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2 years ago my husband and I moved my elderly father in with us to help him out. He was being kicked out of his sister's house and I felt bad putting him in a nursing home. He’s always been a difficult person to live with even growing up but I figured I was older and things would be different. I was wrong. We had no idea the extent of care he needed until I started taking him to the doctor here. He’s a dialysis patient but come to find out he’s also blind in one and losing sight in the other, in the beginning stages of dementia & has prostate cancer, his feet have deteriorated due to his lack of care with diabetes all of which by the way he refuses to accept & says me & his doctors are making this up. He has outbursts of yelling and saying disrespectful inappropriate things to us sometimes in the middle of night while my kids are trying to sleep like tonight. He’s accused of me of stealing from him because he says I charge him too much rent! But I have to cook and clean up after him and do his laundry and grocery shopping take him to his doctors appointments he gives us $1000. He takes off by himself and buys lottery tickets has been caught drinking (by his bloodwork) & smoking. I applied for in home care 5 months ago and still haven’t gotten it and get this he accused me of forging his signature because we applied for the in home care?! I have 2 small children and don’t want them to see us yelling all of this is stressful. I don’t know what to do. I’ve called his doctor and a social worker from Medi-Cal to see if they can help me find him a nursing home but all they’ve said is they’ll look into it. He is on social security and can’t afford the nursing homes we looked into or they won’t take him because of his dementia diagnosis. I feel stuck and am desperate. I almost called the cops tonight because he wouldn’t calm down but I don’t know what else they could do. I can’t just evict him? Do I need a lawyer? Please, what are my options?

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If he becomes agitated and unruly again and you need to call the cops to protect your children from this situation, do it. Hopefully this would result in him being hospitalized for 72 hours on a 5150 hold. Then you could advise the hospital social worker that you can no longer safely take care of him in your home and refuse to bring him home.

I'm so sorry your family is in this situation. I'm sure you had the best of intentions, but with dementia on top of all of his physical issues, it is too much.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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DLRX621 Apr 9, 2019
Thank you so much. I’m in contact with his doctor we have an appointment in two days & im hoping they can give us a referral or in contact with a social worker. & unfortunately if it’s necessary I won’t hesitate to call the cops going forward.
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Agree with calling his doctor. Dad may need meds for agitation.

Also call local Area Agency on Aging for a needs assessment. They can usually put you in touch with a social worker who can help with an
Application for Medicaid, getting him medically approved for Medicaid.

Remember that it's DAD who needs to be able to afford a nursing home. Not you! Your money goes into funding for your retirement and your children's education.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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DLRX621 Apr 9, 2019
We have an appointment soon. In the past his doctor did not want to put him on anything because he said he’d basically be sedated but at this point I think it’s necessary until we can move him. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.
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Just hugs.

What a rotten situation for all of you.

The fastest route to a facility is a hospitalization. 3 days admitted and you qualify for a facility. He goes in and you flat out refuse to let him come back to your house. They will be merciless in trying to get you to take him back. You refuse, period, end of discussion.

Hopefully, the doctors appointment will result in a placement or at least the start. If not, watch for anything that needs the ER and push for admission, not observation.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Make sure you tel the doctor you feel he is a threat to your children because you are never sure when he may be violent.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I’m so sorry. Call his doctor and ask for help. They will most likely put you in touch with a social worker.

Others will have additional information that will be more detailed due to experience with a situation like yours.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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DLRX621 Apr 9, 2019
I have we have an appointment in two days time & hopefully we can get some type of referral or in touch with a social worker. Thank you so much for your response.
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Hey guys so quick update we saw his doctor today they referred us to a home health nurse that will evaluate him & basically discuss with her what we are needing and wanting to do. He did say if he becomes agitated again to take him to the hospital and refuse to take him home to get a social worker assigned & have them help find a nursing facility for him. I guess now it’s just a waiting game. Thank you all for your responses we really appreciate it.
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SnoopyLove Apr 11, 2019
Yay, so glad to hear that a plan is coming together, and that your family is getting some help. Please keep us updated!
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There are anxiety meds like Buspar that are non-sedating. There are also antidepressants they can more safely take. If you give sedating type meds seniors become a fall risk, may need diapers, lose weight due to lose of appetite, dementia increases due to slower thinking, blood pressure can drop too low.
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Reply to Shelbyloren
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Sounds like you have it under control a bit better now. I was going to suggest his PC, the other route might be to have him taken to ER for psyc eval next time he throws a fit and then when they start making arrangements for him be very clear you can no longer care for him in your home. Hold firm on that and it becomes their responsibility to find a safe placement, this doesn't mean you can't be involved in choosing a place and the decision making, your home is just no longer one of those options.
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Reply to Lymie61
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I feel you! I live & care full time for my dad who has Parkinson’s with early dementia & macular degeneration. My stepmother is a hoarder & physically disabled. Most days I wish I could run away for an hour, a week...forever. All caregivers go thru this & you having kids makes it even harder I’m sure!! It’s a tough decision but if you choose to stick it out a little longer Senior Citizen Centers, AARP, County Social Services & others offer free classes & support groups for caregivers that can really help give you the skills to handle your dad, take care of him & yourself. Homes often have waiting lists so it could be awhile & there are dementia facilities but they have longer waits & higher costs.
There are day centers you can drop him off at so you can have a break & try getting him involved at a Seniors Center, church, library or doing volunteer work or a hobby.. Boredom & feeling useless & unneeded causes depression, anger & anxiety.
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DLRX621 Apr 9, 2019
We’ve tried to take him to senior centers he refuses. As far as getting him to take his current medication let alone new medication even if it’s to help his agitation is difficult. He has even accused me of trying to poison him or if a new medication is introduced he says it doesn’t let him sleep! It’s always something. Even the hydrocodone he was prescribed for pain that puts him to sleep he says doesn’t let him sleep. Thank you but at this point my children are my number one concern and even if it’s getting put on a waiting list at least it’s a start.
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