I recently became mom's caregiver, she has vascular dementia. How can I help her adjust to her new home with my husband and me?

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I transferred here after receiving a call from my youngest sister who shared power of attorney. The other sister that had power of attorney had a nervous breakdown, that developed a phobia of leaving her house. She did for a short while seek medical help and counseling, but then later quit going and treated herself.. then strange things started happening. She became obsessive and constantly taking vitals signs of my mom and determining how long she would live, etc.. Then she became aggressive if we suggested anything different about mom's care. My mom has short term memory, but still is able to most of her activities. My mom would humor her. What triggered the change this sister's daughter had a son recently, and I suggested to find a new apartment without stairs and more room before my mom wouldn't be able to adjust with her illness. This sister did agree, but I later discovered it was because she never thought I could find a place in the small rural town. I did find an opening, a senior built duplex and it took me 6 month's. One of my sister and I took my mom to view it, and she loved it. She even thought the difficult sister would agree. When I called this sister, she reacted aggressive and became threatening and verbally abusive. My mom then didn't want the apartment because she stated we can't make her mad or she won't help me anymore. That made me realize the situation was controlling my mother, this made my other sister's open up about the situation. I asked for my mother's doctor name and number since I didn't have it written down. Called the office the next day, my luck on vacation, I then was given a R.N., I told her why I was calling and the situation. She advise me to contact a social worker on aging to evaluate the situation. I told this sister about the help I contacted. She then took a different turn, started acting pleasant but packed her bags and left! My mom is still able to do most of her routines, just needs someone to make sure she doesn't take her medicine incorrectly and make sure her diet is good. She doesn't want a nursing home. My other sister's and I decided I would take her in. My husband is retired, but works again, and was able to work nights, while I work days. My mom seems to be adjusting well, but I am worried. I bought her a cell phone, printed out new paper work, had it witnessed by family and notarized for me to handle the health. Two other sisters will handle the finances. I know I need to find a doctor for her here. I will talk to mine and her doctor who they would recommend. I set up my guest room with her things. I am going to take the day off work to get organized and find a doctor before something happens..etc any other advice?

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Cee Cee You are on the right track and everything SA is telling you is true.
My MIL had vascular dementia which at least in her case was caused by multiple small strokes and from the descriptions I received followed much the same course as other dementias. We were not in the same country at the end of her life so the supervision fell to my BIL and his wife.
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Thank you for that knowledge. I am trying to set up the same routines she had established before.
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My Dad has vascular dementia and lives with us. One thing that helps him is routine, routine, routine. Did I say routine?! Dependable home care workers who he knows, meals same time every day, snacks at the same time, everything is predictable. So when his memory slips he stays calm because he knows things are running smoothly. Little kids and dogs thrive in predicable environments where they know what to expect. So does he. Once the system is in place your life will be much easier. Good luck!
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CC, that's the smartest move you'll ever make. You will need all the help and support you can get. I'm glad to hear you're making those arrangements now! What a relief! Nobody should take this role on alone, not for any reason. It's just too much. With help, life for everyone will be much calmer and much more peaceful. It's good that you have such a large family. I really hope that your other sibs will step up and do the right thing when/if the time comes, and that you and your husband will get the breaks you'll need. I can't stress breaks enough. All the best...!
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Thank you for your advice. I am in the process of selecting help to come in my home if needed. I should have that set up within a week, I hope! I realize what is involved, she was in the care of one of my sisters already, who can't handle it anymore. I have four other sisters and one brother. I am going to try to do my best and take each day at a time.
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Ah, sorry, I'm brain dead today. Just realized that your mom does have dementia. Ok, well, then my advice to you is even more important. You WILL need help, and you will need breaks. Your mom won't get any better, she'll simply keep declining until she can't be left alone at all anymore. One of you will have to give up your job to deal with her, 24/7, sooner or later. I'm not sure if vascular dementia is the same as regular old dementia, or if the symptoms are the same. If they are, and I really don't know, it's just a matter of time before one of you is housebound with your mom around the clock. Eventually, she won't be able to do anything for herself anymore, including toileting, and you'll be doing it all, 24/7, and dementia patients can decline FAST. Again, and I can NOT stress this enough, you're going to need all the help you can get if you don't want to end up a prisoner in your own home.
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You should start looking for aides to come in to help you now, and also have an alternate plan about where your mom could live if it becomes too much for your family to handle. . How old is your mom? You could be looking at care giving for a decade, two decades. It doesn't sound to me like she has dementia or alz, which is great, but what if she develops one of those diseases down the road as she gets older? If that happens, one of you will HAVE to give up your job to stay home with her around the clock, or find other arrangements. I'd start looking into that now, not later, just in case. You can hire an in home care giver, but that's going to cost you an arm and a leg. It's good that you and your husband work different shifts, and that someone is going to be there with your mom all the time. You should also talk to your sisters about giving you and your husband a much needed break from time to time. Believe me, you'll need it. The impact on families that take on the care giving role can be overwhelming and huge. Unless you have some major help, especially if your mom declines to the point where she can't be left alone, sitting in the house all day and night will become your life. You won't be able to go anywhere, do anything, ever. That's a scary thought, but unfortunately, if you keep reading, that simple reality. You need HELP, the more the better. Make sure your sisters are willing to step up and take your mom in now and again so that you and your husband have time for each other, outings, and vacations. If you keep reading, a lot of siblings, when they realize what a huge responsibility the care giving role is, bail and leave one sibling to deal all alone. Try and work out a plan so that all of you share in this role, not just you and your husband. You might love your parent with all of your heart, but if it gets to the point where you lose hours at work, or lose your job altogether and suddenly find yourself housebound and staring at the walls for years on end, which does happen quite often in the care giving role, the stress can literally make you sick and destroy your marriage. Most people have absolutely no idea what they're actually in for when they take on an elderly parent, but they learn the hard way soon enough. Again, make arrangements with your sisters so that your mom stays with them part of the time, make sure you and your husband MAKE time for yourselves to get away. Just have a back up plan just in case it becomes overwhelming...and it can. Best of luck and I hope all is smooth sailing...
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