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Just got off the phone with Mom. She is going to be 97 this year, lives in a senior living home (not assisted living, it's independent) and just simply won't do anything to help herself. According to her, she can't, nothing will work. I bring up various solutions to her many problems -- Noooo, that won't work, I can't. I have not had a real full-time job since 2015 because -- I can't. Haven't had a romantic relationship & just talk to my ex of 8 years because I dedicate my life to her. While I realize, I've made my bed and must lie in it, I've decided I can't go on like this and am now looking for a full-time, permanent job that I can stay with for many years. (Anyone in the Atlanta area that needs a great Administrative Assistant or Receptionist, contact me!!! I guess I shouldn't let a networking opportunity pass me by!) What got me is she just asked if I was coming by tonight. Was I supposed to, I asked. I was just there yesterday bringing her back rub, medicine & even McDonalds as a treat.


Add to that, she keeps asking me why God is letting her live so long. (Her 7 brothers & sisters have long since passed & SHE was the most sickly of all of them). I told her I wasn't the one to ask - out of my pay range as Dr. Phil would say- that it kinda pains me to talk about it, and asked if I could get my priest to come talk to her (I've done that before, it did seem to help a bit.) Answer - NO, she doen't want to see anyone. I set-up a rather wonderful support network, in my opinion. RN comes to her, lab people comes to her, cleaning people of Center of the Aging comes to her. She never wants to see any of them, although she has to, so she whines and there we go again!


She is in her hospital bed, which she has difficulty getting in and out of because of her back -- It's always been bad, degenerated discs, and she recently had a freak fall & when the paramedics asked if she wanted to go to the hospital she said a forceful NO! It will kill her, she says, she can't handle the ambulance ride nor the rehab place they would send her. Everything I suggest is no, no, it will NEVER work! I finally hung up a few minutes ago & told her "I love you, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this, we have to figure out something" Her response..... "Well what about me and the way I feel?" ARRRRGGGGHHHHH! help... I'm drowning.

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Wendy,

My mom says no frequently as well. I have given up my life for her too. She moved in with me in 2005. It's sad but I can't even remember having the house to myself. At least your mom is not under your roof. I am looking into assisted living. She will need veterans assistance and that is taking some time to do.

It does become impossible to do two things, care for them and live your own life. That's quite a balancing act if you can pull it off. I think it's great that you want a job again. I miss working too. I miss lots of things. I try not to focus on it too much because I'd go mad! Anyway, follow your heart and do what you feel is best.

I agree with JoAnn that your mom needs more care than an independent living situation. I offer suggestions all the time that get shot down. I get upset with her but more upset with myself if I try to reason with her when I can see that her mind is made up. I am convinced it is a hobby to some to stir up havoc. Perhaps it brings some excitement into a boring life. I've suggested options for not being bored too. I'll give you three guesses as to what the answer to that was. Of course the answer was, "NO!, Of course not!, and last but not least, You don't understand!" I'm sure you've heard those a million times too. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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So, Wendy... what are you going to do this evening?

I am deliberately changing the subject, because I feel that's all you can do. Your mother is, objectively speaking, fine. She is safe. She has a good network in place. Nothing awful will happen to her. She's plain miserable, and she has a whole load of reasons to be miserable, and there is nothing you can do about it.

The irony of her objecting to the hospital trip on the grounds that it would kill her, when she is also blaming God for being so dilatory, did that pass you by?

It is awful when people we love are having a really hard time. Your mother, God bless her, is having a hard time. There is very little for her to take pleasure in and nothing to look forward to. If you could help it, you would, of course.

But you can't. Not even by being miserable alongside her, in the same room.

I think you might save yourself heartache and your mother whatever this irritation is that so gets to her if you held back on the solutions. Figure something out, go for rehab, seek treatment... but aiming for what? There is no solution to being 97, frail, apparently in despair, and the last woman standing.

On a lighter note, if you were to look for countable blessings, what might they be? Anything you could talk to her about as in having a conversation, rather than trying to tackle a problem?
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Wendy77 Mar 1, 2019
Thanks, Countrymouse. Actually, I believe we might have talked on the phone one day about something many, many moons ago - in another life time. We do talk about nice things. Even when I soo want to get out of there, if she starts reminiscing, I just enjoy the happy look on her face (so seldom see it) and just realize how much I really love her. Unfortunately, she can barely hear me, so there's that too. I'm looking for a caregivers meeting. I went to one at a church years ago & think I need another. I can't believe they charge for these meetings; trying to find a free one.
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Stick to your plan and keep enforcing those boundaries.

I am sure she probably shouldn't be living alone but you are not the solution, when seniors make decisions and by gum and by golly will do it their way, it does not obligate anyone to prop them up. She is doing that very thing to you, you matter in this situation as well. Even if she doesn't think so.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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She needs more than independent living. She now needs assisted. Maybe being surrounded by other residents would help. Maybe not. But there is an RN on duty and aides.
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