My mom insists that she wants to continue to live in her own home. She is sound mind. Short of breath and such low energy. Losing weight. Some times it is so scary, I don't want to leave her house. Yesterday I was afraid she would not wake from her nap. I called the cardiologist and got an appointment for her for today, but while I showed up at her house feeling OK... I didn't exercise, my hip is in terrible pain when I walk, I feel like crying, cancelled time with my son who I haven't seen since January. This morning I can hardly move. I need to be strong so that mom doesn't see how worried I am.
BTW, when she woke up after an extraordinarily long nap, she was better and said I shouldn't have cancelled on my son. I got home and ate fudgecicles for dinner... could go a long way to explaining why I feel so terrible this morning.
Mom interviewed the daughter of someone who does 'healthy bones' exercises with her, and acquaintence. The daughter is lovely, younger than me, lives closer than me, is happy to go to mom's house and spend time with her. This woman can be helpful, but the ugly truth is that I feel like I've disappointed my mom because I haven't given up my home (I quit my job... stress), and I'm not there 100% of the time. When I see my mom like she was yesterday, I had to coax her to eat something for breakfast, lunch and dinner, it is beyond sad ... it drains the life out of me.
To get her to the cardiologist I cancelled all of the things I planned today, but I don't feel like doing them anyway... It's a terrible cycle and I'm struggling to find ways to stay happy and strong.. seeing her this way knows the life out of me and that's no good for her. I should be thankful I've had mom around for many, many years and I should be able to help her fade away in comfort and with some joy... but it's crushing me.