Here’s what’s going on: in 2016, my sister and I tried to help my mom and dad get their future settled before I made a cross country move. Mom wanted to stay in her own home to the point of being confrontational, and dad backed mom, due to codependent behaviours. Fast forward 8 years and I’m no contact with my sister due to narcissism and overly controlling behaviour (she learned well from my mom) and have been low contact with my parents for 3 years. Mom and dad can’t stay in their current home and mom is throwing a toxic narcissistic hissy fit and sabotaging the move.
Last night things boiled over and I left their house angry. I’ve spent the last two weeks facilitating health care needs around a hospital visit, finding them a place to move to in less than 24 hours, and beginning the impossible task of sorting their stuff. Mom has done no packing on her own, and the move is in 4 days. My sister said she could come and help post move to prepare house for sale, as they only have 1.5 months of rent in the new place if they don’t sell the house fast, and suddenly she can’t afford the cross country flight.
I’m done being the responsible one. My daughter is even guilting me about what will happen to my parents if I don’t help them! I’m at a point where I don’t care, and see that they have alienated others so deeply that they are truly alone. But it feels like a crappy thing to let the consequences bite them in the butt now. I know the outcome of backing off from them… it’s not pretty but I’ve done it before… it’s losing my daughter and three grand kids respect (she already guilts me because I have no contact with my sister).
If this were a matter of getting through this move and sucking it up a couple more weeks, I’d be ok with that. But my partner agrees with me that at the very least, the way mom is behaving, I should not be there with her alone. We are also concerned that the needs are only going to grow, and I’m going to be stuck in the role of caregiver to these toxic people.
I want to wash my hands of the entire thing and tell them to figure it out. Thoughts??
So if your parents decide that your mother's asinine stubbornness and total nonsense be the dictate of the day, take a big step back and let the chips fall where they may.
Don't turn yourself into their care slave/martyr. If your daughter feels so compelled to throw her two cents in about how much you aren't doing, tell her she can damn well get her fanny over to grandma and grandpa's house and get them all moved into their new place.
Also, people have the 'Right To Rot'. If your parents want to keep things as they are let them. A crisis will happen that will force them to likely be placed in a care facility.
It will not be your fault. You can do them a favor though. Call APS and let the state take over now.
Seriously. You've done so much already, and your partner is right - you shouldn't be alone with mom. This is toxic stuff.
I'm not clear on why mom hasn't been packing some things on her own. Whatever it is, it's not your obligation to make sure everything is packed. Nor do you need to do much sorting. Make sure they have toothbrushes, toothpaste and a fresh set of underwear, and that's it. Okay, maybe throw in a nightgown and some pants and tops. If you're doing the clean-out afterward, get rid of their junk. It is of no value, trust me. No one wants hoarded collected objects de old people.
As for your daughter, she's supportive of her grandparents but not of you? And supports your sister in that rift? How about telling her that you could use some support from her? No need to put up with hurtful behavior from Missy Hissypants at one of the worst times of your life!
I always feel sad at responsible caring caregivers being jerked around by those that they're caregiving plus other family know-it-alls. You have the power to leave. You might want to think about that some more. (The only power you DON'T have is that which you give away. And that is the real truth.)
If your close friend was asking you the very same question, what would your response to them be?
And if your daughter is so concerned about your parents and their situation, tell her that you're more than happy to let her take over as you're done.
Why you feel obligated to try and help such toxic and dysfunctional people, parents or not, is beyond me, and I guess only you can answer that question.
It may just be time for you to grow a backbone and learn how to say no, as no is a complete sentence. Period.
I understand this is all overwhelming. I hope its an AL they are going to. Then they get 3 meals a day and snacks. Care from the aides. You can have their toiletries and continent supplies shipped to them. You are then just a contact.
Tell daughter this: "I didn't cause their problems; I cannot fix their problems".
Guilt requires CAUSATION. You cannot be guilty for something you did not do.
Also stop whining to your daughter, and tell her that her input wasn't asked for and is unwanted.
With guilt and busy-body daughters off the board your fist sentence has an easy answer; you ask:
"Help me decide how deeply to be involved with low contact toxic parents?"
IF you CHOOSE (and this is purely your own grownup choice) to be involved with toxic people you will suffer for it. They will never change. They live to torment people.
The best way to treat toxic people is to go no contact. You already learned this with Sis, right?
Were I your partner and were I you I would be moving 1,000 miles AWAY from this entire gang. That includes your DD. SHE can take care of this toxicity if she wishes, and if that is HER grownup choice.
This is in your hands. I recommend you come to some HEALTHY decisions for your own and your partner's life. As someone looking at the END of life (I am 81) I can assure you it comes REALLY quickly. And I can assure you it is nice to think on happy times with good friends, gardening and travel, joy and laughter, great hobbies. It's good to think when you are nearing the end "Well, that was a bit of good fun." It's good not to regret a lot of wasted time with toxic people. They have their OWN sort of fun; just not my cuppa.
You said “stop whining to daughter”… how about when daughter is calling me and asking me what I’m going to do about “gramma and grampa” one moment and then telling me “I need to back off” the next? I was content to leave this to the state when they fell down the stairs and no one came to their rescue… I guess I cracked under the pressure of others expectations?
Who is the PoA for your parents? Is it you? Or your sister? Do they even have PoAs? What state do they reside in?
It is extremely difficult -- if not impossible -- to get an uncooperative adult to do something they don't want to, whether it's beneficial for them or not. My relative had to physically pick up his Mom with ALZ to get her treated for a UTI. She punched and clawed him the entire time. She didn't want to take the meds. She was in the psych wing of that hospital for over a month. Finally an aid (not sure if privately hired or not) got her to take meds for her anxiety, depression, agitation and she's now in an appropriate facility.
All this to say, you can't do the impossible, even if you have the legal authority to do so.
You aren't responsible for your parents' care and happiness. You are only in control of your own decisions -- you just have to accept the outcomes of those decisions because they won't be perfect and won't make everyone happy. But they must make *you* happy.
You are on autopilot and have assumed yourself into the caregiving/manager role. You can resign at any time. You just need to accept what will happen after doing so.
Have you even talked to a therapist? If not, I think it would help you enormously.
What would happen if you stepped completely away from your parents' situation? The county would eventually acquire guardianship for their care and protection. It may be preceded by a trip or more to the ER, or other events. But this is what eventually happens when adults who are a danger to themselves (or others) refuse any type of help.
This isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. If I had such toxic parents I wouldn't be doing what you're doing for another minute. You must take care of your own mental and emotional health (and physical!). May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through your next steps.
let them bring it up again, as we could see from simple conversations that they weren’t ready to have anyone make decisions for them. We are all in Michigan.
Thanks for the thoughts. I think the truth that stepping away from them could potentially cause a deep rift with my daughter is what is keeping me here. I also don’t know how to tell them that they’re on their own… they just won’t get it. I’m sick of being the logical one who cares for herself in responsible life giving ways (yep on the counseling… our area is very conservatively Christian and I was encouraged to both “set boundaries” and “show up for them” at the same time… my counselor actively discouraged me from going no contact “it’s gonna have consequences that will hurt you more in the long run than the good feeling of walking away now”. I got rid of her after that and further reduced my contact) only to get backlash about what an unfeeling, rude, bad family member I am.
I think I’m realizing that I have just been putting off the inevitable.