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My dad fell and broke his hip about a month ago. Coming home and finding him laying in my backyard was an experience I never want to go though again. Since surgery he has been in rehab on a memory care unit. Now I have to decide if he is to come back home or stay there. We had aides that were coming 4hrs a day but he needs 24 hrs care now, seems happy there and has made friends but every time I leave him there I feel complete guilt! I have been trying to contact an adult center that he can go to while I work, but so far I'm not having any luck, and he just can't stay alone any more. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

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How awful to find your Dad like that!

Was it a one-off? Or has he started to fall bit? How much time would your Dad be alone at home? Would you ever get to relax/have a break/weekend away?

I just met a elderly lady this week - 36 hours on her kitchen floor. Survived (broken leg & head strike) but sooo angry as prob not going to discharged home. But she understands why & knows it's time.

If it was my Dad, if he was settled & well cared for, I'd stop there. I'd want some social activities, people & surrounds he could get used to.

Agree with Countymouse, awful for people with memory problems to be churned through the hospital-rehab mill with all those different people. Falls risk goes sky high too - can't find 'home' or the bathroom.

I hope whatever you decide you make peace with it.
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Why on earth would you want to fix a situation that seems to be working supremely well for all concerned?

Is it because it feels too easy? Do you feel that unless you make your life more difficult and complicated again you won't be trying hard enough?

If you bring your father home, and find him day care, and fit caregiving into your limited free time, you won't only be making your life harder. You will also be making HIS life harder. Constant changes of scene and faces and names, to-ing and fro-ing every working day, the stress of juggling his care and your work will all rebound on him, you know. And that's if the routine goes smoothly. What if he's ill and can't go to the senior center? What if you're ill and can't take him? What if your employers ask you to put in extra time?

Your father likes this place and has made friends. You (and others) will be free to visit him whenever you like, and if he's up to it to take him out whenever you like. There will be nothing you can't do for him in the memory care unit that you could do if he were home. In what way do you feel his life would be *better* if you brought him home?
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Life Protect Mobile. It will go wherever he goes & if he falls & goes unconscious, doesn't matter, help will be on the way. It can handle getting wet at $39.99 a month.
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He needs 24 hour care, is HAPPY in the facility and has already made FRIENDS. That is really, really great! What if you bring him home & it absolutely doesn’t work? He would have to get readjusted in a facility again. THAT would not be good for him emotionally.

Honestly, it sounds like this couldn’t have worked out any better for either of you.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 16, 2019
Amen. That we all got that lucky.
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Only decent people feel guilt, and all people who are not Saints and Martyrs, willing to give up their entire lives, do suffer the guilt of non-perfection. Accept that you are not perfect. Know your limitations. You can feel grief about it and you can cry and he can as well, because much of what happens to us in later life is worth mourning over. Please understand that you don't need to be perfect to be a loving daughter. And it is sounding as though your Dad may adjust very well. Let the rehab know now that placement is what you will need. See someone if you need help accepting this life change.
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Your words:
" he just can't stay alone any more."
It sounds like he is needing more care than you can provide.

Whether you feel guilty or not, allow him to stay where he is receiving that care, and count yourself and him blessed to have him ok with it, happy about it really.

His care needs supersede your feelings about it. Does that help?
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Listen to Dolly, she is speaking truth here, in a BIG way regarding the guilt. After my dad fell & broke his hip in 2014, the rehab facility would not release him to independent living, even though mom was around to help care for him. I had them both placed in Assisted Living, which was the best decision I've EVER made with regard to their care. Dad passed in 2015, and mom now resides in the Memory Care portion of the ALF, and is doing just fine, all things considered. I don't regret my decision at all, and suffer no guilt whatsoever. Why should I? I made a decision that was in THEIR best interest, after all, which is exactly what YOU are doing.

All the best!
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I'm sorry for your Dad's bad break and the dilemma it now poses for you.

- does your Dad have good financial means? This gives him more options.
- does he have supplemental insurance to his Medicare?
- does he have a long-term care insurance policy? Ask him.
- if he has none of the above, are you willing/able to cover the costs to bring him home?

Knowing your financial limits helps narrow down the answers to your questions, so please edit your post to include this info.
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My parents lived down the street from me and dad started having problems. In 2016 I found him laying in my driveway in the middle of the night - he had wandered and fallen. I began the process of moving him to memory care. It was tough but he adjusted. He was stable for a while but now needs so much help, I am glad we moved him there when we did so that he adjusted before he needed help with everything. I felt terrible at first - it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But now I know I did the only thing feasible and possible for our family.
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If he happy why move him? Makes no sense to me. This is about what is best for him, there is no reason for any guilt. Guilt is a self imposed emotion, created by fear, what do you fear? Guilt can become a habit, not a productive one. Think this through, he will have a better quality of life interchanging with other people his own age.
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If he is adjusting and enjoying facility life I would start the process to make sure he can stay.

So many people believe that a facility is the worst thing that could happen and it is not. There are so many opportunities for people to thrive in a setting that gives them peers, activities, meals, med management and care on need. It is sometimes the very best choice.

If he is able to tell you what he would like, ask, but be very sure that you are not making him feel like he can't leave your house because of you, does that make sense?
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