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He tells me he is going to work he has not worked in about 8 years. Asks me where are the women who work in our home. We have no one who works here. Says people are stealing his clothes, no one come here so that is totally impossible. Something of his is always missing, but nothing is. Asked me where is Lois? I am Lois.


Help me help him.

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In order to get him into a nursing home emergently it is going to have to be an "emergency". That is to say you will have to have some crisis in which he falls or he becomes violent or he becomes ill or he wanders away or he starts a fire. or YOU fall or get ill and have to leave the home for the hospital. What I am saying is that I spent my life as a nurse. I have seen people come in the hospital and the family say "I cannot take him home; he cannot come back. I cannot do it physically. I cannot do it emotionally. I cannot do it at all. I will not take him back home". NOW, the personnel, social workers, docs, all there will try to figure out a way to change your mind. To tell you they will send help (they won't or will only briefly and then say it is not covered). Don't argue with them and NEVER GIVE AN INCH. Say "I will not take him home; if you send him home I will not open the door". Now you are down to a social worker arranging placement. She can do in one day what you cannot do over a years time, and that is get him placement whether you have finances or not. Now you will need, if you DO have financial assets, to go to an Elder Care Attorney and find out how best to protect income YOU may need when your time comes to need help. So that things are not drained away. You need help. The best help comes from placement with a social worker working in a hospital. That means a hospital visit and I don't much care what the excuse is to go to the ER. In fact I don't even care if it is a LIE. It is about all I know of that will work. If there is a lot of financial assets then you can work with people who take you to assisted living facilities and arrange you to choose what seems best for him. I don't know if you even have his diagnosis of dementia from a doctor. So sorry for where you are stuck.
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mstrbill Jul 2019
Thank you AlvaDeer, you said it better than I could and it is exactly right. OP please follow her advice. When my father was declining, nobody, not the Drs he was seeing nor the home care nurses were of any help as far as advice and helping me along. It wasn't until I got him into the ER and then hospital that things moved in the right direction. The hospital case workers and social workers find the right placement, I don't think I could have done it without them.
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Do you know these people? -

http://memorycarehs.org

They're a non-profit whose main focus is on supporting caregivers at home; but after a bit of digging around on their website I also see that they have good links with dementia care and memory care providers and facilities. There's a helpline number on the site - if I were in your place I think I'd give them a call.

PS - But what BB said first - talk to his doctor, and don't be shy about the impact your poor DH's condition is having on you. You matter too.
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Start by talking to his doctor.

Is this new behavior that started suddenly? If it is, it may be hat he has a urinary tract infection. Make sure the doctor checks for that.

If he becomes out of control or violent, call 911 and have him taken to the ER.
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I need to get him into a nursing how do i go about it?
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mstrbill Jul 2019
Hi HEAVBEAUTIFUL, you need to call on various nursing homes in your area to see if they have beds available. Nursing homes are expensive, in my area they are around $13,000 per month. If you can't afford that, you need to apply for long term assistance from your state (Medicaid). This usually entails spending down his assets on his care to the limit your state sets. Usually around $1600, but it depends on the state. If your situation is more complicated as in owning property and assets together, you may want to consult an elder law attorney in your area. If he has little assets (no property, lives off Social Security check), it is not that difficult, have a social worker from you local state office help get him on Medicaid. If you have no luck on your own calling nursing facilities, take him to the hospital the next time there is a need or crisis. If you feel you are unable to safely take care of him at home, tell them and tell them he needs long term placement in a facility. They will find a place for him.
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