. I do not regret my decison but I also am aware we had no options because Assisted Living or Nursing Homes were not an option $.
The last two years were the worst. You are feeding,bathing,diapers and watching someone you love slip away. She was not bed riden so that kept me on my toes because she could get up and be out the door before you knew it.
So maybe your sister was doing this for you siblings not to have to make the decisio, I don't know but I do think it worth you all going to some support groups to get a better idea of what you will be accepting as a fulltime job caring for a demetia patient before anyone throws stones. I wish you all the best and please know we all here on this site are here to give an opinion looking in from the outside and never never passing judgements. We are all for supporting each of us with the cards we have been dealt. Good Luck and please follow up with us all and let us know how you are doing. I care and we all care. Best to you always.........Lisa
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Well, puzzlesncards2, if mother could remember to open an envelop every day, she might not need the reminder! :-) I am seeing this scene play out in my mind's eye. Mom opens the envelop. It says to take a bath. OK. But it is not bath time yet. So Mom folds the paper up very neatly into a little square and tucks it into the saucer under the flowerpot, for safe keeping. A little while later she notices the stack on envelopes and thinks she'd better open one. She does. It reminds her to eat. But, she thinks, she did already eat today. But maybe she will eat again later. She folds the messages into a neat tiny square and puts it in the freezer.

Sigh. When the basic problem is loss of memory, it is pretty hard to rely on a reminder system they have to remember to use!
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CarmenMaria... I'm thinking about your question on how to help your mother remember to take a bath and eat.

You might try giving your mother 7 envelopes each week for her to open one each day. Inside the envelope in large type. Today day I shall take a bath, or something like that, even a picture of a tub.

Plus, Today, I am hungry, it is time to eat.

Just a suggestion. More caregiver tips:
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I am currently in the same position as your sister. My mother asked to live with me at age 81 and gave me POA (5 1/2 years ago). I have done absolutely everything to take good care of her. I work full time and have no family here to help me. I have developed a health problem that is exacerbated by stress and this has definitely been the most stressful experience of my life. I did everything for my mother including sleeping with a baby monitor in my room every night. I thought she had a good life in a nice home and neighborhood. I bought her a dog, new bedroom furniture, took her to have her nails and hair done and everywhere with me I possibly could to get her out. But I have learned that she told everyone but me who would listen how miserable and unhappy she was and that the way she was living was inhumane. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and is very healthy due to my diligence where her health is concerned. Two months ago she started running away and that escalated to the point that I was concerned about her safety and I put her in assisted living. She told my daughter that I had all her money which isn't much, like I took it from her and I haven't spent any of it on her care. She wants it now because she wants to move back home, 600 miles away but there is no one there to help her. I have been upset, depressed and exhausted and am hoping I can finally find some peace now that she isn't living with me. I am still doing her laundry, taking her to the Drs and providing for her needs outside of the facility. But putting her there may have saved my life even though I am sure some people think I've mistreated her. The police have been to my home a number of times because of her running away and I'm sure if they thought there was a problem with me they would've had Social Services involved. It is impossible to tell someone what caring for an individual with dementia and depression due to the fact that they know somethings wrong, is like. It takes every bit of your energy and fortitude. Don't judge your sister and be glad that you didn't have to walk in her shoes or it would be you that your mother is upset with. Families need to learn to work together in these situations if at all possible. Being a caregiver is a thankless, demanding, 24 hour a day job. If you were being paid to do it, you would probably think it was worth no amount of money. Just be grateful that your mother is OK now. You can't force people with dementia to do anything they decide they don't want to do and some of her health issues were more than likely due to her behavior.
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Dementia has many levels ( eight, I think), and it can be devastating to the caregiver. Short-term memory loss is one of the earliest stages and can be dealt with fairly easily. You just have to watch her every day, at all times. Don't worry about it if she forget things. Perhaps you could enjoy the long-term memories together with her.....so mcuh fun.
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*Trying* said it perfectly. Parents can put on excellent behavior around people who only visit even if it's an effort they won't make for the caregiver.
Nurses and acquaintances always tell me how sweet and adorable mom is. I think of it as her "Date night" behavior, LOL.
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