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My husband, children and I live 2.5 hours away from my parent's house. My children and I have been staying with my mom since the beginning of March when she went to the ER, admitted, and discharged home then admitted at home to Hospice due to cancer.


My mom has always even long before she was diagnosed with cancer back in 2018 liked to make the evenings more about her (likes to go to bed late) and not worry about others bedtime (i.e. myself and small children.


Fast-forward to the present on Hospice. The evening routine is daunting. She DRAGS it out. Everything that I ask her to do earlier (the evening/late afternoon) is thought about, and pushed out until I am ready to spend the evening with my sweet little ones who I DESPERATELY miss. They are with me, and I DEEPLY miss them. All my time has been going to mom, and it makes me sick right now. She monopolizing my time in the evening. Wanted to do foot soaks, and everything she keeps asking for is right where she needs it. I know all the stall tactics so I have everything ready (Kleenex, phone, water, tv, bedcontrol, 2 bedside tables, lotion, hand sanitizer, snack, remote control, towel, mouth swabs, everything.


I don't mind helping her in the evenings, but when it starts to be an hour, two hours, three hour routine dragged out it just really disappoints, discourages makes me really upset inside. Takes away from myself and my kids after I've been helping around the clock. Last night, I told her that I needed to recruit my dad to come downstairs and take over so that I could get in the bed (sofa bed next to her room the old dining room). I told my mom I needed to be with my babies. Snuggle, get night snackies and drinks, talk to them, watch TV. They need their mama, and quite frankly I need them. I really miss them. I told her that I needed and wanted my babies. I told her that my children are important like her and that I won't neglect them to pay attention to her 24/7 like I have been. Not fair to them.


After I recruited my dad downstairs, my dad and my mom were whispering and then my dad said I think you may need to leave for a few days. This has been back and forth (yet another control tactic). The last time I went home for a week break and left my mom to my dad and sisters care of turned out not so great. She was over-medicated amongst other things. A few moments later after coming downstairs, he started talking about finances. His behavior is quite disgusting to me during this time that my mom is on hospice.


Between the two of them.... Right now.... I am just so disappointed and disgusted at both of their behavior.


I hate to sound like the martyr, but seriously......
This is awful....
The dynamics and behavior right now....
The financial abuse....
The pitting against one another....
The manipulative behaviour(s)......

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Stress, do you WANT to go home and be with your husband?
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lkdrymom May 2020
I was wondering how her husband was ok with not seeing his family since March.
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You have two difficult parents. With your mother, first talk to hospice about your mother’s progression through the cancer to the end. Some hospice services seem very generous about how they interpret limits, and you may choose differently if your mother is likely to pass in four weeks compared with ‘well it’s hard to tell, it could be several months’. You can promise to return when the end is close, but for heavens sake don’t act like a servant for weeks and weeks just because she has always preferred a late bedtime.

With your father, just accept that he is a selfish controlling nasty man whose behaviour is genuinely disgusting. Once you have accepted that this is true, it will help you to put your own family first.

So what if sister over-medicates your mother? Mother is dying, and over-medication can make it easier for her as well as everyone else. Your parents can make their care easier for everyone if they want to, with or without medication, and that will also make it better for them. If they whisper about it and both choose not to be reasonable, it’s on their own heads, not yours.
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Stress, a father who prints out how much he’s spent on you and holds it over you is cruel and mentally sick. Parents provide for their children out of love and caring, not for some twisted payback. And when those children become adults, married ones with their own children, you separate from your parents, most especially in financial matters. Your cruel father shouldn’t know anything about your money situation, not how much or how little you have, not that you can’t make a car payment, nothing. You knew how he was and you still let him have that knowledge and control. Don’t take another cent from him! It’s the only way he will ever respect you. Don’t share another word with him about finances, that’s for you and your husband to know, respect your husband enough to leave your father out of it. Any care you provide your mom, and most of us here doubt the level of participation should be nearly what it’s been, should be on your terms, because you care, not because dad is holding money cover you. You’ve found a forum of caring people, don’t let us want better for you than you want for yourself and your own family. We wish you the best
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Stress, let me point something out to you.

Oobligation in families goes forward. From parent to child. Not in the other direction at least in non 3rd world societies where there is a safety net for impoverished parents.

Your primary obligation, financial and emotional is to your minor children and your marriage.

Your father's obligation (financial and emotional) is to your mom.

He is trying to get something for nothing.

Move on. Move home.
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I know what you are going through, I was going through the same thing with my mother she has Parkinson. I will literally not see my husband and kids for weeks. I had to make my own decisions to remove myself from both of my parents. I love her and care about her but for the sake of my family and mental state I had to remove myself. All my family were putting all the responsibility on me. What I did, I put her in a nursing home that took years to find her one. I ask for help everywhere and no help. I got into a deep depression where I wanted to hurt myself. So if you want to save yourself and your family. Find a good place for her and live your life because your parents had the opportunity to live theirs lives. I know I sound harsh but that's what I had to do for my own little family.

Ps. Don't let anyone put you down or blame anything on you. Don't let anyone tell you you didn't enough because you did. Taking care of a sick disabled person is really hard. I admire you for have the patience and strength to go through it. God Bless you 🙏!
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Stop confusing money, love and obligation.

Go HOME.
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Stress, Are you noticing a trend here?

Go home. Today.
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Good lord. Go home immediately and take care of your own family. Your parents are not going to change. And then stick to your guns.
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You have spent almost three months there - time to go home.
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I agree with Grandma. Tell her you are off the clock at 7pm so everything ends to be done by then. If it isn't Dad can help her...and by the way where is Dad during all of this? Why isn't he doing the bulk of the work?

He told you to go home because he knew you'd feel guilty. Quite frankly I'd be packing so fast and out of there that night. You owe it to your kids. Sometimes you can't save people from themselves. Just save you and your kids. Leave now!
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Who is caring for your children when you can't, Dad?

I read your other post and replied to it. You are being taken advantage of. If Mom is 70 then Dad cannot be much older. He is perfectly able to take care of Mom, he just chooses not to. If he is caring for your kids he can care for her. Hospice should be supplying an aide for bathing and the Nurse should be there at least 3x a week. Nurse is available 24/7. You have sisters, then let them do some of the work. Don't worry if they don't do it the way you would. Seems like Mom can speak for herself. To me it seems like u have selfish parents. Taking your time away from your children.

I bet you are the daughter who was always there. The one who could be made to feel guilty. Who just did without question and sisters would say no or just not do. Been there.

Its time to go home. Your children need a mother and father. Tell them you r going home for that "couple" of days and don't return. If ur being paid no amount of money is worth it. You have tried to set boundries and they feel their wants are more important than your childrens. Once home, call Hospice and tell them you won't be returning. It wasn't working out. That she may want to get those who will be caring for Mom together and go over medication because u think she overdoses when ur not there.
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Go home and stay there. Accept that you can’t fix the mess your parents have created. If things go badly without you being there it’s not your fault, it’s on them to handle and get appropriate help. You’re shortchanging your marriage and children by staying at your parents and they will resent you for it. Stop allowing your parents to control you, you’re an adult free to handle your own life. This is the advice you received last time here, it’s time to ask yourself why you can’t make a lasting change for your husband and children?
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You need to be firm with your mother , explain the evenings will be your own to spend with your children. Father needs to step up and help in the evenings, plain and simple! You are not Hercules or Superwoman, none of us are. I feel bad for your mom with cancer, it is sad, but there has to be some limits, or you will burn out, if not already. She might be lonely, and scared at night and your dad needs to help. Why not have your dad sleep on the sofa bed in the next room? I would make hospice aware, she might need some medication to calm her. I would take a few days with your children and go home. You will be surprised how a little time out will refresh and enlighten you. My mom lately has been up most of the night, and when she does not sleep I do not sleep. She has a Telehealth appointment on Monday with her Neurologist. I am going to get some antianxiety medication prescribed. We all need our rest to be productive.
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So....don't putt up with the behaviors of your parents.. Set a goal of time you want to be with your kids in the evening and stick with it. You are letting your parents control you. Can't she get her foot soak during the day etc? Have things laid out for her evening during the day. When the time comes to be with your kids, simply announce you are retiring for the evening and don't let them change that unless it's am emergency!! Will it upset them? Off course!" Stands your ground! The next time they suggest you go back home, do it. Let dad and sisters be in charge. Don't fret over what might happen if you're not there. You have 1 chance in life to enjoy your children while they are young. DO IT !!
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GO HOME!!!!!! Or say "no, sorry, not now. Need to put the kids to bed".

Can you say no to your parents? If you can't, your parents need to make other arrangements.
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I'm sorry for your distress that is obviously having such an impact on all aspects of your life. I understand they are your parents, but no matter the circumstances, your primary obligation is to your own immediate family. If you are orbiting around your parents it is because you are choosing to do so. So unchoose it. Put up boundaries and stick to them. You don't owe controlling, dysfunctional parents any explanation -- they ought to know and choose not to. If your parents are financially secure, they are certainly able to hire quality in-home caregivers, and should. If you are being lured by parental monies or the promise/expectation of an inheritance: stop. You will never be free of the control as long as you react to the money thing. I know, I've been threatened with disinheritance and when I called their bluff, the relationship dynamics changed for the better (for me, anyway). And it was liberating and clarifying to me. I wish you peace in your heart as you set up protective boundaries and wish you all the best as you work through the issues with your parents!
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Stress2020 May 2020
Ah so you understand the financial threats. Nice to know someone has words to describe how I feel. They are not wealthy by any means, but comfortable, okay with finances. My dad has always been financially controlling with my, sister, and myself. He loves to give us print outs of how much money he has given to us, a list of all the years added up. Don't get me wrong. I am VERY thankful. I am extremely appreciative, but no amount of money that you give me gives you or allows you the right to treat me like a child (shouldn't even treat a child the way I've been treated at times). I'm a grown adult. I don't like him holding this over my head (car payment). I've always told him that at anytime he decides to stop paying it, that it's okay, I appreciate all that he's done and I will figure something out just let me know ahead of times so that I can plan accordingly.

The fact that he's using that as a threat now repulses me to the core..... Especially while my mom is dying. Unbelievably insensitive, uncaring and controlling, and then to deal with my mom. Almost unbearable at times. Shameful. Disheartening
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Flat out tell her that after 7:00 PM you are going to be with your children. So she needs to have everything ready by then or she will have to do it herself or dad can do what she needs done.
Then tomorrow at 6:30 remind her that she is on her own after 7. At 7:00 tell her good night and go be with your kids. Don't respond to her after 7. If she sleeps in the clothes she wore all day, if she does not get her foot soak, if she does not have a box of tissues...she will remember that at 6:30 and make a better choice when you remind her that at 7 you are with your kids.
If your dad says again...maybe you should go home..then pack your bags and go. Contact the Hospice Social Worker and let her/him know that mom and dad are going to be on their own.

Not sure how the financial aspect of this is working but if you are getting paid to care for your mom you are probably not getting paid enough for a 24 hour day. They can hire someone else from 7 PM until 7 AM if it is needed.

You also have to take into account how the emotional stress is taking a toll on your kids. Is it worth it? And what is this doing for your relationship with your husband..he should come before your parents.
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Stress2020 May 2020
I appreciate your response. It's comforting to know that this is a safe place to come and vent. To let it all out. To get feedback from others. I spoke to my sister today, and I told her that there needs to be a schedule. We agreed over the phone that we need to have a printed out schedule. My sister suggested that we all rotate nights (me, dad, sister, me, dad, sister, etc. etc.). We agreed that we need to start the process of getting ready for bed by 6pm latest. I told my sister that I I do this every 3rd day that I have to end.at 7pm. We are going to post this as a "friendly reminder."
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