How can I help my mom deal with accusations of infidelity?

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I reassure her we know its not true, but he gets just crude. She had to spend time in a nursing home last year due to sepsis infection in her toe and he accused her of having sex with everyone (the men were lining up outside her room) he cuts her down constantly telling her she is a whore, and now(the last 2 years)...my younger sister and I are not his biological children only our older sister. He is a very smart man and very scientific and that seems to be all he talks about now. He has/had lung cancer and studied about Neurons and talks about them ALL the time. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him and gets mad when we suggest he go to the Dr. He actually has a brain tumor that is benign but has grown and has fluid around it, the Dr. told us it would be hard to determine if he has dementia or if its the tumor as it will act the same way as it grows. He won't have surgery, radiation treatment or take the steroids. NO one is touching his brain and the steroids he believes to react to his diabetic sugar levels. Don't know what to do anymore and I feel so bad for my mom, she won't go out anywhere to socialize as he only makes more accusations then, and she is scared to take him anywhere with him as she doesn't want to cause a scene. My oldest sister doesn't think its as bad as it is and says she will disown us if we put him in a home...so we are stuck. Any suggestions? How can mom deal with the accusations? I have given her the advice to change the subject or say he is the only man for her but he just goes on and on...

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Thanks all. I wish I could convince him to go in. I tried about 8 months ago and called his oncologist, they called and set up an appointment as it was past his recheck time...they ended up telling him I had called. So, he wouldn't go to any further appts they had suggested to him with the neurologist. Jinx, its hard not to start telling him what we really think, but that just gets him more aggitated. I called him last night just to ask him what he wanted for his birthday which is tomorrow and his response was "just my family to love and respect me" and ended up getting upset when I replied "we do dad" and then he went off on mom. He had the brain tumor before the lung cancer and it had not been growing. That is what did come out of the appointment I set up as they discovered that it has grown and has fluid around it. He doesn't believe he has changed and that's what they said would happen. They do have a cell phone but getting Mom an old one is a good idea. Its one of the hardest things when your parents get old and have medical issues. Thanks again for the responses. and captian...I don't wish this on you for one second...it is basically out with his wife and two daughters(who want to get him help) and only the FAVORITE can stay. It didn't bother me at first when he started saying I wasn't his, but when you hear it over and over it gets to you. After 42 years, he did the math...WHATEVER! He even has named 2 different fathers for me!
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I think the first thing to realize is that it is probably the tumor talking unless he has always been verbally abusive to his wife. Is you mother is in physical danger or can she protect herself? Does he have a gun or other weapons? if so they should get lost.
He won't be persuaded to see a Dr although he clearly has in the past. if the tumor continues to grow he will probably have a seizure and that is the time to call 911 and get him to an ER. Do it fast while he is semi conscious so he can't object.
Set up a safe place in the house where your mother can barracade herself and call 911 if she feels threatened. If she does not use a cell phone get her an old one and a charger and tell her to keep it charged and on her person at all times because even a cell without service allows you to call 911.
As far as the verbal abuse is concerned, it is clearly upsetting for Mom but there is little she can do about it except walk away and realize this is not the same man as she married and the talk is about his unbalanced mind not what he believes she is doing.
As well an the benign brain tumor Dad's lung cancer may have metastasized to his brain as well. Whether he is a smart man or not does not affect his current behavior. It is frustrating to him because he gets confused when he thinks of scientific things he can not longer remember and that is very frightening because on some level he realizes a little of what is happening to his mind.
This is very frightening for all concerned but consult an eldercare lawyer and get all the paperwork in order.It seems like forever but it may all be over faster than you expect.
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Jinx, I love your script lines - I think you missed your calling!

Wheresdad: Your sister has her head in the sand. Let her disown you!

Your Mom is still living alone with Dad, and her physical safety could be in jeopardy at any given time. She is already being emotionally abused by him. Whatever it takes, I would get him to a doctor Neuro and or Psych for another evaluation. If at any time your Dad acts up while you are in their home and poses a threat to your Mother or you, I would immediately call 911 and get him out of there. Once in the ER, they will do the psych/neuro eval and probably admit him. Then it is up to you to see that he does not return home and gets placed in a facility. If your sister doesn't like it then let her take him to her home, but try not to let your Mom agree for him to go home - let her keep saying she fears for her safety.
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My first reaction also, was to throw it back in his face by saying stuff like Jinx suggested, but then I get to thinking that he might be violent if she does, because who knows with a brain tumor? Can she come and stay with one of you for awhile? Give her a break from the abuse, and maybe make him re-assess his outbursts against her? I don't know, it's a toughie. One thing that I would NOT worry about, was being disowned by him. To me that sounds like it's all about inheriting, which is not putting the old man's needs before that.
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Captain is, of course, joking.

What a horrible situation for your mother. Has your father always been kind of a jerk, or is this a personality change? Is she physically afraid of him? Does he threaten to do anything about her "infidelity?"

Your sister can be convinced if you set up a recorder or video camera the next time your mother comes home to face his accusations. Or you could bring them to the next party or church social in her town and let her see in person how humiliating his behavior is. If that doesn't work, let her disown you! Does she have all the money?

One idea is to try behavior modification. She can say, "You know that's not true. If you keep on saying that, I'm going to stop cooking for you!" She might say, "Shut up, or I will find a boyfriend!" Or just roll her eyes and say, "That old story. Can't you think of anything else to say?" And walk away and ignore him for a while.

She could make a joke out of it. "Yes, dear, I had sex with the high school quarterback. He really goes for eighty year old women." "No, dear, I was out cooking up crystal meth. You know I never liked sex, just drugs and rock and roll." "Exactly who do you think I was having sex with? Your girlfriend's brother?" "No, dear, that's you who has a girlfriend who comes over whenever I go out. I can smell her perfume."

I'm afraid his behavior may not change, and it's unlikely that he would take any medication to control his behavior. It will be very hard on your mother, especially if she is shy and proper, but she needs to learn that no one else believes him, and that she needs to learn to let it roll off her back.

That old line we tell our kids applies here. "He only keeps doing it because you get so upset." I wish I could come to their house. I'd straighten him right out for you!
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out with the girls my ass margarite.
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